Getting Grounded...

Here we go the adventure continues. I find myself hitting the rewind button but not sure how to press play. You know what I mean? I feel as if I have to set in place or put into action some staples into my day that will keep me grounded. I don't know what those staples are but I am gonna start trying things and see what motivates me.

I have always had a challenge with finding a meditation technique that works. That is becoming a top priority in my mind right now. If anything will help me stay balanced I know it will involve meditation.

Just got an email that I need to prepare a monologue for the next semester of my acting class so that will be a fun activity to dig into! Should I choose something new or revive a favorite and take it to a new level? What to do?!

Digging My Way Back to Happiness

As you can see it has been a little while since my last posting. Truth be told, I fell into something of a depression a few weeks back that just left me numb. I didn't want to talk to anyone or do anything. I felt in some weird way trapped in this neverending loop of sadness and negativity that I couldn't seem to shake. The sad thing is it all stemmed from a hurtful comment that a friend made to me out of the blue that apparently hit on a deep seated fear I held. I could not stop thinking about the comment.

Thankfully I reached a place where I was able to remember that I was choosing to feel what I was feeling and so I could choose to feel differently. Eventually I pulled myself out of it. However, what I learned from this unexpected trip to the dark side is that I have to work much harder to create the life I want for myself because let's face it, I have spent so many years believing I could not have what I want that the idea of living my dreams is not as firmly ingrained as the belief that I cannot succeed.

There was something safe and trouble free in the depression because it was familiar. Does that sound weird? Well, it is true. Assuming I could not suceed was a place I lived in for longer than I wanted to but I was use to it so it felt true and real when in fact it was only a choice I chose to believe in. Now the challenge is to hold on more firmly to the direction I want to be going in and not look back. I won't say it's my resolution for 2010 but it is my greatest challenge and focus for the new year.

I guess I realized that I am not use to being really really happy in my life and that is something I am determined to change. All of the thoughts I have expressed on this blog has been in keeping with where I want to be going and so I must remain vigilante, work the tools at my disposal and eventually life will bring me what I am focusing on. No one said this was going to be easy. But it can still be fun if I let it be.

I am learning so much about myself on this journey I am taking. I am happy with where I am and excited with what lies ahead. I welcome it with open arms!!

Blindsided

This weekend has been a big test for me. I received some news that had me racing back to the nearest liquor store for a pack of cigarettes. My favorite cousin, Jinx, was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. Strangely enough, this rare cancer has struck my family before, killing two of my mothers six sisters. I have to say the news has flooded me with a well of emotions I did not expect to have so strongly. Jinx has always been the cousin that I connected with almost immediately since childhood. She was a number of years older than me but we just connected spiritually. In my youth, my mother, sister and I would spend summers in Maryland visiting my Aunt B, her daughter Jinx and Jinx's family. I have so many childhood memories linked with Jinx that it seems inconceivable to imagine her not around.

It is times like this that makes you look more deeply at life and at those you love. I spoke with jinx last night and I am happy to say that she is facing this new challenge in her life with a sense of peace and inner strength I find inspiring.  Her years of meditation and spiritual exploration has prepared her to face this challenge with positivity and not defeat. She is embracing the power of laughter and joy to help her do her part to facilitate her healing in conjunction with her medical treatments. Apparently there are so few places equipped to treat this form of cancer that she has to go to John Hopkins who are able to help her.

I feel in many ways powerless to help but I will find some way physically or spiritually to help.  If it is possible to send loving energy to her I will do it.

I immediately ran to cigarettes. Not sure why it helped cope and now I see i have a lot more to do to deal with intense emotions especially when they come out of the blue. But, I will not waste any time beating myself up about having to start over again. I may fall a million times but I will never give up.

Life just keeps surprising.

I am a little off today so I think I will stop now and just feel what I am feeling.

Staying on Course, Keeping Inspired

After getting a good night's sleep it is great to be able to realize that with all of the frustration and resistance I was made aware of in my current experience, I see that I have the power to let go of that old limiting story and move into the new story of what is working for me.

Today is the last day of my first semester with my acting class. I have grown immensely in my craft and in my awareness of what new aspects of my craft I want to work on for next semester.

My awareness of the challenges in my life is evidence of my closer connection to my intuition. I know that I don't have to be affected by what others are going through but allow them to have their journey and reflect on what triggers feelings in me are areas where I can release resistance in my own life. I am excited to see what is yet to unfold knowing that I can never go back so I can embrace what arrives now with joy!

Below is a little inspiration just to help me stay on track with where I want to keep going.





It also doesn't hurt to look again at the clip of Will's Wisdom.

CRAP IS JUST CRAP, NO MATTER HOW YOU DRESS IT UP!!!

I am up late, watching In The Line of Fire. I see how almost effortlessly Clint Eastwood and John Malkovich create characters that are not just compelling but truly interesting to watch in their nuanced performances.I have miles to go before I reach that level but the journey will be worth the trip.

