I have made it to April 2011. I am an actor who despite all signs to the contrary remains dare I say...HOPEFUL. To say the last few months have been challenging would be an understatement. However, with all the ups and downs, the only thing that became abundantly clear is that my life was reflecting the predominant thoughts I held on to, whether positive or negative. When I gave into the stress of my circumstances, it felt as if more drama just kept on coming. Last week, something clicked in my brain and once again I decided to "believe" that everything would work out and that if as I believe I am but one part of the great Universal Consciousness that expresses itself through me than, why am I trying to go it alone. I decided to turn everything over to the Universe. I believe with every fiber in me that the Universe will work it out for me. I can only hold firm to the belief that what I want is to make a contribution to the world and express my best self through my work as an actor. I am trusting that the Universe will handle the details and I must move forward as if the success I desire is assured. It is a leap of faith but either I live my beliefs or I concede that I don't actually believe in my own beliefs!
Now I won't be just sitting by the phone waiting for life to happen. I will however, stop focusing on any inner doubts. Those doubts are just indicators of disbelief. I am focusing on living my beliefs so strongly that my actions are signs of my positive expectation of the success the Universe is creating into my experience. I guess this may seem ridiculous to anyone reading this. However, I have been so aware that I have been focusing on doubts and fears of not succeeding as an actor and it has done nothing but prove my fears true. So, why not dive head long into accepting nothing but the success I desire. Who cares what anyone thinks. Most folks think I am crazy anyway for attempting to go back to acting when it is such an "iffy" career choice for most.
I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Focusing on my fears is draining. So far, focusing on my beliefs has actually got me laughing, smiling and enjoying more of my day. If I am heading to "crazytown" at least it will be a fun trip to the local nut house!
It's funny. This blog is becoming the mental map of my understanding my own thought process. I was not aware just how up and down my thinking is regarding my career. For a while I am positive then for a while I question if I have what it takes. The only thing that stays consistent is my desire to be a successful actor.
I intend to shape my thoughts and imagination to more consistently focus on what I want rather than that which I do not want.
Here's to keeping myself on track with the best expression of who I am. The rest is in the hands of the Universe!
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Friday, February 4, 2011
The Past Can Slam You When You Least Expect It...
Man, the show hasn't finished airing yet and already things are getting WEIRD!!! I just went on Facebook to check for messages etc. Well, one of my few friends that I stay in contact with from my neighborhood put me into a group on facebook made of folks from my childhood neighborhood. He also announced I was in a show airing tonight. So now I am getting FB messages from people whose names sound vaguely familiar from when I was say 15 as well as some I will never forget as folks who watched as I went through some of the most horrific moments of my life. My head is spinning right now!!!
Hey maybe they never noticed that I was being taunted, teased, and bullied as they stood there or maybe perspective is everything in those situations? I don't know... I just am finding it really bizarre suddenly having all of these voices from my childhood popping up on facebook now surprised that I am an actor and cheering me on saying we are" family for life." WTF?
I need to take a breath... I am not the child who was once bullied and had to literally fight for self-respect and respect with the neighborhood gang. (I mean gang in the old sense of the word not the drug-dealing "Bloods and Crips" type)
Alright. Alright. My brain is on overdrive. AHHHHHHHH!!!!
I guess the Universe is giving me an opportunity to put my past in the past and enjoy the life I am living in the present. Hey if that is the gift I can take from this situation than miracles are possible. I am tired of carrying around that old baggage. Wow. Life is one surprise after another. Will have to do some serious meditating on all of this....
Hey maybe they never noticed that I was being taunted, teased, and bullied as they stood there or maybe perspective is everything in those situations? I don't know... I just am finding it really bizarre suddenly having all of these voices from my childhood popping up on facebook now surprised that I am an actor and cheering me on saying we are" family for life." WTF?
I need to take a breath... I am not the child who was once bullied and had to literally fight for self-respect and respect with the neighborhood gang. (I mean gang in the old sense of the word not the drug-dealing "Bloods and Crips" type)
Alright. Alright. My brain is on overdrive. AHHHHHHHH!!!!
I guess the Universe is giving me an opportunity to put my past in the past and enjoy the life I am living in the present. Hey if that is the gift I can take from this situation than miracles are possible. I am tired of carrying around that old baggage. Wow. Life is one surprise after another. Will have to do some serious meditating on all of this....
Getting Right In My Head...
I think I am becoming the poster boy for contradition! It has been a month since my last blog post, yet I started this blog to vent out my frustrations and figure things out so I can move forward. So, why haven't I? I've noticed I have a real issue with internalizing my frustrations and keeping up a smiling face to friends and family so they don't see that things are not as rosey and exciting as I make them out to be! What is the deal?
