"Your Being Here, Your Being Alive, Makes Worthiness Your Birthright"

I have been having a major spiritual crisis/life crisis/career crisis over the last month. Perhaps it was the passing of my birthday. Who knows for certain. The happiness I felt with my life just seemed to evaporate and I felt numb.

At this present moment in time, I feel as if I am on the verge of coming out on the other side of this dark place of doubt and loneliness. It would appear that my psyche has some automatic programing that sends me into a mode of self-sabotaging fear whenever I am starting to focus on being happy. I've been back and forth to that "dark place" so much you'd think I owned a condo there at the corner of "Doubt and Loneliness". 

This trip however I allowed myself to really see "me" clearly without putting on the mask of "fake" happiness I wore since childhood, not only for others but for myself. It is weird to look at my life and realize I am trapped in the mask created to survive my teenage bullies. The pretense I kept up with my family that life was great when in fact I felt worthless inside was how I survived. I see now I did such a good job of masking I didn't notice I never dropped the mask. I  talk a good talk of believing in myself but with serious examination my actions show me how much I live in fear of the possibility that I am existing in a life that does not matter to anyone including me. Now the challenge of self-examination is, once you get honest with yourself you have to actually do something to change your circumstances, not just once but continually and consistently until you ACTUALLY change. I mastered  "feeling good" at the discovery of a problem then "developing amnesia" when it came to fixing it.

Until Wednesday, I could not admit that I never stopped feeling worthless inside. It was easier to pretend I was okay than to deal with why I felt worthless, why I felt powerless. The Universe directed me,through the power of my intuition to pursue an acting career and in my acting I found a sense of purpose and power in my ability to create characters that touched other people. On stage I felt alive. Offstage I felt worthless. The problem with this was eventually that worthless feeling crippled my ability to believe in myself as a professional actor. Acting was never difficult. Getting someone to believe in me has always been the challenge. It's hard to convince others of what you barely believe yourself. If I am honest I think I have always been afraid someone would see through me and know I was the same worthless person inside who my bullies saw "could" be bullied.

The strange thing is it took watching the finale of the "Oprah Winfrey Show" to crack something open in me. She said, "Your being here, your being alive makes worthiness your birthright."

I don't care if it sounds stupid that a talk show would have such a major effect on me. It was like God was talking directly to me. I had that experience many times over the years when I randomly tuned into her show. The finale, however, hit me deeply. God didn't whisper. God didn't hit me upside the head with a brick or even let a brick wall fall on me. It was like an old brick building collapsed on my head and cracked open a life's worth of repressed pain. I started to cry the serious gut wrenching ugly cry that comes when you tap into a hidden hurt you locked away and forgot. In that hour of her finale, I allowed myself to see who I had become. I allowed myself to believe I did not have to remain stuck in my pain. I realized  despite what those bullies said and did to me those many years ago, I did not have to remain hostage to that time in my life.

I see now that I am responsible for where my life is today and I am the only one who can change it.

Since life can't suck much more than it has already, why not give believing in myself a serious try and trust that the spirit of intuition that once guided me so well through my darkest time will truly return and allow me to put down the mask once and for all.

Real happiness is worth the effort. I pray I can stay the course and finally get out on the other side. I have found my passion and purpose in life and I want to get on with the business of living my passion. It is clear to me that as I get out of my own way and embrace my own inherent self-worth, than I will be able to embrace my calling fully and completely. I have work to do. I have no idea how it feels to feel worthy but I will search for the answers in the silence of the deepest part of me. It is my birthright and I will claim it. 

Growing At My Own Pace

On Wednesday, I got a passionate desire to express my frustration, confusion and sadness at the looming threat from Congress to the funding of such national treasures as PBS. Now, I got into that post and was quite happy with it when suddenly, I discovered my computer was under attack from a Trojan determined to ruin my week. There is nothing like writing a long post about something you care about and realize you have to press "re-boot", knowing full well that you have lost something you felt was special.

The Universe was providing me with a few good lessons.

First lesson- Don't get too attached to stuff. Generally, I use to lose my temper (wanting to break something) when these frustrations occur so, to a certain degree, a new level of inner peace has taken root as I "let go" of my "PBS gem" without incident.

The second lesson- Let go of the notion that there is some magic formula or strategy on-line that will help me expand the traffic to my site. 