As I pass the sleepless hours away, it becomes clearer to me that all that I want will take some doing on my part to attain. I must dig deeper than I ever imagined to get there. As I work each day, I am aware of how challenging it is to get out of my own way. I have spent so much time believing I could never have what I want that so much of my work now is undoing the very thinking that has led me here. That is okay because I made the best choices I could at the time. The challenge now is to stop my own rationalizing my own crappy choices and make the better choice that will get me closer to what I want.

It sounds easier than it is because, let's face it, it is so much easier to lie to ourselves and say my biggest regret is not doing this or not doing that. But at what point do I stop my own self-delusion and make the tough choice to do the thing I want no matter how hard it is until eventually it is no longer hard to do? That is where the talk of 'The Secret" meets with the reality of living "The Secret" knowing that anything worth having is worth working for.

I am tired of D-R-A-M-A. Tired of hearing it from myself and tired of hearing it from my friends when it is usually just self-delusion created to be comfortable with not taking any risk at all. Is it really so hard to stop doing things that aren't helping you get where you want to go? No. But it is easier to simply stew in your own crap and blame everyone including yourself for not being strong enough. BORING!! 

Once you open your eyes, it is almost unbearable to listen to the crap over and over again. Why, because once your eyes are open and you've cleared the wax from your ears, it is way too obvious when you are hearing crap. When I hear my friends talking crap, I have decided to just remain silent because there is no amount of talking I can do to convince them they are choosing to stay stuck in their crap. And when they do realize I may be right when I point this out, there is nothing I can do to make them do what they usually have no interest in doing and that is changing. In the end, it is not my responsibility to try to change anyone. And I simply sound like a nag. They have their own journey to take and I have mine. As much as I love my friends, these efforts are a waste of time because they are distractions I am engaging in that keep me from working on eliminating my own crap.

Trust me, clearing my own crap is a full-time job all on its own.

Why am I ranting? Well, I no longer have my Marlboro Lights 100 to hide behind. So, I am now left to feel what I am feeling and come to terms with the fact that I know that I have spent so much time trying to be a "friend" to my friends that I haven't been much of a "friend" to myself. Is this being selfish? I guess but, it is time I start being selfish. I want the changes in my life to come sooner rather than later and that will require me to change in ways that have defined me up to this point. This is not to say I have been a martyr. On the contrary. I think, it has been my way of unconsciously giving myself permission to not focus on my path. I am walking my walk now but it is new territory and it is not always pleasant but I have to believe that living by example is the best thing I can do for myself and my friends. Otherwise I am talking the talk but not walking the walk.

Wow, who knew it is actually difficult to choose to be happy as often as possible? It is only in that it is hard not to be triggered by those around me who up to this point were just like me mirroring back to me the life I was creating for myself. But now that I want to change, that means I must walk through the negative thoughts flying toward me and within me that I didn't notice before or ignored with each puff of my chain-smoking habit.

AHHHHHH!!!!!! It is almost too much to deal with at times. I am a little lost without my crutch!! I must process what I am feeling and stop stuffing it away!!

I find it funny that over these last few weeks, as I am walking into this new territory of choosing to be happy, I have been fighting down a lingering chest cold that just won't go away. Call it symbolism but it is very much a reminder to me of the baggage I need to let go of that feels impossible to shake but must be shaken if I ever want to get to the other side.

This is good. Writing this out is in some way helping me to resist less and allow more joy to take root.  One day this will all be a funny memory I can look back on but until then, I will search for thoughts that are closer to where I want to be until I get there. The journey never ends, I'll never get it done but I can still choose to enjoy the journey as often as I can. It is all about the journey. It is all about the journey. How can I make the journey more fun? Just for today. All there is is today. The past is over. Tomorrow is not real. The only reality is the present moment. For this present moment, which is all we ever have anyway, I choose to be HAPPY!!!!!!!

Zone and The Art of Running in The Bicycle Lane

Thank God for the ZONE!! 

Today my marathon running training has reached 10 miles!! It is amazing that despite the chest congestion that had me in and out of consciousness - making a blur of the last 48 hours, I was able to get my ass out of bed and get to Griffith Park. The first five minutes of running were painful because everything felt out of whack. My chest hurt, my hands were ice cold, and it was chilly at 7:30 am. However, those five minutes passed and within 30 minutes I was comfortably in "The Zone" that magical place where everything feels GREAT and life has unlimited possibilities.

The Zone was needed this week because as I transitioned from day two to day three of my fabulous smoke-free life, my thoughts were reminding me of how much I used cigarettes to surpress negative thoughts and frustrations. As I lay in bed last night I found myself having mental arguments with people as if I were leaping into the future arguing about some comment or action I suspect they will do. It was quite creepy and showed me just how much anger I have been stuffing down. Luckily, I was able to shift my thinking but it was much more of a challenge fighting off all these negative thoughts. It was a nice wake up call that I need to be more deliberate in my thinking especially as I let go of my cigarette crutch...

I felt a bit of the negativity bug popping back up this morning as I tried to stay within the bicycle lane along Forest Lawn Drive. Then, I hit the zone,and it was as if life made a shift into "Happy Town."

