Monday, March 29, 2010

Can I Be The Space For This?

I just wanted to write today with no profound revelations to proclaim just a need to get out of my own head. I seem to be having one of those days where I have no motivation to do anything. I don't feel depressed, per say. I just don't have any desire to focus on any of the number of things I have on my plate.

I'm hoping tomorrow will get me back on track. Just in case I will start my day with a trip to the gym. Getting the blood flowing is bound to stir things up in a good way.

Perhaps my mind is resisting my plans to get more disciplined. Over the weekend I bought material to create an appointment calender for myself so I can start listing my goals and day -to -day activities i want to get done. I know i need this so I can balance time on my screenplay with time for French, acting exercises, 2011 marathon training and gym time. I know I have an issue with working on one thing and feeling I should be working on something else. My hope is writing it down will help me prioritize how much time during the week goes to what. Hopefully this will allow me to focus on what I am doing at the present moment.

PBS had an hour long  Eckhart Tolle seminar broadcast that mentioned something that has stuck with me. We life so much in worrying about the past or future we lose sight of living in the present moment  which is all we ever have. He said if you take anything from this discussion take this, ask yourself "Can I be the space for this?" In doing so we increase the chances of experiencing where we are in that moment without waiting until that moment before we drift to sleep when we say "Ahh" as we slip into the unconsciousness of sleep.

Maybe I just need to take my vitamins today.

"Can I be the space for this?" Hmmm.

Monday, March 22, 2010

I'M ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!



I DID IT! I had an amazing time yesterday running through the city in the Los Angeles Marathon.  Now, it wasn't all a lovefest I can assure you but I definitely had fun and learned a lot. The run started with hills and they never seemed to end!

There is definitely an energy that comes with over 25,000 people running together through the city streets. I had to fight the natural impulse to get sucked into the excitement of the moment. I was pretty good at setting my own pace but it was definitely a challenge. For the first hour or so I was kicking myself for not pushing myself in my training as much as I could. I knew that this town is full of hills but somehow I rationalized putting off doing hill work as often as possible. BIG mistake. Well, what's done is done. No amount of browbeating was going to make a difference so I reminded myself I am here to have fun not come in first place.

The neighborhoods were amazing to see and the smells of food cooking from the endless supply of restaurants and cafes along the route made it easy to forget about running and be present in my environment. However, I was overwhelmed by the incredible amount of support and encouragement of total strangers who cheered us all on. Having my name on my bib made it so much more personal when spectators screamed my name congratulating me for running as far as I did and lifting me up when I visibly looked like I had no more energy to run.  I cannot tell you how much that meant to me.

After living here for about 20 years, I felt the sense of community I took for granted growing up in Philadelphia. In Philly we had block parties and neighbors were like distant relatives who on some level shared in the fabric of your life. In Los Angeles, my neighbors are all cordial but we all live in our own boxes with little actual interaction. I guess I grew use to it as the by-product of a car dominated city. I firmly believe that a city with a thriving public transportation system is a city where folks feel more connected.  Let's face it you get on a subway or bus 5 days out of the week with the same faces, eventually you will start feeling comfortable enough to talk and share your opinions on just about anything. Hey, even if my theory is wrong, I felt like I had neighbors cheering me all the way to the very end.

Now I can't go any further without sending out a special cosmic thank you to Mariah Carey and Tony Robbins who filled my ipod with hours of motivation and musical inspiration to get me through miles 9 to 26.  Reality check. No matter how great the experience is mentally, physically at some point your body wants to just get home and sleep.

I intentionally didn't rush to announce it took me me roughly 7 hours and 39 minutes. The fact is I was not happy with my running time.  I was doing okay for a good while, and was happy to come in some between 5 and 6 hours or so. I was happy as I moved through my fear of the mile 13 meltdown of the past. Mile 13 NO PROBLEM. Mile 16 not much fun. While I had no medical emergencies lurking within, I definitely had my share of leg cramps and muscle spasms for the remaining 10 miles. Slowly, I had to run less and walk more. By mile 24, I simply wanted to be DONE. I felt like I was in HELL with no way to escape.

After hours on my feet, the most amazing feeling has sitting in the comfortable passenger seat of my friend Larissa's car as she drove me home through the crowded streets. The second best feeling was the taste of a pepperoni and mushroom pizza I devoured at my favorite neighborhood pizzeria- DINO'S.