I think I have been stressing bc money is getting tight and I am putting my belief system to the test that the Universe will provide as in fact it always has. I do know that where I place my thoughts is what I draw into my life but I am having a challenge with keeping my thoughts in the positive "imagining my success" when my natural inclination is to stress. However, when I let go of the stress and focus on what I want things fall into place. I wish I could get my brain trained on the positive more consistently!
Okay well enough of the ranting.
Tonight's my big night. The episode of the tv show I got an acting gig in airs tonight and I must admit I am excited. It is a one-line role but I had such a blast! A friend wanted to have a big gathering to celebrate. I was about to freak out. I said "For a one- line role? Are you kidding? I will look like an idiot!" So now it is down to me and two friends which I can manage!:) On the one hand I am trying to embrace every victory in my career (big and small) with celebration because the career of an actor is brutal on your ego and sense of self if you let it. But on the other hand, I need to protect myself from situations like a big party where I could find myself in a room full of friends and at the end of the show they go, "That's it? One line?" I know I know if they are friends they would be supportive but sometimes people say things and they don't realize how hurtful a passing comment can be when you are in a vulnerable place.
Ahhhhh. I'm having one of those "Actor's Nightmare" moments where you feel so totally exposed in front of the world. I am sitting here recalling how I have handled my letting my family and friends know I got a part in a TV show. I qualified every email or text with "It's just a one-line role" or "Hey if you blink you will miss me." What is that...self-preservation baby! One because I didn't want to seem like an ass bragging over something that others thought was no big deal and I had this instinct to protect myself from ridicule. Wow... I need therapy....:) Whatever... Okay, so I have some work to do on embracing my successes in life without qualification but damn is that a challenge!
Regardless, I am happy and excited about tonight! I will take baby steps with these two friends of allowing myself to enjoy the moment and the experience with them and not sit on my friend's coach cringing the entire hour!!!!
Man, I swing from positivity to negativity like a freaking pendulum. I am dizzy from all the back and forth!:)
Here we go! Time to go take a shower. It is about to be 5pm pacific time 8pm eastern so my family and friends back east will be starting to watch the show or not... Time to brace myself for whatever comes tonight! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
I think I have been stressing bc money is getting tight and I am putting my belief system to the test that the Universe will provide as in fact it always has. I do know that where I place my thoughts is what I draw into my life but I am having a challenge with keeping my thoughts in the positive "imagining my success" when my natural inclination is to stress. However, when I let go of the stress and focus on what I want things fall into place. I wish I could get my brain trained on the positive more consistently!
Okay well enough of the ranting.
Tonight's my big night. The episode of the tv show I got an acting gig in airs tonight and I must admit I am excited. It is a one-line role but I had such a blast! A friend wanted to have a big gathering to celebrate. I was about to freak out. I said "For a one- line role? Are you kidding? I will look like an idiot!" So now it is down to me and two friends which I can manage!:) On the one hand I am trying to embrace every victory in my career (big and small) with celebration because the career of an actor is brutal on your ego and sense of self if you let it. But on the other hand, I need to protect myself from situations like a big party where I could find myself in a room full of friends and at the end of the show they go, "That's it? One line?" I know I know if they are friends they would be supportive but sometimes people say things and they don't realize how hurtful a passing comment can be when you are in a vulnerable place.
Ahhhhh. I'm having one of those "Actor's Nightmare" moments where you feel so totally exposed in front of the world. I am sitting here recalling how I have handled my letting my family and friends know I got a part in a TV show. I qualified every email or text with "It's just a one-line role" or "Hey if you blink you will miss me." What is that...self-preservation baby! One because I didn't want to seem like an ass bragging over something that others thought was no big deal and I had this instinct to protect myself from ridicule. Wow... I need therapy....:) Whatever... Okay, so I have some work to do on embracing my successes in life without qualification but damn is that a challenge!
Regardless, I am happy and excited about tonight! I will take baby steps with these two friends of allowing myself to enjoy the moment and the experience with them and not sit on my friend's coach cringing the entire hour!!!!
Man, I swing from positivity to negativity like a freaking pendulum. I am dizzy from all the back and forth!:)
Here we go! Time to go take a shower. It is about to be 5pm pacific time 8pm eastern so my family and friends back east will be starting to watch the show or not... Time to brace myself for whatever comes tonight! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
New Year New Opportunities To Grow
So it is 2011 and I am already preparing myself for a new year of productivity. Having stayed in Los Angeles for the holidays, I had a lot more time to think about where I am and where I want to be in this coming year. One thing I noticed was my perspective as a professional actor has got to change. It is less about hoping to be chosen for a role and more about what steps can I be taking to make my being hired the inevitable choice.