Considering cigarette addiction is one of the hardest addictions to break, I am proud of myself and I am grateful that I have been able to get through these first three days without much drama. Who knows how the rest of the day will fair but I plan to be as kind to myself as possible. There is nothing more important to me today than that I have fun and be happy. Anything less is letting the cigarettes win. 

Surviving "DAY TWO"

It is Day Two and I can honestly say I have not thought about smoking and haven't had any cravings.
I am however, fighting back a chest cold that appearred seemingly out of nowhere.

Now Day One, was interesting. I cleared out my apartment of any signs of my former smoking self. Not a half smoked cigarette butt in the place. I woke up yesterday at 6 am and rushed myself over to the Bikram Yoga studio for their 7am class. The class was great and I felt as if I had worked out at the gym. The heat definitely helped me stretch out some very stiff muscles and joints. I left feeling like a million bucks. The class finished around 8:30 am and I was on top of the world!

I tried to connect with a friend to grab some breakfast but she didn't pick up. I thought I would change and go to the gym. But first I needed a little nap. Not a big fan of naps but my couch was callling.  Slowly I started to feel a little sore as if I already worked out so I decided to not overdue things. Later, I dropped off some letters at the post office and picked up a copy of the dvd "Away We Go." 

I became really a bit obssessed with sleep. I took another short nap before I snuggled under blankets and enjoyed the film.

Slowly I could feel that weird feverish feeling you get when you know some illness is lurking but not sure what it is for certain. I spent much of the hours between Thursday night and Friday morning in a semi-conscious daze with my chest feeling like crap. Eventually I slept and didn't wake til sometime around 12:30 or 1pm Friday afternoon.

I can only assume my body is reacting to my quitting smoking but I am not complaining. It is as if my body is giving itself a tune up. Normally even when I am sick my nicotine cravings are still strong. At this moment, I have no desire to smoke. My next real challenge is Sunday, when I have breakfast with a friend, not my Sunday Brunch friend- he had to cancel for this sunday. No this friend, she is a serious smoker and I am hoping she can refrain from smoking around me or at least not offer me cigarettes in case I find myself tempted. Either way I will be fine. I am committed to quitting. If I can't be around my smoking friends for a little while until I get more smoke-free time under my belt than I will adjust as needed. Whatever I need to do to remain smoke-free I will do it.

As far as mood swings go, I have been having moments of sudden and intense annoyance but it quickly disappears as quickly as it arose. I think the best thing about being in bed sick is I am getting thru my first 72 hours (apparently the worst period) with little interactions with those who might trigger me. I do feel a strange connection to my emotions right now but mixed with this overwhelming need to sleep has everything feeling blurry.
    

Taking a Deep Breath and Letting Go...

It is time to move into my truth and face my biggest challenge.

I firmly believe that this process of directing my thoughts and feelings in the direction I want rather than on what I don't want is the key to creating the life of my dreams. The challenge is that I have used cigarettes as a crutch to deal with the stress and fears in my life.

Now it has become clear to me that I must stop smoking and allow myself to feel FULLY what I am feeling. This is truly new territory because I feel things intensely especially when I am not smoking. I have faith that I will be able to navigate my way through this but it will definitely be a challenge. Many good friends of mine are smokers and I hope they can respect my desire to quit but if they don't that will not deter me. I want to do this and I need to do this for myself. I know that in doing this I will be jumpstarting my journey because I will be living fully every experience.  I have no judgement for anyone else who chooses to smoke. I just know for myself that if I want to live fully I must experience all of my emotions and not hide behind the cigarettes.     

I will definitely be relying on my running and gym workouts to get me through to the otherside.

Initially I planned on quitting when I went home for christmas. However, as the thought of quitting has been coming up for me quite frequently lately, I have no real reason why I don't just stop now. So, I will go to bed tonight and awaken to my first smoke-free day.

It seems odd that a wrapper of dried leaves should have such an impact on my day to day life. If I want to live in my truth I must walk in my truth. I have tried quitting so often it is ridiculous. But each time I started back was because I had a hard time feeling things so intensely. The hard truth is to embrace what life and Source has in store for me, I must actually embrace it and not hold to these dried leaves. They have become a symbol of my biggest fears. How can I continue using them when they keep me stuck?  In the end these dried leaves have no power other than that which I give them. I choose to channel the energy that will assuredly arise within me to breathing in as much joy and fun into my life and acting career as I can.



   

And The Winner Is...

You may have guessed, I did not get the job I auditioned for on Monday. The great thing is, I still feel like I was the winner. I think this was one of my best auditions. I did exactly what I wanted for the scene and they went with someone else. That is okay because I conquered that nervous energy that I have carried with me.

The biggest lesson for me is that I have the ability to control how I feel about any situation. Knowing that, I was able to accept when I started getting nervous and anxious and move to a better feeling place.

