Blindsided

This weekend has been a big test for me. I received some news that had me racing back to the nearest liquor store for a pack of cigarettes. My favorite cousin, Jinx, was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. Strangely enough, this rare cancer has struck my family before, killing two of my mothers six sisters. I have to say the news has flooded me with a well of emotions I did not expect to have so strongly. Jinx has always been the cousin that I connected with almost immediately since childhood. She was a number of years older than me but we just connected spiritually. In my youth, my mother, sister and I would spend summers in Maryland visiting my Aunt B, her daughter Jinx and Jinx's family. I have so many childhood memories linked with Jinx that it seems inconceivable to imagine her not around.

It is times like this that makes you look more deeply at life and at those you love. I spoke with jinx last night and I am happy to say that she is facing this new challenge in her life with a sense of peace and inner strength I find inspiring.  Her years of meditation and spiritual exploration has prepared her to face this challenge with positivity and not defeat. She is embracing the power of laughter and joy to help her do her part to facilitate her healing in conjunction with her medical treatments. Apparently there are so few places equipped to treat this form of cancer that she has to go to John Hopkins who are able to help her.

I feel in many ways powerless to help but I will find some way physically or spiritually to help.  If it is possible to send loving energy to her I will do it.

I immediately ran to cigarettes. Not sure why it helped cope and now I see i have a lot more to do to deal with intense emotions especially when they come out of the blue. But, I will not waste any time beating myself up about having to start over again. I may fall a million times but I will never give up.

Life just keeps surprising.

I am a little off today so I think I will stop now and just feel what I am feeling.

Staying on Course, Keeping Inspired

After getting a good night's sleep it is great to be able to realize that with all of the frustration and resistance I was made aware of in my current experience, I see that I have the power to let go of that old limiting story and move into the new story of what is working for me.

Today is the last day of my first semester with my acting class. I have grown immensely in my craft and in my awareness of what new aspects of my craft I want to work on for next semester.

My awareness of the challenges in my life is evidence of my closer connection to my intuition. I know that I don't have to be affected by what others are going through but allow them to have their journey and reflect on what triggers feelings in me are areas where I can release resistance in my own life. I am excited to see what is yet to unfold knowing that I can never go back so I can embrace what arrives now with joy!

Below is a little inspiration just to help me stay on track with where I want to keep going.





It also doesn't hurt to look again at the clip of Will's Wisdom.

CRAP IS JUST CRAP, NO MATTER HOW YOU DRESS IT UP!!!

I am up late, watching In The Line of Fire. I see how almost effortlessly Clint Eastwood and John Malkovich create characters that are not just compelling but truly interesting to watch in their nuanced performances.I have miles to go before I reach that level but the journey will be worth the trip.

As I pass the sleepless hours away, it becomes clearer to me that all that I want will take some doing on my part to attain. I must dig deeper than I ever imagined to get there. As I work each day, I am aware of how challenging it is to get out of my own way. I have spent so much time believing I could never have what I want that so much of my work now is undoing the very thinking that has led me here. That is okay because I made the best choices I could at the time. The challenge now is to stop my own rationalizing my own crappy choices and make the better choice that will get me closer to what I want.

It sounds easier than it is because, let's face it, it is so much easier to lie to ourselves and say my biggest regret is not doing this or not doing that. But at what point do I stop my own self-delusion and make the tough choice to do the thing I want no matter how hard it is until eventually it is no longer hard to do? That is where the talk of 'The Secret" meets with the reality of living "The Secret" knowing that anything worth having is worth working for.

I am tired of D-R-A-M-A. Tired of hearing it from myself and tired of hearing it from my friends when it is usually just self-delusion created to be comfortable with not taking any risk at all. Is it really so hard to stop doing things that aren't helping you get where you want to go? No. But it is easier to simply stew in your own crap and blame everyone including yourself for not being strong enough. BORING!! 