Last night after stretching and a very hot bath, I was fast asleep by 8 pm.  Best night sleep ever!! Today I feel almost human. No pain just stiffness that seems to show itself whenever I get up and move anywhere. 

It's all good. I just want to be back in shape so I can start training again for next year's marathon. Learning from this year's training mistakes, I look forward to pushing myself harder and making improvements for the 2011 run.  By March of 2011, I will be the master of every hill in town!
 

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Time To Meditate, Relax and Get Centered. But First...

It is amazing how the mind works! If you couldn't tell from my earlier posting, the energy and excitement of the approaching marathon started to get the best of me. Fortunately, when all else fails, my love of acting always intervenes to save me.

My 3pm coaching gig did for me what no amount of valium could accomplish. If I ever questioned I had a passion for acting it came through today. My client had four scenes to work on for Monday's audition and I had 3 hours to get him on the road for success. It took all of a minute for me to focus in on breaking down the scenes, mapping the physicality and charting out the emotional moments he needed to hit in each scene. Then the real work began guiding him to where he needed to go and help him find his personal relationship to the work that would make his performance uniquely his and improve his chances. While there are never any guarantees, it helps to be as prepared as possible to increase the odds in your favor. 3 hours later and I was energized, engaged and completely oblivious to what lay ahead for me in the morning.  As he was heading home he mentioned how cool he thought it was I was doing the marathon.

Bamm! I came back to earth. Immediately I raced to Sport's Chalet in Burbank to buy a new pair of coolmax socks so my feet stay as ventilated as possible. I also found a better waist belt to carry my liquids. Instead of my one bottle, I got a waist belt with a pouch for my cell phone, id, "Gu Chomps" for energy maintenance and four small bottles that I am about to fill with the coconut water I purchased for electrolyte replenishment. If all this doesn't keep my mile 13 fears at bay, nothing will.

So, now with about half an hour before I must turn in, I think I will double check my ipod to make sure I have my mood music to keep me going when my body no longer wants to dance! So much to do, so much to do! In the end it is all about having fun and feeling alive.

I don't care how long it takes me to finish, I just want to enjoy the journey and look as sexy as I can when I run through West Hollywood, who knows, my future "huuuusband" may be enjoying a mocha latte at the Abbey when suddenly he turns and sees ME and in that moment he just knows we were MEANT TO BE. The least I could do is not look like I am gasping for my last breath as I run through "Boy's Town".  Priorities, people. It is all about setting priorities! hahaha!

What?

Did you just say I'm dreaming? Hey, I still have 20 minutes left. Uhmm... make that 15.

A little dreaming or "visualizing" the future never hurt anybody.   

The Countdown Has Begun...

I just got back from my first trip to Dodger's Stadium. YAY!! I worked my way through the crowd of thousands at the LA Marathon's Run EX 10 Expo held just outside of Dodger's Stadium in the parking area. Okay so, technically I will maybe get inside the stadium for the first time tomorrow morning but who cares.

It was all good fun despite the total chaos. Never one for crowds, it was, I must admit, "awkward as ass" to work my way to the bloody Sport's Chalet tent to get my bib, t-shirt and goodie bag.

As much as I would have loved to wander around aimlessly for hours looking at all of the high-priced running products, I got a last minute call to coach an actor for an audition he has on Monday for a movie. Lord knows, I am apt to be a bit too wonkie Sunday in the hours after the marathon to coach anyone! So, I walked my way back to the Metro Redline Civic Center subway stop and got back to my car which I conveniently parked at the Lankershim Station lot near Universal Studios.

Why, do you ask, did I not just drive to Dodger's Stadium to pick up my stuff instead of do the public transpo shuffle? Well, I am an eastcoaster at heart, first generation American, born and bred in the City of Brotherly Love, Philadelphia, PA!! I just can't help myself. I love Los Angeles but if I can get somewhere by public transit I feel FREE and in touch with what is going on around me. Besides, I just do not enjoy driving in Los Angeles.