It's funny that if you feel you can't do anything about the feelings that rise up within you then you are a hostage to those emotions. This was my best audition because when I moved from being nervous to excited and hopeful, boy I felt so much more connected to the piece and the scene flowed so much better.

I look forward to future auditions and the opportunity to get further along in my journey as an actor.   

Another Eye Opener

This whole idea of being conscious of where you direct your thoughts and how you are feeling at any given moment is a very interesting concept to live by.

Yesterday, I got a call from my manager informing me of an audition set for Monday for an upcoming pilot. Almost instantaneously, I was aware of a flush of nervous energy sweep through my body. I couldn't tell you if this is something I always did but I was aware this time and it threw me for a loop.  After I got off the phone, I asked myself, what was that about? Instead of excitement at an upcoming audition, I went negative. Why? I immediately decided to reach for a better feeling emotion. I realized that if I have any chance of performing well at the audition, I needed to change my frame of mind right away.

Without focusing on the upcoming audition at all, I chose to put on some music I loved, and watch a few of the youtube clips of Abraham-Hicks which have always been able to put me into a positive frame of mind. Soon, I started to let go of my unexpected nerves and started to laugh and smile and feel good. Shortly, I was able to remember that I have been meditating, putting my focus daily on ways to improve as an actor and hoping to attract auditions for roles that were right for me.

As if a light bulb went off in my head, I thought why go to nervousness about this audition when it makes more sense to take on an attitude of gratitude that Source was sending me what I requested? In no time, it became easier to move to being hopeful about what lay ahead.

Gradually, I could see that like my changed view of my acting class, I had a wonderful new opportunity to change my view of auditions as well. Instead of succeed  or fail, I can look at this as an opportunity to do what I love... act. Instead of nervousness, I actually felt confident that I could find interesting acting choices I can make with whatever the scene will be. And my focus doesn't have to be about getting the job but about giving an interesting performance. The reality is, my performance is all that is within my power to control. In the end, by placing my focus on the joy of the work, I am automatically improving my odds of success. Focusing on stopping my unexpected nerves will only lead to a weaker performance.    

So, this upcoming audition, however it goes, will be a fun new adventure for me. If it isn't fun, then what's the point? I want my life to be about fun, expansion and joy in every aspect of my life, especially my career.   

Musical Inspiration...

Surfing youtube again and found a little musical inspiration like only Patti and Mariah can  deliver.

Je t'aime Paris!

Have I mentioned yet my lifelong love of all things French? It is true. I love the sound of the language, the sensual, sexy quality of its people, and the ever fascinating contributions to the world of cinema!

I, of course, studied French in high school. In college I initially was studying French and planning to spend a semester in Strasbourg. However, I had an encounter that literally led me to follow my intuition and switch universities to become a theater major. While I never regretted that choice, I always regretted never going to France to study for a semester and gain fluency in French.

It has now occurred to me that the only thing keeping me from going is ME. That being the case I am getting out of my own way. I plan to go to Paris in 2011 for a weekend, a week... I have no idea yet, but I am going! I'm choosing 2011 because I want to use the time to learn enough French to be able to get around on my own. Yes, I plan to go on my own. I want to see the Mona Lisa, visit the Eiffel Tower, rent an appartment in the Marais District and walk along the Seine. I am sure I could invite a friend along but I want to do this just for myself and allow myself to step outside of my comfort zone.

I think the biggest challenge will be to develop the discipline to study French everyday growing a little bit at a time until I can speak with confidence!  I need to make this fun because what's the point of doing this if it is not fun? Ideally, I'd like to be able to go see a movie completely in French and not need to read the subtitles!!! Who knows, I may even find romance in the City of Lights. It definitely would be useful to communicate as fully as possible. Otherwise things could get A-W-K-W-A-R-D! Haha!

No time like the present, I am gonna watch the film Je T'Aime Paris in the mood!!

Au Revoir!!         

Lesson From Class

Okay, I have to say last night's acting class was the best one yet! No, I did not nail the scene but I discovered something crucial that I can now work on. My choices were on target but I had a real challenge getting myself to the emotional level needed at the top of the scene to carry me through to the point of tears by the end. I had my emotions going but the tears just did not flow.

Why? Well, I had to step back and accept that I have been shutdown emotionally for quite some time and have done a lot of stuffing doen of my feelings to get through the day to the point it became my new normal. When I wasn't acting, I didn't really notice I was working with anger, happiness or numbness and not much more. I am so so thankful for this revelation because now I can do something about it. Last night was the last "working" class of my group until 2010 so I will definitely be using my downtime working on emotional recall and affective memory exercises to get myself back in shape emotionally speaking for my career. I look forward to getting to the place in my acting when all of my emotions are at my disposal!!

I must say, I don't think this happened by accident or coincidence. The more I am working on creating the life i want, the more life is providing me with opportunities to grow toward my goals without any d-r-a-m-a  mixed into the process. Life truly is great when you let it!!       

D-R-A-M-A...

What a weekend. My citrus-aloe vera infusion helped me to make an appearance at two Halloween parties this weekend but I could have used a few more quarts to get myself to run on Sunday morning in Griffith Park. Instead, I let my body do the talking and it wanted to sleep!