Once you open your eyes, it is almost unbearable to listen to the crap over and over again. Why, because once your eyes are open and you've cleared the wax from your ears, it is way too obvious when you are hearing crap. When I hear my friends talking crap, I have decided to just remain silent because there is no amount of talking I can do to convince them they are choosing to stay stuck in their crap. And when they do realize I may be right when I point this out, there is nothing I can do to make them do what they usually have no interest in doing and that is changing. In the end, it is not my responsibility to try to change anyone. And I simply sound like a nag. They have their own journey to take and I have mine. As much as I love my friends, these efforts are a waste of time because they are distractions I am engaging in that keep me from working on eliminating my own crap.

Trust me, clearing my own crap is a full-time job all on its own.

Why am I ranting? Well, I no longer have my Marlboro Lights 100 to hide behind. So, I am now left to feel what I am feeling and come to terms with the fact that I know that I have spent so much time trying to be a "friend" to my friends that I haven't been much of a "friend" to myself. Is this being selfish? I guess but, it is time I start being selfish. I want the changes in my life to come sooner rather than later and that will require me to change in ways that have defined me up to this point. This is not to say I have been a martyr. On the contrary. I think, it has been my way of unconsciously giving myself permission to not focus on my path. I am walking my walk now but it is new territory and it is not always pleasant but I have to believe that living by example is the best thing I can do for myself and my friends. Otherwise I am talking the talk but not walking the walk.

Wow, who knew it is actually difficult to choose to be happy as often as possible? It is only in that it is hard not to be triggered by those around me who up to this point were just like me mirroring back to me the life I was creating for myself. But now that I want to change, that means I must walk through the negative thoughts flying toward me and within me that I didn't notice before or ignored with each puff of my chain-smoking habit.

AHHHHHH!!!!!! It is almost too much to deal with at times. I am a little lost without my crutch!! I must process what I am feeling and stop stuffing it away!!

I find it funny that over these last few weeks, as I am walking into this new territory of choosing to be happy, I have been fighting down a lingering chest cold that just won't go away. Call it symbolism but it is very much a reminder to me of the baggage I need to let go of that feels impossible to shake but must be shaken if I ever want to get to the other side.

This is good. Writing this out is in some way helping me to resist less and allow more joy to take root.  One day this will all be a funny memory I can look back on but until then, I will search for thoughts that are closer to where I want to be until I get there. The journey never ends, I'll never get it done but I can still choose to enjoy the journey as often as I can. It is all about the journey. It is all about the journey. How can I make the journey more fun? Just for today. All there is is today. The past is over. Tomorrow is not real. The only reality is the present moment. For this present moment, which is all we ever have anyway, I choose to be HAPPY!!!!!!!

Zone and The Art of Running in The Bicycle Lane

Thank God for the ZONE!! 

Today my marathon running training has reached 10 miles!! It is amazing that despite the chest congestion that had me in and out of consciousness - making a blur of the last 48 hours, I was able to get my ass out of bed and get to Griffith Park. The first five minutes of running were painful because everything felt out of whack. My chest hurt, my hands were ice cold, and it was chilly at 7:30 am. However, those five minutes passed and within 30 minutes I was comfortably in "The Zone" that magical place where everything feels GREAT and life has unlimited possibilities.

The Zone was needed this week because as I transitioned from day two to day three of my fabulous smoke-free life, my thoughts were reminding me of how much I used cigarettes to surpress negative thoughts and frustrations. As I lay in bed last night I found myself having mental arguments with people as if I were leaping into the future arguing about some comment or action I suspect they will do. It was quite creepy and showed me just how much anger I have been stuffing down. Luckily, I was able to shift my thinking but it was much more of a challenge fighting off all these negative thoughts. It was a nice wake up call that I need to be more deliberate in my thinking especially as I let go of my cigarette crutch...

I felt a bit of the negativity bug popping back up this morning as I tried to stay within the bicycle lane along Forest Lawn Drive. Then, I hit the zone,and it was as if life made a shift into "Happy Town."