Aside from all this, it was a nice test run for tomorrow. There is no parking allowed at Dodger's Stadium tomorrow and the finish line is literally on the other end of town. My bright idea is to park by Universal Studios, take the Redline train and walk the 2.5 miles from the Civic Center station to the starting line. When I finish the marathon at Santa Monica Beach Pier, I will either get a ride with a friend who will be cheering me on to the finish or I will grab a bus back to my car. There is something carefree and easy about being able to get around whether I have a car or not in a town ruled by drivers who panic at the first sign of rain! haha! A light drizzle is like a bloody snow storm to folks out here... but I digress.

All in all, I got a good sense of what the road is like at the start of the race by walking to the stadium and BOY, is it gonna be hilly! I am still however, very excited! When I finish with my 3 pm coaching gig, I will start prepping for tomorrow and get to bed as early as possible. Wish me luck folks!! 26.2 miles, here I come!!


When You Need to Laugh or Just Feel Good

While roaming the blogosphere I came across a lovely site by Angelia Sims called Living Loving, Laughing http://youthinkyoucanblog.wordpress.com 

Check out it out. It will make you smile.

Below is a wonderful video I viewed on her site.  On her site she encouraged viewers to share the video with as many people as possible so I am sharing it with you.  Who ever you may be. Think of it as a random act of kindness just for YOU.

 It's called  The Levity Project: Car Dancing. I dare you to watch it and not feel good!


Friday, March 19, 2010

Marathon Madness

What the hell was I thinking?! I signed up to once again face my fears and tackle the Los Angeles Marathon. The last time I did this was 2003, I think, on the heels of my run in the Honolulu Marathon. That was SEVEN YEARS AGO!

My last LA Marathon adventure was, to say the least, a memorable experience. At mile 13, my body went a bit haywire. I walked the remaining 13.2 miles with the support of a kind friend who made sure I didn't pass out on the side of the road. All I could remember was that everything seemed brighter than I knew it should have been. As I made my way home on the redline subway, I could barely stand up. The pain from my hidden kidney problem made it unbearable to stand up straight or even get into a comfortable position for more than 2 minutes at a time.

Who knew I was running with what I would later discover was a contricted urether? Four surgeries later, with the last adding a week in the ICU of Kaiser:Sunset Hospital, and all is good as new. The doctor said I could run as many marathons as I wanted. Yet, the fear of repeating my mile 13 meltdown has made the thought of running another marathon especially the LA Marathon ridiculous! So, why the hell did I sign up for this 26.2 mile trek through Hell again? At this moment I haven't the foggiest idea.

With barely two days before the event, I think reality has set in. I have been training, on my own, and on weekends with two friends I ran "Honolulu" with that I was able to entice back. Nevertheless, reality is staring me in the face and I can't figure out why it is so important to face down this old fear and run again! I will admit the training has allowed me to regain that love of running I once had. There is nothing more calming to my over active mind than hitting that runner's high when everything seems manageable in life, if only for a few moments.  I have even found joy in getting my butt back to the gym. So, why take this journey to Hell on Sunday morning?

I know... I know... this is all just nerves. I actually am looking forward to it. I think...

I am only too aware that conquering this fear will not suddenly transform my life. It will however, if only temporarily, remind me that I CAN accomplish anything I set my mind to.I want to get back to that place where I allowed myself to dream BIG! I don't care if I have to crawl  across the finish line! Sometimes, REALITY is overrated. It is worth every step to DREAM again.


Tumbling Into Wonderland...

I consider myself a relative newcomer to this whole blogging thing. My purpose was to use it as an online journal of sorts, allowing myself to face my own thoughts, shape my destiny, if you will, and force myself to confront my demons and create the life I wish to live as fully as possible.

I love words. I love mythology and I love the notion of life as a heroic journey of discovery. Well.., now I find myself at yet another fork in the road. Actually, I think it would be more accurate to say I am at the other end of the rabbit hole, taking my first look at Wonderland!

































When I set up this blog, I signed up with one or two blog sites or directories or whatever they are called and proceeded to get on with simply writing. Then, following my intuition as I am once again learning to embrace, I decided to revisit those blog directories and take a second look. I discovered there were many a group that covers just about every type of blogger that is out there- from gay activists to spiritual seekers to online entrepeneurs. You name it, it is out there. So I clicked around from one group to another and joined a few groups I found interesting. In short order I found myself in communication with literally people from around the globe. Suddenly folks were checking out my blog and a few even joined as followers.