I would call this experiment a success just not a miracle!

I did learn something significant this weekend. As I am becoming more conscious of where my thoughts are leading me these days, I am also very aware of the fact that a number of my friends attract a lot of drama into their lives. My challenge is to not reflexively fall into the drama myself. In truth, I have had to acknowledge that if a number of my friends are swimming in drama, then clearly I have been swimming in that same "pool" since they are in my life. The good thing about being "Awake" to this is knowing I have the power to eliminate the unneccessary drama from my life. How? Well, by realizing that no matter how much I may want to help my friends, I have no power to save anyone from their own drama. It is their issue to wrestle through not mine. Mine is to address my own life issues and let my friends enjoy their own growth.

I found myself slipping into frustration today with a friend and after a little while, I was able to see that this DRAMA had nothing to do with me. I got frustrated because it became clear to me that someone else's drama affected plans I was looking forward to today. But after a few moments I realized I had no interest in letting my day become filled with anything short of the fun I wanted and if that meant having fun on my own then great! Bring it own. As it turned out I found time to chat with family members back home in Philly and it made the morning frustration fall to insignificance.

It is a little weird to realize just how much time I have spent helping friends with unneccessary DRAMA that they have made into a larger life event than was ever necessary. Often I got sucked in to the moment and now, I have absolutely no interest in it whatsoever. Now, I still care about my friends but in the end this is just a diversion from my own issues I am not addressing and/or it usually ends up being a wasted effort. Why, because  more times than not if you are drawing in drama on a regular basis, talking about it over and over just perpetuates the problem and allows you to not actually face your issues.

The more I switch to focusing on being happy, the easier it is becoming to see when drama is approaching and shift away!!

    

Time To Get Laughing!!!

My birthday gift packet was a great success! My friend loved it and I know the joy I had putting it together was what helped make it special!

Today, I am hoping to go with another friend to a pre-Halloween party tonight. My only obstacle is this growing cold that has been lurking in my chest. My plan is to laugh myself to health with as much laughter and fun I can squeeze in before I go, along with as much citrus fruit I can peel and blend with a bit of Aloe Vera juice for good measure! So this is a grand experiment in the power of humor and feeling good to get me into a better feeling place.

So far, it has been working! I started out feeling pretty crappy when I woke up. With my first citrus injection, things felt ok. Dropping off the gift and its warm reception was a boost. Now, it is time to kick things into gear.

Time to get laughing!!

Let The Money Flow...

I spent the afternoon running around searching for a gift for a friend's birthday on Halloween. I started thinking of getting a gift certificate and move on. However, when I got to the mall, I started to think what would I buy if I could just get what I wanted and not worry about whether or not I can afford it.

Just making that little change in my thinking turned my afternoon into a fun adventure. I quickly stopped thinking about myself and started to think what my friend might need. He is full of stress so I found myself at IKEA, Target, Bed Bath and Beyond, and Bath & Body Works picking up a basket full of goodies from cds to scented oils to scented bath washes and all the things I could find to help him create a spa like experience at home. I felt so excited and joyful today that that energy poured itself into this unexpected birthday gift basket. 

I felt like the richest man on the planet today and that feeling alone was worth everything!! Money flows when I allow it to flow in and out. Life is good!!!     

Practice, Practice, Practice

Last night I went to my Tuesday night acting class. I was working on a scene that has been a challenge for everyone. I decided that I am going to change my approach to my work and enjoy the process. I didn't nail the scene as I had hoped but I found that changing my approach allowed me the opportunity to learn so much more from my work than I have in the past. Usually, I come home either feeling elated or deflated. Last night, however, there was no need for deflation because, after all, I am living the life I want to be living. Why waste a moment beating myself up for "failing" when I can use it to learn and grow?

To say this is a "victory" is an understatement. Realizing that I am moving toward my goals with every opportunity to learn and grow is the best tool I could add to my arsenal. Moving from frustration to contentment is a nice shift; and with contentment as my new "base," my chances of moving from contentment to elation on a more regular basis is something to look forward to.       

Staying Open for the "Hmm..." As Well As The "Wow!"

I had a mellow relaxing day today. I thought, well I'll skip writing on this blog today, as I don't want to write just to write. So, I took a look at what I did experience today. There were no WOW moments clammering in my head.  I found that i did have recurring moments of negative thoughts coming up and they led me to ask myself what are these thoughts about? In turn I was able to see that I have some resistance to where I am with my acting career. I have been having a slow period and not sure what I needed to do to get things going.

These questions and resulting thoughts led me back to listening to the Abraham-Hicks youtube clips, as they have helped me slip into a place of non-resistance. The attached clip really spoke to me.