Considering cigarette addiction is one of the hardest addictions to break, I am proud of myself and I am grateful that I have been able to get through these first three days without much drama. Who knows how the rest of the day will fair but I plan to be as kind to myself as possible. There is nothing more important to me today than that I have fun and be happy. Anything less is letting the cigarettes win. 

Surviving "DAY TWO"

It is Day Two and I can honestly say I have not thought about smoking and haven't had any cravings.
I am however, fighting back a chest cold that appearred seemingly out of nowhere.

Now Day One, was interesting. I cleared out my apartment of any signs of my former smoking self. Not a half smoked cigarette butt in the place. I woke up yesterday at 6 am and rushed myself over to the Bikram Yoga studio for their 7am class. The class was great and I felt as if I had worked out at the gym. The heat definitely helped me stretch out some very stiff muscles and joints. I left feeling like a million bucks. The class finished around 8:30 am and I was on top of the world!

I tried to connect with a friend to grab some breakfast but she didn't pick up. I thought I would change and go to the gym. But first I needed a little nap. Not a big fan of naps but my couch was callling.  Slowly I started to feel a little sore as if I already worked out so I decided to not overdue things. Later, I dropped off some letters at the post office and picked up a copy of the dvd "Away We Go." 

I became really a bit obssessed with sleep. I took another short nap before I snuggled under blankets and enjoyed the film.

Slowly I could feel that weird feverish feeling you get when you know some illness is lurking but not sure what it is for certain. I spent much of the hours between Thursday night and Friday morning in a semi-conscious daze with my chest feeling like crap. Eventually I slept and didn't wake til sometime around 12:30 or 1pm Friday afternoon.

I can only assume my body is reacting to my quitting smoking but I am not complaining. It is as if my body is giving itself a tune up. Normally even when I am sick my nicotine cravings are still strong. At this moment, I have no desire to smoke. My next real challenge is Sunday, when I have breakfast with a friend, not my Sunday Brunch friend- he had to cancel for this sunday. No this friend, she is a serious smoker and I am hoping she can refrain from smoking around me or at least not offer me cigarettes in case I find myself tempted. Either way I will be fine. I am committed to quitting. If I can't be around my smoking friends for a little while until I get more smoke-free time under my belt than I will adjust as needed. Whatever I need to do to remain smoke-free I will do it.

As far as mood swings go, I have been having moments of sudden and intense annoyance but it quickly disappears as quickly as it arose. I think the best thing about being in bed sick is I am getting thru my first 72 hours (apparently the worst period) with little interactions with those who might trigger me. I do feel a strange connection to my emotions right now but mixed with this overwhelming need to sleep has everything feeling blurry.
    

Taking a Deep Breath and Letting Go...

It is time to move into my truth and face my biggest challenge.

I firmly believe that this process of directing my thoughts and feelings in the direction I want rather than on what I don't want is the key to creating the life of my dreams. The challenge is that I have used cigarettes as a crutch to deal with the stress and fears in my life.

Now it has become clear to me that I must stop smoking and allow myself to feel FULLY what I am feeling. This is truly new territory because I feel things intensely especially when I am not smoking. I have faith that I will be able to navigate my way through this but it will definitely be a challenge. Many good friends of mine are smokers and I hope they can respect my desire to quit but if they don't that will not deter me. I want to do this and I need to do this for myself. I know that in doing this I will be jumpstarting my journey because I will be living fully every experience.  I have no judgement for anyone else who chooses to smoke. I just know for myself that if I want to live fully I must experience all of my emotions and not hide behind the cigarettes.     

I will definitely be relying on my running and gym workouts to get me through to the otherside.

Initially I planned on quitting when I went home for christmas. However, as the thought of quitting has been coming up for me quite frequently lately, I have no real reason why I don't just stop now. So, I will go to bed tonight and awaken to my first smoke-free day.

