CRAP IS JUST CRAP, NO MATTER HOW YOU DRESS IT UP!!!

I am up late, watching In The Line of Fire. I see how almost effortlessly Clint Eastwood and John Malkovich create characters that are not just compelling but truly interesting to watch in their nuanced performances.I have miles to go before I reach that level but the journey will be worth the trip.

As I pass the sleepless hours away, it becomes clearer to me that all that I want will take some doing on my part to attain. I must dig deeper than I ever imagined to get there. As I work each day, I am aware of how challenging it is to get out of my own way. I have spent so much time believing I could never have what I want that so much of my work now is undoing the very thinking that has led me here. That is okay because I made the best choices I could at the time. The challenge now is to stop my own rationalizing my own crappy choices and make the better choice that will get me closer to what I want.

It sounds easier than it is because, let's face it, it is so much easier to lie to ourselves and say my biggest regret is not doing this or not doing that. But at what point do I stop my own self-delusion and make the tough choice to do the thing I want no matter how hard it is until eventually it is no longer hard to do? That is where the talk of 'The Secret" meets with the reality of living "The Secret" knowing that anything worth having is worth working for.

I am tired of D-R-A-M-A. Tired of hearing it from myself and tired of hearing it from my friends when it is usually just self-delusion created to be comfortable with not taking any risk at all. Is it really so hard to stop doing things that aren't helping you get where you want to go? No. But it is easier to simply stew in your own crap and blame everyone including yourself for not being strong enough. BORING!! 

Once you open your eyes, it is almost unbearable to listen to the crap over and over again. Why, because once your eyes are open and you've cleared the wax from your ears, it is way too obvious when you are hearing crap. When I hear my friends talking crap, I have decided to just remain silent because there is no amount of talking I can do to convince them they are choosing to stay stuck in their crap. And when they do realize I may be right when I point this out, there is nothing I can do to make them do what they usually have no interest in doing and that is changing. In the end, it is not my responsibility to try to change anyone. And I simply sound like a nag. They have their own journey to take and I have mine. As much as I love my friends, these efforts are a waste of time because they are distractions I am engaging in that keep me from working on eliminating my own crap.

Trust me, clearing my own crap is a full-time job all on its own.

Why am I ranting? Well, I no longer have my Marlboro Lights 100 to hide behind. So, I am now left to feel what I am feeling and come to terms with the fact that I know that I have spent so much time trying to be a "friend" to my friends that I haven't been much of a "friend" to myself. Is this being selfish? I guess but, it is time I start being selfish. I want the changes in my life to come sooner rather than later and that will require me to change in ways that have defined me up to this point. This is not to say I have been a martyr. On the contrary. I think, it has been my way of unconsciously giving myself permission to not focus on my path. I am walking my walk now but it is new territory and it is not always pleasant but I have to believe that living by example is the best thing I can do for myself and my friends. Otherwise I am talking the talk but not walking the walk.

Wow, who knew it is actually difficult to choose to be happy as often as possible? It is only in that it is hard not to be triggered by those around me who up to this point were just like me mirroring back to me the life I was creating for myself. But now that I want to change, that means I must walk through the negative thoughts flying toward me and within me that I didn't notice before or ignored with each puff of my chain-smoking habit.

AHHHHHH!!!!!! It is almost too much to deal with at times. I am a little lost without my crutch!! I must process what I am feeling and stop stuffing it away!!

I find it funny that over these last few weeks, as I am walking into this new territory of choosing to be happy, I have been fighting down a lingering chest cold that just won't go away. Call it symbolism but it is very much a reminder to me of the baggage I need to let go of that feels impossible to shake but must be shaken if I ever want to get to the other side.

This is good. Writing this out is in some way helping me to resist less and allow more joy to take root.  One day this will all be a funny memory I can look back on but until then, I will search for thoughts that are closer to where I want to be until I get there. The journey never ends, I'll never get it done but I can still choose to enjoy the journey as often as I can. It is all about the journey. It is all about the journey. How can I make the journey more fun? Just for today. All there is is today. The past is over. Tomorrow is not real. The only reality is the present moment. For this present moment, which is all we ever have anyway, I choose to be HAPPY!!!!!!!