As I proceed through the remainder of the day and prepare for my acting class tomorrow, I have come to the realization that I want to bring more joy to my acting process. I want to see my acting experiences and career as a joyful journey and not a "success or fail" gamble.  I want to be in the now and allow myself to enjoy the moment when I am acting and realize the "am I getting this right" mantra that has been a part of my process up to this moment and that is okay because that is where I am. However, as I have the ability to choose where I place my thoughts, why not choose what I want rather than re-tell the story of how I am not getting what i want. What I choose now is to try something different, tell a new story of my acting career and feel good as I do it.

    

When You Change The Way You Look At Things, The Things You Look At Change

Wayne Dyer made this statement in his PBS seminar on The Power of Intention. I am starting to get it.

Today was a FULL day. My days are become fuller than ever before now that I am consciously working on being aware of where I am directing my thoughts. 

I started with my Sunday long run as part of my marathon training. I had a wonderful time with one of my running buddies. We jogged and had a nice discussion about the power of choosing to be positive and letting go of negative thought patterns when they arise.

It was funny, because I told her I had another epiphany as I went to sleep. I was listening to an Abraham-Hicks youtube clip about the need to change one's story if life is not giving you what you want. I listened but didn't make the connection in my own life until I started to drift off. Like a flash I saw that I have been living my old story of Johnny's death and its impact on my life. It dawned on me that the writing of my story about Johnny was an opportunity to let that story go and move forward from this moment and start telling a new story of the life I want to live. Wow.

The morning discussion was so uplifting. The chat lasted a while until we could no longer waste precious oxygen on conversation.

That is when I decided to use my quiet time to have a mental rampage of postive thoughts. I just allowed myselfto imagine how wonderful it would be if I had this or traveled there or allowed that to happen in my life. Just like it did two days earlier on the treadmill, I found myself running farther, gaining strength and feeling so amazingly happy, I could not believe I was running close to 7 miles! It is going to be a fun journey to 26.2 miles but I think I have found a valuable tool.

When I got home at 9:30 am I had to get ready for my West Hollywood brunch with my friend. That was a challenging opportunity to choose to not care what other people say to or about you even when they are trying to trigger you. My friend seemed to be in rare form with an endless stream of sarcasm, negativity or outright rudeness. I found myself having to practice very hard the art of non-resistance. When I could allow myself to see his one-man show was just that, I could see it had nothing to do with me. The only problem was I hadn't reached that place where it didn't completely affect me. However, I had been able to lose the anger and moved to the lighter level of frustration. That is progress. As much as my friend frustrates me, I accept that he is probably my greatest life teacher, shining a bright spotlight on the issues I need to overcome. He may single-handedly show me they way to mastering the direction of my thoughts.

By the time I got home, I turned on the tv to see Wayne Dyer who seemed to be the Source's vehicle to communicate with me. It was a little startling to be watching tv and the man on the screen seems almost to be talking directly to how i was feeling at that very moment. I snapped up and realized that Inner Guidance is real and can come to you when you open yourself up to hear it.

I ended my day's activity with a coaching gig. The beauty of that gig was that I was spending the day before working on loosening my resistance around allowing more money to flow into my life. Lo and behold, a call comes with a guy asking for my coaching assistance! Life is great and the money is flowing!

I can only say that today was an example of the power of one's thoughts and value of living consciously. I feel like I have been asleep for a decade. It is so could to be awake!

Allowing Myself to FEEL My Way to Where I Want To Go

I have been listening to a number of youtube clips of Abraham-Hicks workshops. The experience has been a wonderful example of when the student is ready the teacher will come. I have been discovering that as I am more consciously aware of how I am feeling at every moment, rather than unconsciously responding to what is coming at me in my daily life, then my life is FEELING so much more vibrant. When I am finding myself feeling negative, aware that I always have a choice, I am actually having fun moving myself to a  less negative place gradually until I am able to feel my way into a more positive space.

Deciding that I want to live as joyfully as possible everyday led me to these youtube clips, which gave me tools to actually work and live fully this way in time.  It is exciting, mainly because it feels so liberating to realize that I no longer have to remain stuck in my negativity. In the past, I found myself constantly slipping into anger or frustration or fear. My solution was to ignore the feeling and put a happy face on it. But that is not the same as realizing you have a choice in how you feel because the negative thoughts and feelings seemed like they were my reality and the happy face cover was just that a cover.

Now, my journey with these new tools I am applying is amazing, in that the reverse has now become my reality. I can see that the frustration, anger, and fear are just me disconnecting myself from the joyful flow of life that I am meant to be living daily.   

Learning As I Go Along

To say that I am getting exactly what I asked for is an understatement. The funny thing is that it is such a new experience, that it is as if the Universe is providing me with moments of awareness that I have a choice to respond differently to situations that normally would have sent me spirally into negativity.

After reading the few articles I have found of the seven laws of the Universe it was amazing how the application of them started to become clearer to me throughout most of yesterday. One could have called yesterday, for me, one long exercise in patience or my first conscious day long marathon "study session" of the Seven Universal Laws.

