Taking a Deep Breath and Letting Go...

It is time to move into my truth and face my biggest challenge.

I firmly believe that this process of directing my thoughts and feelings in the direction I want rather than on what I don't want is the key to creating the life of my dreams. The challenge is that I have used cigarettes as a crutch to deal with the stress and fears in my life.

Now it has become clear to me that I must stop smoking and allow myself to feel FULLY what I am feeling. This is truly new territory because I feel things intensely especially when I am not smoking. I have faith that I will be able to navigate my way through this but it will definitely be a challenge. Many good friends of mine are smokers and I hope they can respect my desire to quit but if they don't that will not deter me. I want to do this and I need to do this for myself. I know that in doing this I will be jumpstarting my journey because I will be living fully every experience.  I have no judgement for anyone else who chooses to smoke. I just know for myself that if I want to live fully I must experience all of my emotions and not hide behind the cigarettes.     

I will definitely be relying on my running and gym workouts to get me through to the otherside.

Initially I planned on quitting when I went home for christmas. However, as the thought of quitting has been coming up for me quite frequently lately, I have no real reason why I don't just stop now. So, I will go to bed tonight and awaken to my first smoke-free day.

It seems odd that a wrapper of dried leaves should have such an impact on my day to day life. If I want to live in my truth I must walk in my truth. I have tried quitting so often it is ridiculous. But each time I started back was because I had a hard time feeling things so intensely. The hard truth is to embrace what life and Source has in store for me, I must actually embrace it and not hold to these dried leaves. They have become a symbol of my biggest fears. How can I continue using them when they keep me stuck?  In the end these dried leaves have no power other than that which I give them. I choose to channel the energy that will assuredly arise within me to breathing in as much joy and fun into my life and acting career as I can.



   

And The Winner Is...

You may have guessed, I did not get the job I auditioned for on Monday. The great thing is, I still feel like I was the winner. I think this was one of my best auditions. I did exactly what I wanted for the scene and they went with someone else. That is okay because I conquered that nervous energy that I have carried with me.

The biggest lesson for me is that I have the ability to control how I feel about any situation. Knowing that, I was able to accept when I started getting nervous and anxious and move to a better feeling place.

It's funny that if you feel you can't do anything about the feelings that rise up within you then you are a hostage to those emotions. This was my best audition because when I moved from being nervous to excited and hopeful, boy I felt so much more connected to the piece and the scene flowed so much better.

I look forward to future auditions and the opportunity to get further along in my journey as an actor.   

Another Eye Opener

This whole idea of being conscious of where you direct your thoughts and how you are feeling at any given moment is a very interesting concept to live by.

Yesterday, I got a call from my manager informing me of an audition set for Monday for an upcoming pilot. Almost instantaneously, I was aware of a flush of nervous energy sweep through my body. I couldn't tell you if this is something I always did but I was aware this time and it threw me for a loop.  After I got off the phone, I asked myself, what was that about? Instead of excitement at an upcoming audition, I went negative. Why? I immediately decided to reach for a better feeling emotion. I realized that if I have any chance of performing well at the audition, I needed to change my frame of mind right away.

Without focusing on the upcoming audition at all, I chose to put on some music I loved, and watch a few of the youtube clips of Abraham-Hicks which have always been able to put me into a positive frame of mind. Soon, I started to let go of my unexpected nerves and started to laugh and smile and feel good. Shortly, I was able to remember that I have been meditating, putting my focus daily on ways to improve as an actor and hoping to attract auditions for roles that were right for me.

As if a light bulb went off in my head, I thought why go to nervousness about this audition when it makes more sense to take on an attitude of gratitude that Source was sending me what I requested? In no time, it became easier to move to being hopeful about what lay ahead.

Gradually, I could see that like my changed view of my acting class, I had a wonderful new opportunity to change my view of auditions as well. Instead of succeed  or fail, I can look at this as an opportunity to do what I love... act. Instead of nervousness, I actually felt confident that I could find interesting acting choices I can make with whatever the scene will be. And my focus doesn't have to be about getting the job but about giving an interesting performance. The reality is, my performance is all that is within my power to control. In the end, by placing my focus on the joy of the work, I am automatically improving my odds of success. Focusing on stopping my unexpected nerves will only lead to a weaker performance.    

So, this upcoming audition, however it goes, will be a fun new adventure for me. If it isn't fun, then what's the point? I want my life to be about fun, expansion and joy in every aspect of my life, especially my career.   

Musical Inspiration...

Surfing youtube again and found a little musical inspiration like only Patti and Mariah can  deliver.