It was a smart move to start viewing seeing myself as the CEO of my life and career as it has me thinking in new ways and taking actions I had resisted or never thought of doing before. I started with making a spreadsheet of all my assets and debts from student loan to credit card balances to new credit union accounts. It was a concrete reality check that made creating a personal budget and an actor's expense log useful tools in getting a firm grip on my finances. It is hard to live in financial lala land when it is all down on paper, so to speak. I have been amazing at juggling things but it was a bit of a shocker when I had to look at how much wasteful spending has filled my various statements. I am hopeful the log and budget will force me to use more restraint and think about where I want my funds to go. I need as much money to go toward acting expenses so my business moves me into the "black" so my late night 7-11 runs have come to an end.
No resolutions for the year but I do have a greater commitment to those things I started in late 2010 which with persistence will get my acting business on firm footing. Ending the year with my first tv gig in a while was a nice way to end the year and a strong motivator to make 2011 the most productive year my acting career has seen in a long time!!!
It was a smart move to start viewing seeing myself as the CEO of my life and career as it has me thinking in new ways and taking actions I had resisted or never thought of doing before. I started with making a spreadsheet of all my assets and debts from student loan to credit card balances to new credit union accounts. It was a concrete reality check that made creating a personal budget and an actor's expense log useful tools in getting a firm grip on my finances. It is hard to live in financial lala land when it is all down on paper, so to speak. I have been amazing at juggling things but it was a bit of a shocker when I had to look at how much wasteful spending has filled my various statements. I am hopeful the log and budget will force me to use more restraint and think about where I want my funds to go. I need as much money to go toward acting expenses so my business moves me into the "black" so my late night 7-11 runs have come to an end.
No resolutions for the year but I do have a greater commitment to those things I started in late 2010 which with persistence will get my acting business on firm footing. Ending the year with my first tv gig in a while was a nice way to end the year and a strong motivator to make 2011 the most productive year my acting career has seen in a long time!!!
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Haven't Met You Yet...
For me, New Year's Eve is worse than Valentine's Day! It is such a couples' night. Well, I am single but optimistic that the new year will offer me endless possibilities as long as I stay open! I think I may make this my theme song for 2011!
"Wanna Go Home"
Been pretty good warding of the holiday blues, but not going home for the holidays has been tough! I am not ashamed to admit, I miss my Mum!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Establishing My Acting Career: "Branding the Product" That Is Me, Becoming The"Company" Studios Want To Do Business With!
With all of this reflection, a new challenge has risen to the surface of my mind. How do I continue my growth as an actor and embrace the need to see myself as a company with its own brand that not only catches the attention of the studios but allows my "company" to grow? Right now, I am a small fledgling company. If I plan on getting this company listed on the "Fortune 500" so to speak, I need to challenge my view of myself, find my uniqueness and make full use of all my assets.
Perhaps this is my means of embracing my "scheduling issues" head on? I guess I should dust of my mission statement, revise appropriately, and evaluate how I can more consistently see myself as the CEO of My Life. Maybe seeing myself as the CEO of My Life is a little too vague. Perhaps, embracing myself as not just an actor competing for roles, but as a businessman whose career is his company, I may see better results.
Yes! My career, my body, mind and creative spirit are the components of my company. Therefore, I am the CEO of this company and should make decisions accordingly. With every acting job I "book", my business expands. I have never thought of myself as a businessman. That will take some studying to fully understand how to do this realistically and not in a "New Age" self-help kind of way. In concrete terms, this will require me looking at my finances and seeing how I can be more responsible with my spending and make sure I have separate funds that will be devoted to company expenses. Separating my personal finances from my business finances may be useful and constructive. It may also help me have tangible markers to track my company's expansion and viability.
This doesn't have to be hard unless I let it. I just want it to be real and productive. Productivity is coming to mind so much, it will be a barometer of my company's growth and potential for success.
2011 is looking like a year of challenge, a year of meaningful change, and a year of adventure!
Perhaps this is my means of embracing my "scheduling issues" head on? I guess I should dust of my mission statement, revise appropriately, and evaluate how I can more consistently see myself as the CEO of My Life. Maybe seeing myself as the CEO of My Life is a little too vague. Perhaps, embracing myself as not just an actor competing for roles, but as a businessman whose career is his company, I may see better results.
Yes! My career, my body, mind and creative spirit are the components of my company. Therefore, I am the CEO of this company and should make decisions accordingly. With every acting job I "book", my business expands. I have never thought of myself as a businessman. That will take some studying to fully understand how to do this realistically and not in a "New Age" self-help kind of way. In concrete terms, this will require me looking at my finances and seeing how I can be more responsible with my spending and make sure I have separate funds that will be devoted to company expenses. Separating my personal finances from my business finances may be useful and constructive. It may also help me have tangible markers to track my company's expansion and viability.
This doesn't have to be hard unless I let it. I just want it to be real and productive. Productivity is coming to mind so much, it will be a barometer of my company's growth and potential for success.
2011 is looking like a year of challenge, a year of meaningful change, and a year of adventure!
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