The day started with my continuing the previous day's packing up of food, clothing, and various books, etc for my donation to the San Fernando Rescue Mission. I was required to stay home because I was told in my reminder call yesterday morning that the truck would come by any time between 8 am and 5 pm. Yes, I dragged my butt up early to keep going. It was a lot of fun feeling I was helping out some other families with my stuff while clearing out my closet to make room for more good to enter my own life.  Well, I got a lot of cleaning done with quite a bit more to do. I compiled about 5 boxes worth of donation material. Not bad.

I piled the boxes outside my apartment door.

This is good... Oh, wait... it is 4:35pm.  Hmm, the truck hasn't gotten here yet? Let me call.

The driver is not picking up his phone when dispatch tries calling. As the woman on the other end of the phone gave this explanation, I felt this urge to let the "Bitch Within" rage against the world for having me not leave my home so I could make this donation and then not have them pick up the donation. As I started to speak almost reflexively in "bitch talk" I stopped myself and actually heard in the woman that she was already sounding embarrassed already that the driver didn't show up. And for whatever satisfaction I would derive from screaming at her, what would be the point?.

This is not the first day I didn't leave the house before 5 pm. The fact is I actually had a great morning and afternoon cleaning, sorting, and enjoying the whole donation process as I listened to hours of  podcasts of "Calling Long Distance" on my computer. I was not numbing myself with the television. I was having fun in the simplest of ways and with one phone call I was almost ready to jump back into a negative vibe for no good reason at all. Thankfully, I just hung up and went back to continue my enjoyment.

But wait... The day was not over yet.  Evening approached when I received a call from my best friend, YES, the friend who was so negative in my acting class on Tuesday. Well, he was in a bit of a mood and complained about a variety of things, rambled a bit about class again and then he made a suggestion. Why don't we start having brunch every Sunday in West Hollywood so we can put ourselves out there and connect more with the gay community.

Wow. Hmm, okay...

I did like the idea but I suggested we start with two Sundays out of the month instead of every Sunday. For one thing, I do my Sunday big run with my two marathon buddies and did not want to compromise the fun I have been having with that experience. Also, I was not sure I wanted to deal with potential drama EVERY Sunday. His response was to tell me that one thing that always frustrated and annoyed him about me was that considering I was one of his few gay friends that I was not willing to go do things with him in West Hollywood.

WOW! Is this guy for real?

In addition, we both needed to get out of the house and find a man before it was too late.
EXCUSE ME?! 

Immediately, this went from a nice idea I was open to, to D-R-A-M-A! I stopped him and pointed out his amazing ability to take a positive fun idea and make it as negative as humanly possible. I let him know that I am not responsible for his lack of gay friends and that attempting to lay a guilt trip on me about frustrations he is having as a means of convincing me to commit to a weekly lunch date is ABSURD. I unconsciously slipped into the "Bitch mode" I refrained from earlier and let him know that he needed to get a grip on his negativity and stop making everyone else suffer for his own unhappiness. He did finally stop trying to defend himself and admitted he needed to deal with his issues.

We settled the conversation with agreeing to have brunch every other Sunday starting on the 25th and will move to lunches when the distance of my Sunday trainings increase to the longer runs.

What was that conversation but a major series of opportunities to see where I am in my journey and how many choices I have on how I need to respond  to things. When I hung up I was so aware that instead of being strong in my positive state I allowed myself to slip into sync with his negative vibe. I became aware that my friend sees me as this nice but pathetic gay man who barely leaves his house to enjoy life unless it is with him so unless I am with him I must be sitting at home. Instead of being able to stay in a place of peace knowing that I actually do go out with other friends and be social, his image of me and the idea of being alone for the rest of my life hit a nerve that had me seeing red.

I saw in retrospect that I could have pointed out everything I needed to point out to him without going to a place of negativity. That will come in time but this is where I am now and that is fine. It's all about the journey.

Upon hanging up the phone I thought I would vent on my blog and lo and behold  the website was down. This is when I was able to snap myself out of my anger. I was so pissed off from this nagging feeling I held onto from the phone call that when I couldn't vent I shouted,

WHAT THE HELL!!!l????

Then I started to recall the seven laws, particlaurly the law of rhythm and said to myself,

okay... let's swing ourselves into a better vibration here.

This is how I am feeling now but I can swing toward a better mood by watching something empowering.

I started surfing the web and ran across a string of youtube clips involving Abraham-Hicks and it was like taking an injection of morphene. I could very slowly feel my energy shifting to a place of peace. I watched as many clips as I could find until I literally felt so joyful, I was able to see the previous conversation as a lesson for myself on how to be more self aware of what I am choosing to feel.

My friend is clearly a mirror in some way of the negativity I am carrying around within myself. When I am able to truly not be affected by my friend's negativity and see it as his issue and not a trigger for my own, that will be a wonderful day indeed.

The journey continues...more joyfully each day, than the day before!!!                           

I think I am going to head to the gym and have some fun!

STUDYING THE UNIVERSE

In my exploration of this newly ignited interest applying the Law of Attraction to my life, I have run across on various websites, explanations of the Seven Universal, or Cosmic or Natural Laws that affects all people and all things without exception. So, if I am applying one Law into my life it makes sense I work with them all.

