Oh Yeah... I Live In Los Angeles!

I love living in Los Angeles. Being a reformed recluse, I have discovered there are endless avenues for adventure. A newly discovered coffee shop here. A relaxing and cozy used bookstore there. Not to mention the various options of entertainment venues Los Angeles has to offer. In my view the only thing lacking is that "sociable stranger" element that is missing. You just can't regularly strike up a conversation with someone in passing without the more than likely possibility that they will be too frightened, annoyed, or in a hurry to acknowledge you. So, as with most Los Angelenoes, barring some unusual bonding moment like the malfunctioning of the fire alarm in the apartment complex or some other random event to force you out of your comfort zone, we all just trot about our merry lives enjoying the bubble of our own world of friends. I think it is the "Philadelphian" in me, who is use to chatting with my neighbors and laughing with fellow strangers on the SEPTA bus, and on some level misses that tiny but comforting sense of community.

What am I rambling on about?

Who knows... my mind just traveled there as I laugh at this crazy place I now call home.

Last night, after listening to my dose of Abraham-Hicks youtube clips, I prepared for bed rampaging on the happiness I felt and the deep sense of calm that has begun to settle into my mind. I enjoyed a late night shower grateful for the hot water and imagining the endless possibilities. Even after drinking a pot of gunpowder green tea, I was so relaxed I dove into bed, curled up under the covers and drifted into my awaiting dreamworld.

I was knee deep in a very exciting film noire styled adventure that had me matching whits with some French sounding mafia killer. Yes, this dream was a "doozey" when all of a sudden the sound of "F&@*k YOU!" grabbed me by the neck and dragged me back to the reality of my darkened bedroom.

It was 5 a.m., according to my clock. I found myself instinctively searching my apartment certain that the person whose mouth physically yanked me awake was somewhere inside, hiding in the darkness. Don't you just  love the surreal quality of being half awake in the dark? Somehow knew I was suppose to be responding to something but I was completely clueless, with only the strange bodily tingling that comes with being shocked into conscious awareness.  After 3 minutes of standing in my pitch black living room completely lost as to why I was there, that ungodly scream of "F&@*K YOU!" rolled through my apartment like a freight train, once more. This time it came from my bedroom, through my balcony window, and down the alley of my apartment complex. The distinct drunken quality to the yell from the shadows made sense to my now functioning brain..

I could do nothing but laugh. Realizing my French mafia killer was not lurking in my kitchen, I went back to bed. One last scream from the drunken mystery man stirred the neighbors directly above me, but filled me with so much humor I found myself literally laughing myself back to the new dreams that awaited my return.

I spent so much of the night before focusing on choosing happiness, leaving stress and anger behind, it was an amusing joke from the Universe to wake me up "certain" my life was in danger! HAHA! Wow! As I realized that angry drunken man of the shadows had no effect on me or my happiness, I could not stop laughing. Lessons come from the most unusual sources!  It is so easy for me to get wrapped up in the drama of my life that last night's visitor was strangely comforting. He was not exactly the "sociable stranger" I was looking for but he was strange.

Either way, the "bubble" of my insular LA life was burst wide open. I was quickly reminded, there is an endless supply of stories playing out in every moment all around me. They don't have to impact my happiness one bit. However, it is nice to know that we are all on our individual journeys in many ways together.         

Exhaling and Allowing in "Who I Really Am".

In this instant, letting go feels good. Just choosing to feel good for the sake of feeling good is wonderfully freeing. No strenous brain exertion required. It feels like the relaxing calm of an exhale that allows "Who I Really Am" to take care of my entire being.

Step One: It's All About Love

As I move in the direction of living my beliefs, I have found myself once more drawn to listening to new you tube clips of Abraham Hicks. I am choosing to take this as some form of guidance from Source. It can really be nothing else as far as I am concerned.  

Why? Because it, without fail, puts me in a place of balance and alignment. Alignment with the whole of who I am is the place I want to be today and everyday for as long as possible.

This clip is what I see as step one of the journey I have been on most of my life but for some reason fall off by the self-imposed restrictions of my own thoughts. Time to get out of my own way, allow myself to simply enjoy the experience of step one until step two decides to make an appearance and guides me to where it wants to take me.

Getting What You Believe...

I have made it to April 2011. I am an actor who despite all signs to the contrary remains dare I say...HOPEFUL. To say the last few months have been challenging would be an understatement. However, with all the ups and downs, the only thing that became abundantly clear is that my life was reflecting the predominant thoughts I held on to, whether positive or negative. When I gave into the stress of my circumstances, it felt as if more drama just kept on coming. Last week, something clicked in my brain and once again I decided to "believe" that everything would work out and that if as I believe I am but one part of the great Universal Consciousness that expresses itself through me than, why am I trying to go it alone. I decided to turn everything over to the Universe. I believe with every fiber in me that the Universe will work it out for me. I can only hold firm to the belief that what I want is to make a contribution to the world and express my best self through my work as an actor.  I am trusting that the Universe will handle the details and I must move forward as if the success I desire is assured. It is a leap of faith but either I live my beliefs or I concede that I don't actually believe in my own beliefs!

Now I won't be just sitting by the phone waiting for life to happen. I will however, stop focusing on any inner doubts. Those doubts are just indicators of disbelief. I am focusing on living my beliefs so strongly that my actions are signs of my positive expectation of the success the Universe is creating into my experience. I guess this may seem ridiculous to anyone reading this. However, I have been so aware that I have been focusing on doubts and fears of not succeeding as an actor and it has done nothing but prove my fears true. So, why not dive head long into accepting nothing but the success I desire. Who cares what anyone thinks. Most folks think I am crazy anyway for attempting to go back to acting when it is such an "iffy" career choice for most.