Je t'aime Paris!

Have I mentioned yet my lifelong love of all things French? It is true. I love the sound of the language, the sensual, sexy quality of its people, and the ever fascinating contributions to the world of cinema!

I, of course, studied French in high school. In college I initially was studying French and planning to spend a semester in Strasbourg. However, I had an encounter that literally led me to follow my intuition and switch universities to become a theater major. While I never regretted that choice, I always regretted never going to France to study for a semester and gain fluency in French.

It has now occurred to me that the only thing keeping me from going is ME. That being the case I am getting out of my own way. I plan to go to Paris in 2011 for a weekend, a week... I have no idea yet, but I am going! I'm choosing 2011 because I want to use the time to learn enough French to be able to get around on my own. Yes, I plan to go on my own. I want to see the Mona Lisa, visit the Eiffel Tower, rent an appartment in the Marais District and walk along the Seine. I am sure I could invite a friend along but I want to do this just for myself and allow myself to step outside of my comfort zone.

I think the biggest challenge will be to develop the discipline to study French everyday growing a little bit at a time until I can speak with confidence!  I need to make this fun because what's the point of doing this if it is not fun? Ideally, I'd like to be able to go see a movie completely in French and not need to read the subtitles!!! Who knows, I may even find romance in the City of Lights. It definitely would be useful to communicate as fully as possible. Otherwise things could get A-W-K-W-A-R-D! Haha!

No time like the present, I am gonna watch the film Je T'Aime Paris in the mood!!

Au Revoir!!         

Lesson From Class

Okay, I have to say last night's acting class was the best one yet! No, I did not nail the scene but I discovered something crucial that I can now work on. My choices were on target but I had a real challenge getting myself to the emotional level needed at the top of the scene to carry me through to the point of tears by the end. I had my emotions going but the tears just did not flow.

Why? Well, I had to step back and accept that I have been shutdown emotionally for quite some time and have done a lot of stuffing doen of my feelings to get through the day to the point it became my new normal. When I wasn't acting, I didn't really notice I was working with anger, happiness or numbness and not much more. I am so so thankful for this revelation because now I can do something about it. Last night was the last "working" class of my group until 2010 so I will definitely be using my downtime working on emotional recall and affective memory exercises to get myself back in shape emotionally speaking for my career. I look forward to getting to the place in my acting when all of my emotions are at my disposal!!

I must say, I don't think this happened by accident or coincidence. The more I am working on creating the life i want, the more life is providing me with opportunities to grow toward my goals without any d-r-a-m-a  mixed into the process. Life truly is great when you let it!!       

D-R-A-M-A...

What a weekend. My citrus-aloe vera infusion helped me to make an appearance at two Halloween parties this weekend but I could have used a few more quarts to get myself to run on Sunday morning in Griffith Park. Instead, I let my body do the talking and it wanted to sleep!

I would call this experiment a success just not a miracle!

I did learn something significant this weekend. As I am becoming more conscious of where my thoughts are leading me these days, I am also very aware of the fact that a number of my friends attract a lot of drama into their lives. My challenge is to not reflexively fall into the drama myself. In truth, I have had to acknowledge that if a number of my friends are swimming in drama, then clearly I have been swimming in that same "pool" since they are in my life. The good thing about being "Awake" to this is knowing I have the power to eliminate the unneccessary drama from my life. How? Well, by realizing that no matter how much I may want to help my friends, I have no power to save anyone from their own drama. It is their issue to wrestle through not mine. Mine is to address my own life issues and let my friends enjoy their own growth.

I found myself slipping into frustration today with a friend and after a little while, I was able to see that this DRAMA had nothing to do with me. I got frustrated because it became clear to me that someone else's drama affected plans I was looking forward to today. But after a few moments I realized I had no interest in letting my day become filled with anything short of the fun I wanted and if that meant having fun on my own then great! Bring it own. As it turned out I found time to chat with family members back home in Philly and it made the morning frustration fall to insignificance.

It is a little weird to realize just how much time I have spent helping friends with unneccessary DRAMA that they have made into a larger life event than was ever necessary. Often I got sucked in to the moment and now, I have absolutely no interest in it whatsoever. Now, I still care about my friends but in the end this is just a diversion from my own issues I am not addressing and/or it usually ends up being a wasted effort. Why, because  more times than not if you are drawing in drama on a regular basis, talking about it over and over just perpetuates the problem and allows you to not actually face your issues.

The more I switch to focusing on being happy, the easier it is becoming to see when drama is approaching and shift away!!