It is pretty funny. Whenever I have gotten into a real flow with my blog and start reading other site on ways to optimize traffic to my site, trouble comes. Last year I did it and boom! And just two days ago, I was reading a blog about making money online with your blog and boom another vicious Trojan I was not able to resolve until literally 10 a.m. this morning.

Thankfully, I had Norton Internet Security. It literally saved me the repeat of hours of computer drama that I experienced last year. I will admit I tried my best to figure out what the problem was on my own but I kept getting high level attacks every few minutes attempting to screw me over royally. Yes, it created some minor issues but I broke down and called the Norton Live expert, actually it took very friendly gentleman  from India to help me but they got me back on track.

I don't like sounding like an advertisement but I have to give props to Norton Internet Security because they kept my computer functioning for this not so tech savvy blogger.  I will recommend getting their protection for anyone new to blogging. If  I am going to remain in the blogosphere exploring new sites, I feel safer having some protection and support.

Oh and if you are interested in saving Big Bird and Elmo for you or your children, consider going to www.170millionamericans.org and get involved in any way you are comfortable. PBS does matter.



What kind of world would it be without Sesame Street?

The Little Things Do Matter

Things are continuing to look up! This "living my beliefs" approach is amazing! I turned over my financial situation to the Universe to work out for me. I "rampaged" my thoughts on joy and thankfulness for the assistance I KNEW was on its way and in less than 24 hours I got a text from my old 9 to 5 job with a month's worth of temp work.

Now, I could pretend like it's just a coincidence. However, I don't believe in coincidences. I know the Universe has always taken care of all of my needs. This was a visible sign I choose to embrace with a grateful  heart. I am new to truly living in the present moment. I usually spend more time worrying about tomorrow but I have to say, I'd rather focus on today because today is looking pretty good and tomorrow will take care of itself.

Listening to as many Abraham Hicks clips as I can is helpful. They have a grounding effect. After one or two clips, I find myself smiling for no particular reason, my usual shallow breathing gets just a bit deeper and more restful. All these small moments of joy and peace are adding up to something special. I plan to celebrate every little thing. They do matter! I am excited to see what new joy the Universe has coming my way! 

Oh Yeah... I Live In Los Angeles!

I love living in Los Angeles. Being a reformed recluse, I have discovered there are endless avenues for adventure. A newly discovered coffee shop here. A relaxing and cozy used bookstore there. Not to mention the various options of entertainment venues Los Angeles has to offer. In my view the only thing lacking is that "sociable stranger" element that is missing. You just can't regularly strike up a conversation with someone in passing without the more than likely possibility that they will be too frightened, annoyed, or in a hurry to acknowledge you. So, as with most Los Angelenoes, barring some unusual bonding moment like the malfunctioning of the fire alarm in the apartment complex or some other random event to force you out of your comfort zone, we all just trot about our merry lives enjoying the bubble of our own world of friends. I think it is the "Philadelphian" in me, who is use to chatting with my neighbors and laughing with fellow strangers on the SEPTA bus, and on some level misses that tiny but comforting sense of community.

What am I rambling on about?

Who knows... my mind just traveled there as I laugh at this crazy place I now call home.

Last night, after listening to my dose of Abraham-Hicks youtube clips, I prepared for bed rampaging on the happiness I felt and the deep sense of calm that has begun to settle into my mind. I enjoyed a late night shower grateful for the hot water and imagining the endless possibilities. Even after drinking a pot of gunpowder green tea, I was so relaxed I dove into bed, curled up under the covers and drifted into my awaiting dreamworld.

I was knee deep in a very exciting film noire styled adventure that had me matching whits with some French sounding mafia killer. Yes, this dream was a "doozey" when all of a sudden the sound of "F&@*k YOU!" grabbed me by the neck and dragged me back to the reality of my darkened bedroom.

It was 5 a.m., according to my clock. I found myself instinctively searching my apartment certain that the person whose mouth physically yanked me awake was somewhere inside, hiding in the darkness. Don't you just  love the surreal quality of being half awake in the dark? Somehow knew I was suppose to be responding to something but I was completely clueless, with only the strange bodily tingling that comes with being shocked into conscious awareness.  After 3 minutes of standing in my pitch black living room completely lost as to why I was there, that ungodly scream of "F&@*K YOU!" rolled through my apartment like a freight train, once more. This time it came from my bedroom, through my balcony window, and down the alley of my apartment complex. The distinct drunken quality to the yell from the shadows made sense to my now functioning brain..