I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Focusing on my fears is draining. So far, focusing on my beliefs has actually got me laughing, smiling and enjoying more of my day.  If I am heading to "crazytown" at least it will be a fun trip to the local nut house!

It's funny. This blog is becoming the mental map of my understanding my own thought process. I was not aware just how up and down my thinking is regarding my career. For a while I am positive then for a while I question if I have what it takes. The only thing that stays consistent is my desire to be a successful actor.

I intend to shape my thoughts and imagination to more consistently focus on what I want rather than that which I do not want.

Here's to keeping myself on track with the best expression of who I am.  The rest is in the hands of the Universe!

The Past Can Slam You When You Least Expect It...

Man, the show hasn't finished airing yet and already things are getting WEIRD!!! I just went on Facebook to check for messages etc. Well, one of my few friends that I stay in contact with from my neighborhood put me into a group on facebook made of folks from my childhood neighborhood. He also announced I was in a show airing tonight. So now I am getting FB messages from people whose names sound vaguely familiar from when I was say 15 as well as some I will never forget as folks who watched as I went through some of the most horrific moments of my life. My head is spinning right now!!!

Hey maybe they never noticed that I was being taunted, teased, and bullied as they stood there or maybe perspective is everything in those situations? I don't know... I just am finding it really bizarre suddenly having all of these voices from my childhood popping up on facebook now surprised that I am an actor and cheering me on saying we are" family for life." WTF?

I need to take a breath... I am not the child who was once bullied and had to literally fight for self-respect and respect with the neighborhood gang. (I mean gang in the old sense of the word not the drug-dealing "Bloods and Crips" type)   

Alright. Alright. My brain is on overdrive. AHHHHHHHH!!!!

I guess the Universe is giving me an opportunity to put my past in the past and enjoy the life I am living in the present. Hey if that is the gift I can take from this situation than miracles are possible. I am tired of carrying around that old baggage. Wow. Life is one surprise after another. Will have to do some serious meditating on all of this....

Getting Right In My Head...

I think I am becoming the poster boy for contradition! It has been a month since my last blog post, yet I started this blog to vent out my frustrations and figure things out so I can move forward. So, why haven't I? I've noticed I have a real issue with internalizing my frustrations and keeping up a smiling face to friends and family so they don't see that things are not as rosey and exciting as I make them out to be! What is the deal?

I think I have been stressing bc money is getting tight and I am putting my belief system to the test that the Universe will provide as in fact it always has. I do know that where I place my thoughts is what I draw into my life but I am having a challenge with keeping my thoughts in the positive "imagining my success" when my natural inclination is to stress. However, when I let go of the stress and focus on what I want things fall into place. I wish I could get my brain trained on the positive more consistently!

Okay well enough of the ranting.

Tonight's my big night. The episode of the tv show I got an acting gig in airs tonight and I must admit I am excited. It is a one-line role but I had such a blast! A friend wanted to have a big gathering to celebrate. I was about to freak out. I said "For a one- line role? Are you kidding? I will look like an idiot!" So now it is down to me and two friends which I can manage!:) On the one hand I am trying to embrace every victory in my career (big and small) with celebration because the career of an actor is brutal on your ego and sense of self if you let it. But on the other hand, I need to protect myself from situations like a big party where I could find myself in a room full of friends and at the end of the show they go, "That's it? One line?" I know I know if they are friends they would be supportive but sometimes people say things and they don't realize how hurtful a passing comment can be when you are in a vulnerable place.

Ahhhhh. I'm having one of those "Actor's Nightmare" moments where you feel so totally exposed in front of the world. I am sitting here recalling how I have handled my letting my family and friends know I got a part in a TV show. I qualified every email or text with "It's just a one-line role" or "Hey if you blink you will miss me." What is that...self-preservation baby! One because I didn't want to seem like an ass bragging over something that others thought was no big deal and I had this instinct to protect myself from ridicule. Wow... I need therapy....:) Whatever... Okay, so I have some work to do on embracing my successes in life without qualification but damn is that a challenge!

Regardless, I am happy and excited about tonight! I will take baby steps with these two friends of allowing myself to enjoy the moment and the experience with them and not sit on my friend's coach cringing the entire hour!!!!

Man, I swing from positivity to negativity like a freaking pendulum. I am dizzy from all the back and forth!:)

Here we go! Time to go take a shower. It is about to be 5pm pacific time 8pm eastern so my family and friends back east will be starting to watch the show or not... Time to brace myself for whatever comes tonight!  AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

New Year New Opportunities To Grow

So it is 2011 and I am already preparing myself for a new year of productivity.  Having stayed in Los Angeles for the holidays, I had a lot more time to think about where I am and where I want to be in this coming year. One thing I noticed was my perspective as a professional actor has got to change. It is less about hoping to be chosen for a role and more about what steps can I be taking to make my being hired the inevitable choice.

It was a smart move to start viewing seeing myself as the CEO of my life and career as it has me thinking in new ways and taking actions I had resisted or never thought of doing before. I started with making a spreadsheet of all my assets and debts from student loan to credit card balances to new credit union accounts. It was a concrete reality check that made creating a personal budget and an actor's expense log useful tools in getting a firm grip on my finances. It is hard to live in financial lala land when it is all down on paper, so to speak. I have been amazing at juggling things but it was a bit of a shocker when I had to look at how much wasteful spending has filled my various statements. I am hopeful the log and budget will force me to use more restraint and think about where I want my funds to go.  I need as much money to go toward acting expenses so my business moves me into the "black" so my late night 7-11 runs have come to an end.

No resolutions for the year but I do have a greater commitment to those things I started in late 2010 which with persistence will get my acting business on firm footing. Ending the year with my first tv gig in a while was a nice way to end the year and a strong motivator to make 2011 the most productive year my acting career has seen in a long time!!!