Along the way, I found an endless array of stories, articles and interesting photography from blogs I never would have stumbled upon on my own. Hours passed as I traveled the wonderous landscape of the logosphere and I barely scratched the surface.

At times I felt like a lone traveler walking with only a flask of water while everyone else sped by in gravity defying hovercrafts. I have become painfully aware of just how little I know about this new world and how much there is to learn. There are widgets and gadgets and monetization devices. There is blog lingo and blog etiquette that I have yet to master. And all of this is completely separate from simply writing my own thoughts down on the little patch of cyberland I call home. Phew! I thought Facebook was overwhelming!

I do feel a little like Orpheus traveling into the underworld to rescue his lover, Eurydice. As long as I don't look back I can find my way back home and not be lost in the mists of Hades forever.

It is all so exciting and intimidating at the same time. But I am sure I will find my way as so many others have before me. My hero's journey has led me on this path and where it takes me nobody knows.... I have long been a solitary traveler so what stands before me will definitely be moving me out of my comfort zone. Yet, somehow I sense a joyous adventure lies ahead!

Only the Fates know for certain.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Know Your Food

I just finished watching the documentary called Food, Inc. I would encourage everyone to get a copy and check it out for yourself. It will definitely force you to stop and question can you eat that beef, pork, chicken, genetically modified food product, etc. when you know what goes into making it that way?

I am actually more shocked than I imagined. What I thought would be the scariest part, the manner in which certain animnals are industrially raised in order to meet the needs of our get it quick consumer society, is but a morsel of the cornacopia of frightening facts I was totally unaware existed.

I feel like I must clean out my refrigerator and freezer and start from scratch! I am going to investigate what it really means to go organic and what alternatives I have aside from shopping at Whole Foods. I think I may have as much of a challenge with withdrawal as my body purges its addictions to all of these food-like inventions and fillers as I have with nicotine withdrawal. It may not be directly similar but I know a mental battle is inevitable.

Food, Inc. started me seriously thinking about things I never knew and now I need to figure out how do I proceed> How do I regain a sincere craving for organic healthy foods?

The fact still remains, I LOVE FOOD. I LOVE COOKING. I don't want to live on carrot sticks and celery, so whatever comes of this mini adventure, I better find some way to eat healthier without losing the Joy of it all!

Saturday, March 6, 2010

“If You’re Going Through Hell, Keep Going.”

Winston Churchill once said, “If you’re going through Hell, keep going.” I got this quote from an article in one of those positive thinking newsletters that a good friend emailed to me. I found myself reading this article and the quote just SPOKE TO ME!  It has been just a few hours and the restlessness and need to stay busy so I don't given to the impulse to walk to my corner store and buy a pack of cigarettes is slowing growing like a ghost's whisper in the back of my mind getting gradually louder and louder!

It is just freaky to feel like a junkie craving a stupid cigarette! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!! Okay. Okay. You know what? I think that there is something about smoking that has allowed me to ignore the grime that the lingering smoke leaves on walls curtains and appliances. I guess I noticed them before but for some reason tonight I found myself whipping out the bottle of 409 cleaner and attacking my stovetop and refrigerator! I was embarassed at the mess and now I see it popping out at me as I suddenly notice the amber colored filmy stain of cigarettes smoke on the walls and kitchen cabinets. Perhaps I should focus my withdrawal anxiety into cleaning. I have wanted to paint my apartment. well I think I will start with a thorough cleaning and move toward a section by section paint job! Might as well make my distractions productive and fun!

I may want to read some Joseph Campbell because I am gaining strength from the use of archetypal patterns and mythic stories as an amusing perspective to take regarding my life challenges and how to face them. It is not so sad or dramatic to see my life as a hero's journey because there is a subtle suggestion to self that despite all odds, triumph is possible for the hero! Also it feels less pathetic and tragic. I am bored with the victim mentality that I never realized has been ingrained as a view of my world. Time to let go of the powerless feelings of childhood trauma and reinvent my approach.

I am still wrapping my brain around how so many of my actions have been subtle masks of pain I pretended I was over. But how can you ever really be over something unless you really face it and defuse the warped power it has over you. So maybe Joseph Campbell will have some guideposts that amuse as they help with healing. I always loved Greek mythology as a child- time to dust of those old books of mine and use the creative resources at my disposal.