It seems odd that a wrapper of dried leaves should have such an impact on my day to day life. If I want to live in my truth I must walk in my truth. I have tried quitting so often it is ridiculous. But each time I started back was because I had a hard time feeling things so intensely. The hard truth is to embrace what life and Source has in store for me, I must actually embrace it and not hold to these dried leaves. They have become a symbol of my biggest fears. How can I continue using them when they keep me stuck?  In the end these dried leaves have no power other than that which I give them. I choose to channel the energy that will assuredly arise within me to breathing in as much joy and fun into my life and acting career as I can.



   

And The Winner Is...

You may have guessed, I did not get the job I auditioned for on Monday. The great thing is, I still feel like I was the winner. I think this was one of my best auditions. I did exactly what I wanted for the scene and they went with someone else. That is okay because I conquered that nervous energy that I have carried with me.

The biggest lesson for me is that I have the ability to control how I feel about any situation. Knowing that, I was able to accept when I started getting nervous and anxious and move to a better feeling place.

It's funny that if you feel you can't do anything about the feelings that rise up within you then you are a hostage to those emotions. This was my best audition because when I moved from being nervous to excited and hopeful, boy I felt so much more connected to the piece and the scene flowed so much better.

I look forward to future auditions and the opportunity to get further along in my journey as an actor.   

Another Eye Opener

This whole idea of being conscious of where you direct your thoughts and how you are feeling at any given moment is a very interesting concept to live by.

Yesterday, I got a call from my manager informing me of an audition set for Monday for an upcoming pilot. Almost instantaneously, I was aware of a flush of nervous energy sweep through my body. I couldn't tell you if this is something I always did but I was aware this time and it threw me for a loop.  After I got off the phone, I asked myself, what was that about? Instead of excitement at an upcoming audition, I went negative. Why? I immediately decided to reach for a better feeling emotion. I realized that if I have any chance of performing well at the audition, I needed to change my frame of mind right away.

Without focusing on the upcoming audition at all, I chose to put on some music I loved, and watch a few of the youtube clips of Abraham-Hicks which have always been able to put me into a positive frame of mind. Soon, I started to let go of my unexpected nerves and started to laugh and smile and feel good. Shortly, I was able to remember that I have been meditating, putting my focus daily on ways to improve as an actor and hoping to attract auditions for roles that were right for me.

As if a light bulb went off in my head, I thought why go to nervousness about this audition when it makes more sense to take on an attitude of gratitude that Source was sending me what I requested? In no time, it became easier to move to being hopeful about what lay ahead.

Gradually, I could see that like my changed view of my acting class, I had a wonderful new opportunity to change my view of auditions as well. Instead of succeed  or fail, I can look at this as an opportunity to do what I love... act. Instead of nervousness, I actually felt confident that I could find interesting acting choices I can make with whatever the scene will be. And my focus doesn't have to be about getting the job but about giving an interesting performance. The reality is, my performance is all that is within my power to control. In the end, by placing my focus on the joy of the work, I am automatically improving my odds of success. Focusing on stopping my unexpected nerves will only lead to a weaker performance.    

So, this upcoming audition, however it goes, will be a fun new adventure for me. If it isn't fun, then what's the point? I want my life to be about fun, expansion and joy in every aspect of my life, especially my career.   

Musical Inspiration...

Surfing youtube again and found a little musical inspiration like only Patti and Mariah can  deliver.

Je t'aime Paris!

Have I mentioned yet my lifelong love of all things French? It is true. I love the sound of the language, the sensual, sexy quality of its people, and the ever fascinating contributions to the world of cinema!

I, of course, studied French in high school. In college I initially was studying French and planning to spend a semester in Strasbourg. However, I had an encounter that literally led me to follow my intuition and switch universities to become a theater major. While I never regretted that choice, I always regretted never going to France to study for a semester and gain fluency in French.