I could do nothing but laugh. Realizing my French mafia killer was not lurking in my kitchen, I went back to bed. One last scream from the drunken mystery man stirred the neighbors directly above me, but filled me with so much humor I found myself literally laughing myself back to the new dreams that awaited my return.

I spent so much of the night before focusing on choosing happiness, leaving stress and anger behind, it was an amusing joke from the Universe to wake me up "certain" my life was in danger! HAHA! Wow! As I realized that angry drunken man of the shadows had no effect on me or my happiness, I could not stop laughing. Lessons come from the most unusual sources!  It is so easy for me to get wrapped up in the drama of my life that last night's visitor was strangely comforting. He was not exactly the "sociable stranger" I was looking for but he was strange.

Either way, the "bubble" of my insular LA life was burst wide open. I was quickly reminded, there is an endless supply of stories playing out in every moment all around me. They don't have to impact my happiness one bit. However, it is nice to know that we are all on our individual journeys in many ways together.         

Exhaling and Allowing in "Who I Really Am".

In this instant, letting go feels good. Just choosing to feel good for the sake of feeling good is wonderfully freeing. No strenous brain exertion required. It feels like the relaxing calm of an exhale that allows "Who I Really Am" to take care of my entire being.

Step One: It's All About Love

As I move in the direction of living my beliefs, I have found myself once more drawn to listening to new you tube clips of Abraham Hicks. I am choosing to take this as some form of guidance from Source. It can really be nothing else as far as I am concerned.  

Why? Because it, without fail, puts me in a place of balance and alignment. Alignment with the whole of who I am is the place I want to be today and everyday for as long as possible.

This clip is what I see as step one of the journey I have been on most of my life but for some reason fall off by the self-imposed restrictions of my own thoughts. Time to get out of my own way, allow myself to simply enjoy the experience of step one until step two decides to make an appearance and guides me to where it wants to take me.

Getting What You Believe...

I have made it to April 2011. I am an actor who despite all signs to the contrary remains dare I say...HOPEFUL. To say the last few months have been challenging would be an understatement. However, with all the ups and downs, the only thing that became abundantly clear is that my life was reflecting the predominant thoughts I held on to, whether positive or negative. When I gave into the stress of my circumstances, it felt as if more drama just kept on coming. Last week, something clicked in my brain and once again I decided to "believe" that everything would work out and that if as I believe I am but one part of the great Universal Consciousness that expresses itself through me than, why am I trying to go it alone. I decided to turn everything over to the Universe. I believe with every fiber in me that the Universe will work it out for me. I can only hold firm to the belief that what I want is to make a contribution to the world and express my best self through my work as an actor.  I am trusting that the Universe will handle the details and I must move forward as if the success I desire is assured. It is a leap of faith but either I live my beliefs or I concede that I don't actually believe in my own beliefs!

Now I won't be just sitting by the phone waiting for life to happen. I will however, stop focusing on any inner doubts. Those doubts are just indicators of disbelief. I am focusing on living my beliefs so strongly that my actions are signs of my positive expectation of the success the Universe is creating into my experience. I guess this may seem ridiculous to anyone reading this. However, I have been so aware that I have been focusing on doubts and fears of not succeeding as an actor and it has done nothing but prove my fears true. So, why not dive head long into accepting nothing but the success I desire. Who cares what anyone thinks. Most folks think I am crazy anyway for attempting to go back to acting when it is such an "iffy" career choice for most.

I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Focusing on my fears is draining. So far, focusing on my beliefs has actually got me laughing, smiling and enjoying more of my day.  If I am heading to "crazytown" at least it will be a fun trip to the local nut house!

It's funny. This blog is becoming the mental map of my understanding my own thought process. I was not aware just how up and down my thinking is regarding my career. For a while I am positive then for a while I question if I have what it takes. The only thing that stays consistent is my desire to be a successful actor.

I intend to shape my thoughts and imagination to more consistently focus on what I want rather than that which I do not want.

Here's to keeping myself on track with the best expression of who I am.  The rest is in the hands of the Universe!