YES, I am rambling. I am using this entry as a dumping ground of thoughts and ideas I can use to grow as an actor and a man.  AND It is keeping me from running out the door for the corner store. Time to get creative. In previous attempts to quit I have found my anxiety level rise and the intensity of my emotions reach a level where the most negative thought seems logical and the assumption of my life as a joke seems way too acceptable to me.

Let's see if there is some imaginative, creative way to embrace the Hero's journey as my default setting instead! I have a feeling when that happens, success will not seem so illusive!! I know everything is connected. I have always accepted that life brings you what you focus on and believe with emotion! Since my life-romantically, financially and professionally has not been what I would ever call successful up to this point, there is a neon flashing sign in the middle of my apartment that I have avoided for years! I have clearly accepted negativity and victimhood as reality and achievement of my dreams as a pipe dream.  Otherwise I would have seen more success and less just getting by. If I truly focused on what I wanted and not on what I didn't want then odds are I would have to do better than just getting by year after year after year.

Enough rambling! Time to embrace my inner epic hero's journey and flesh out exactly what kind of hero I want to be! I have always been drawn to the story of Perseus, I think I will embrace what guidance I may find and enjoy letting my imagination empower me as it is so inspired!  Now that sounds like fun!

Here is a little cinematic inspiration to get me going!

Friday, March 5, 2010

NO Butts, Ands or Ifs... It's All about Being Conscious

Just hung up with my 1-800-NoButts support person. I am not sure what I was expecting. Specifically, he had me write down my top three triggers for smoking:
1. Stress
2. Smoking After Eating
3. Boredom/Mindless TV Watching

From there I was asked to come up with at least 3 or 4 Strategies to use when these Triggers flair up.
This was something that may have overlap but anything that works I will use. So here are a few things I came up with:

Strategies for Stress-
1. Drink Green Tea
2. Work out at Bally's gym
3. Jog
4. Meditate or do breathing exercises

Strategies for Smoking After Eating-
1. Take a walk
2. Pick up a book and read
3. Work on Screenplay
4. Drink more water

Strategies for Smoking due to Boredom/ Mindless TV Watching-
1. Work out at gym or some form of exercise
2. Go to library
3. Study French language skills
4. Work on Screenplay

I made the commitment to make today my Quit Date so I am starting these strategies immediately.

I must confess, the support guy was nice but it felt more like talking to a telemarketer who was leading me through a questionnaire but I will give credit, the program does have a structure that is set up to make you think about how much, when and why you smoke. So despite his nice but lackluster "support style"  forcing me to think of triggers and strategies did give me tools to fall back on when in a crisis. There were no new tools but it made me realize one major thing. Quittting is, at least for me all about being more CONSCIOUS of when I am being triggered and making the CHOICE to actually work as many strategies as often as I can until I get things under control. My support guy scheduled a follow up call for Wednesday night to see how I am doing so I do appreciate having this initial accountability date so I have more motivation to reach the goal of remaining smokefree until next week!


I am gonna strive to make this a fun adventure rather than a tragedy waiting to happen. I will pick up my "hero's sword and shield" and start planning how "Medusa" is gonna lose her head! BRING IT ON!!!

Hoping Thor's Hammer Would Tap Me On The Shoulder!

It has been a very interesting time for me. Last month, I was lucky enough to get an audition for a small role in the upcoming film "Thor." I cannot tell you how exciting it was to go in and have my shot at being a part of an almost assured blockbuster that definitely would hold the potential of moving my career forward substantially! The audition went very well. Actually it was one of my best! I could not stop thinking about possibly working with Kenneth Branaugh, Renee Russo and Sir Anthony Hopkins!! I kept my mouth shut and refused to even mention the film by name so as not to set myself up for a bigger fall if I didn't get it.

Well, last week I got a call from my manager who received a call from the casting director who told him I was still in the running for the role!! They also wanted to know if I was available for shooting on March 8th. Let me tell you I was on CLOUD NINE!! At the very least, I know that I made a favorable impression with the casting director  and possibly the producers to still be in the running.