It has now occurred to me that the only thing keeping me from going is ME. That being the case I am getting out of my own way. I plan to go to Paris in 2011 for a weekend, a week... I have no idea yet, but I am going! I'm choosing 2011 because I want to use the time to learn enough French to be able to get around on my own. Yes, I plan to go on my own. I want to see the Mona Lisa, visit the Eiffel Tower, rent an appartment in the Marais District and walk along the Seine. I am sure I could invite a friend along but I want to do this just for myself and allow myself to step outside of my comfort zone.

I think the biggest challenge will be to develop the discipline to study French everyday growing a little bit at a time until I can speak with confidence!  I need to make this fun because what's the point of doing this if it is not fun? Ideally, I'd like to be able to go see a movie completely in French and not need to read the subtitles!!! Who knows, I may even find romance in the City of Lights. It definitely would be useful to communicate as fully as possible. Otherwise things could get A-W-K-W-A-R-D! Haha!

No time like the present, I am gonna watch the film Je T'Aime Paris in the mood!!

Au Revoir!!         

Lesson From Class

Okay, I have to say last night's acting class was the best one yet! No, I did not nail the scene but I discovered something crucial that I can now work on. My choices were on target but I had a real challenge getting myself to the emotional level needed at the top of the scene to carry me through to the point of tears by the end. I had my emotions going but the tears just did not flow.

Why? Well, I had to step back and accept that I have been shutdown emotionally for quite some time and have done a lot of stuffing doen of my feelings to get through the day to the point it became my new normal. When I wasn't acting, I didn't really notice I was working with anger, happiness or numbness and not much more. I am so so thankful for this revelation because now I can do something about it. Last night was the last "working" class of my group until 2010 so I will definitely be using my downtime working on emotional recall and affective memory exercises to get myself back in shape emotionally speaking for my career. I look forward to getting to the place in my acting when all of my emotions are at my disposal!!

I must say, I don't think this happened by accident or coincidence. The more I am working on creating the life i want, the more life is providing me with opportunities to grow toward my goals without any d-r-a-m-a  mixed into the process. Life truly is great when you let it!!       

D-R-A-M-A...

What a weekend. My citrus-aloe vera infusion helped me to make an appearance at two Halloween parties this weekend but I could have used a few more quarts to get myself to run on Sunday morning in Griffith Park. Instead, I let my body do the talking and it wanted to sleep!

I would call this experiment a success just not a miracle!

I did learn something significant this weekend. As I am becoming more conscious of where my thoughts are leading me these days, I am also very aware of the fact that a number of my friends attract a lot of drama into their lives. My challenge is to not reflexively fall into the drama myself. In truth, I have had to acknowledge that if a number of my friends are swimming in drama, then clearly I have been swimming in that same "pool" since they are in my life. The good thing about being "Awake" to this is knowing I have the power to eliminate the unneccessary drama from my life. How? Well, by realizing that no matter how much I may want to help my friends, I have no power to save anyone from their own drama. It is their issue to wrestle through not mine. Mine is to address my own life issues and let my friends enjoy their own growth.

I found myself slipping into frustration today with a friend and after a little while, I was able to see that this DRAMA had nothing to do with me. I got frustrated because it became clear to me that someone else's drama affected plans I was looking forward to today. But after a few moments I realized I had no interest in letting my day become filled with anything short of the fun I wanted and if that meant having fun on my own then great! Bring it own. As it turned out I found time to chat with family members back home in Philly and it made the morning frustration fall to insignificance.

It is a little weird to realize just how much time I have spent helping friends with unneccessary DRAMA that they have made into a larger life event than was ever necessary. Often I got sucked in to the moment and now, I have absolutely no interest in it whatsoever. Now, I still care about my friends but in the end this is just a diversion from my own issues I am not addressing and/or it usually ends up being a wasted effort. Why, because  more times than not if you are drawing in drama on a regular basis, talking about it over and over just perpetuates the problem and allows you to not actually face your issues.

The more I switch to focusing on being happy, the easier it is becoming to see when drama is approaching and shift away!!