The Past Can Slam You When You Least Expect It...

Man, the show hasn't finished airing yet and already things are getting WEIRD!!! I just went on Facebook to check for messages etc. Well, one of my few friends that I stay in contact with from my neighborhood put me into a group on facebook made of folks from my childhood neighborhood. He also announced I was in a show airing tonight. So now I am getting FB messages from people whose names sound vaguely familiar from when I was say 15 as well as some I will never forget as folks who watched as I went through some of the most horrific moments of my life. My head is spinning right now!!!

Hey maybe they never noticed that I was being taunted, teased, and bullied as they stood there or maybe perspective is everything in those situations? I don't know... I just am finding it really bizarre suddenly having all of these voices from my childhood popping up on facebook now surprised that I am an actor and cheering me on saying we are" family for life." WTF?

I need to take a breath... I am not the child who was once bullied and had to literally fight for self-respect and respect with the neighborhood gang. (I mean gang in the old sense of the word not the drug-dealing "Bloods and Crips" type)   

Alright. Alright. My brain is on overdrive. AHHHHHHHH!!!!

I guess the Universe is giving me an opportunity to put my past in the past and enjoy the life I am living in the present. Hey if that is the gift I can take from this situation than miracles are possible. I am tired of carrying around that old baggage. Wow. Life is one surprise after another. Will have to do some serious meditating on all of this....

Getting Right In My Head...

I think I am becoming the poster boy for contradition! It has been a month since my last blog post, yet I started this blog to vent out my frustrations and figure things out so I can move forward. So, why haven't I? I've noticed I have a real issue with internalizing my frustrations and keeping up a smiling face to friends and family so they don't see that things are not as rosey and exciting as I make them out to be! What is the deal?

I think I have been stressing bc money is getting tight and I am putting my belief system to the test that the Universe will provide as in fact it always has. I do know that where I place my thoughts is what I draw into my life but I am having a challenge with keeping my thoughts in the positive "imagining my success" when my natural inclination is to stress. However, when I let go of the stress and focus on what I want things fall into place. I wish I could get my brain trained on the positive more consistently!

Okay well enough of the ranting.

Tonight's my big night. The episode of the tv show I got an acting gig in airs tonight and I must admit I am excited. It is a one-line role but I had such a blast! A friend wanted to have a big gathering to celebrate. I was about to freak out. I said "For a one- line role? Are you kidding? I will look like an idiot!" So now it is down to me and two friends which I can manage!:) On the one hand I am trying to embrace every victory in my career (big and small) with celebration because the career of an actor is brutal on your ego and sense of self if you let it. But on the other hand, I need to protect myself from situations like a big party where I could find myself in a room full of friends and at the end of the show they go, "That's it? One line?" I know I know if they are friends they would be supportive but sometimes people say things and they don't realize how hurtful a passing comment can be when you are in a vulnerable place.

Ahhhhh. I'm having one of those "Actor's Nightmare" moments where you feel so totally exposed in front of the world. I am sitting here recalling how I have handled my letting my family and friends know I got a part in a TV show. I qualified every email or text with "It's just a one-line role" or "Hey if you blink you will miss me." What is that...self-preservation baby! One because I didn't want to seem like an ass bragging over something that others thought was no big deal and I had this instinct to protect myself from ridicule. Wow... I need therapy....:) Whatever... Okay, so I have some work to do on embracing my successes in life without qualification but damn is that a challenge!

Regardless, I am happy and excited about tonight! I will take baby steps with these two friends of allowing myself to enjoy the moment and the experience with them and not sit on my friend's coach cringing the entire hour!!!!

Man, I swing from positivity to negativity like a freaking pendulum. I am dizzy from all the back and forth!:)

Here we go! Time to go take a shower. It is about to be 5pm pacific time 8pm eastern so my family and friends back east will be starting to watch the show or not... Time to brace myself for whatever comes tonight!  AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!