Why then am I mentioning the name of the film I kept such a secret for the last month? Umm, well... it is now 6:00 p.m. on Friday, March 5th and I must concede the possiblity and strong likelihood that I did not get the role. Certainly, I would have heard by now if I was cast for a role that is going into shooting on Monday.
I guess there is always the chance of delays in the shooting schedule. However, for my own mental health as an actor, I feel it is best to mourn the loss of such a fantastic opportunity and take pride in the fact that my talents got me this far. I am not leaving empty-handed because, believe it or not, making a good impression on such a big time casting director opens a door to future consideration that did not exist before this whole experience.

The future now seems full of possibilities!!


I may be temporarily disappointed but I am happy for such an exciting adventure in this hero's endless epic journey that I call MY LIFE! 


One Small Step For This Man...

Okay. I have spent quite a bit of time this week pondering some of the root causes of my smoking addiction - YES it is an addiction, apparently harder to kick than heroin, or so I am told.  I actually believe it which is all the more reason to quit. The good news is that after all this thinking and trial and error attempts to quit on my own, I have done something I rarely ever do. I reached out for help. While watching the 4:00 pm news, i saw a commercial for 1-800-NOBUTTS and decided quite spontaneously to call for their free support services. I was taken through a brief questionnaire and discovered, through my responses that I have been a bit down in the dumps lately if not close to being depressed. Now this is my own diagnosis, not theirs. It just came very clear from my answers that my thoughts of late have been what I would characterize as behavior of someone who is depressed. It's funny how you can be oblivious to things and I guess when you are ready to see or hear things they come into focus in your mind.

So, I scheduled an appointment to talk with a support specialist, I guess you would call him or her, via phone tonight at 6:30 pm and will be receiving literature to help me out as well through the mail. I also agreed to be contacted at a later date to see how I am doing and how their support helped or didn't help me. I kind of like that as it gives me a small added incentive to work harder because I know at least someone out there will be holding me accountable. As a single guy with most of my family on the east coast, it is easy to talk myself into buying a pack of cigarettes but at least knowing someone will be checking up will give me something to pause and contemplate before I make another purchase of those addictive sticks!

I want to run the LA marathon smokefree and time is running out! The marathon is March 21st! I have been training but I know my training and my workouts would be so much more enjoyable and effective if I can just lick this addiction.

Success has not come yet with this endeavor but at least I haven't thrown in the towel. This hero's journey would be very boring if there weren't some real serious challenges to be faced and conquered. I guess cigarettes are my "Medusa" that I must behead or be turned to stone!


With a little luck, cunning, and hard work, I will find my way and slay this "Monster" once and for all!!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Searching For Answers...or YOU WANT THE TRUTH? YOU CAN HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!

I am searching for answers... I have gotten a grip on my diet. I have learned that I have eaten more processed foods than fresh and that has taken a toll on my energy, stamina and overall health. Becoming more conscious of what I eat has helped in making better choices. I am juicing more, eating fruits and vegetables on a regular basis and feeling better most of the time.

Unfortunately stress has not magically disappeared. I have a lot of toxins built up in my system and the slow flushing of these toxins have provided me with many challenges but it is worth it to feel better. The better I eat the more motivated i am to go to the gym. The more I am at the gym, the better I feel emotionally and physically. It still is a rollercoaster ride. Hopefully soon things will start to even out.

My biggest challenge is the cigarettes.  I have quit cold turkey then something stresses me out and cigarettes are the only tool I have to fight it. Right now, I am at a fork in the road. I realized that I must face and conquer the real reasons I smoke and deal with those issues. What I do know is that I have carried scars from childhood that I have only recently realized that i am still carrying with me.

I spent my high school years being tormented by neighborhood kids who enjoyed making me feel worthless everytime I left my house. School and my childhood home were my only refuge. These teenaged tormentors seemed to know before I did that I was gay and they whistled, taunted and harrassed me every time I left the house.  I forced myself to pretend it wasn't happening. I never let my family know. I kept it inside. That was a mistake. I became I think a bit of a control freak since then because I needed to control my emotions and not let others know they hurt me. I stuffed down feelings and started a pattern of stuffing down negative emotions/ I want to break this habit now. Officially, I started smoking with the San Francisco earthquake, which I think was the height of feeling out of control as that was my first earthquake experience. I guess in some part I have been using cigarrettes to stay in control of my emotions. This is definitely not healthy. This change will not be easy but I must give it a try.
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