With that in mine I have decided to post this to keep them a more present part of my awareness. I think I want to become more of a student of the Universe and start flowing "downstream" instead of struggling to swim upstream against the currents of life. I am SO ready to start creating "new stories" and let the old ones go for good!  

SEVEN LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE:

1. The Law of Perpetual Transmutation


Energy moves into physical form.

The images you hold in your mind most often materialize in results in your life.



2. The Law of Relativity

Nothing is good or bad, big or small… until you RELATE it to something else.

Practice relating your situation to something much worse and yours will always look good.



3. The Law of Vibration (The basis of The Law of Attraction)

Everything vibrates, nothing rests.

Conscious awareness of vibration is called feeling. Your thoughts control your paradigms (your perception of yourself) and your vibration (which dictates what you attract).

When you are not feeling good, become aware of what you are thinking, and then think of something pleasant.



4. The Law of Polarity

Everything has an opposite: Hot-Cold…Up-Down…Good-Bad…Inside-Outside.

Constantly look for the good in people and situations. When you find it, tell the person. People love compliments and the positive idea in your mind makes you feel good. Remember, good idea-good vibration.



5. The Law of Rhythm

The tide goes out…night follows day…good times-bad times.

When you are on a down swing, do not feel bad. Know the swing will change and things will get better. There are good times coming - think of them.



6. The Law of Cause and Effect

Whatever you send into the Universe comes back. Action…re-action are equal and opposite.

Say good things to everyone; treat everyone with total respect and it will all come back. Never worry about what you are going to get, just concentrate on what you can give.



7. The Law of Gender

Every seed has a gestation or incubation period. Ideas are spiritual seeds and will move into form or physical results.

Your goals will manifest when the time is right. Know they will.

Standing in My Truth, Living in My Clutter

It has been barely 24 hours since I constructed and posted my Mission statement, but it is working its magic already! 

So, picture me walking about my appartment, memorizing my mission statement so I can say it aloud anywhere at any time until it is so rooted into my subconscious it cannot help but manifest! I felt great! I was feeling so pumped! Suddenly, I bump into my ironing board which was still set up in the middle of my living room for so long I used it as a countertop for anything and everything imaginable. As the iron, luckily unplugged, went tumbling to the floor, I had a MOMENT... I looked around, still a little pumped up from my mission statement and I saw my apartment as if for the first time. It was A MESS! Old water bottles, I swore I would recycle held hands with discarded matchbooks and cigarette boxes long empty of my nicotine nightmare sticks. My closet was cramped with so much of the junk I have not seemed to be able to part with yet rarely use, including clothes I should have gotten rid of a long time ago.

I have been LIVING A CLUTTERED LIFE and my apartment was a testament to that.

As the Universe would have it, I was suddenly reminded of the random call I received from the San Fernando Valley Rescue Mission. A lady called "at random" folks to see if they had anything they wanted to donate when their truck came into our neighborhood on Thursday. I said sure, but I proceeded to forget all about it. Until today.  I have to say, whether I was consciously thinking of this or not when I wrote my mission statement, the Universe has provided me with an opportunity to embrace "helping others as well as myself" by donating some food and clothes from my cramped closet. It seems like a "Win, Win" to me.

I suppose, the task of de-cluttering my life and apartment can be, instead of a drama, an opportunity to be of service. Who knew?   One thing is for sure. The changes I need to make as the newly appointed CEO Of My Own Life are literally falling at my feet like that iron of mine.

What else is there to do but ride this wave of self-discovery and have as much fun as possible along the way?

Time to get to work on my closet!

Life Continues On With Or Without You

If my posts over the last few days has given the idea that I am now residing in a lala land of feel good affirmations assuming life is now devoid of negativity let me clear that up right now. Let me tell you I am only too aware that life continues on now matter how many epiphanies I may have or how positive my outlook has become.

Last night I attended my Tuesday night acting group. We work on scenes to keep our skills sharp for film and television auditions. The work is put on tape for us to give one another feedback. Well, last night my work SUCKED!! Truth be told I did not put the work into my prep during the week and it showed. I get that. However, a classmate, who came to class late, did not perform himself but proceeded to "nail me to the cross" so to speak with the most hostile attack I have ever received in class without really giving feedback that would be deemed very useful. I started to get pissed, then in the back of my head I said "STOP."  This has nothing to do with you. This is all about him.

As the Universe would have it, earlier in the day I was browsing thru my favorite used bookstore, called The Illiad.  While I didn't buy anything, I did pick up the book entitled The Four Agreements.  I just happened to read a section that talked about not ever being upset by anything other people say to you because it is usually not about you at all, it is about them. I put the book back on the shelf and did not think about it again until the nails started being hammered in class last night.

Now, because I believe everything happens for a reason, I look on my spur of the moment trip to The Illiad  and my seemingly random picking up and reading of that passage, the work of my Inner Guidance preparing me for what lay ahead. Was my experience this fabulous joyful journey of bliss? Umm... no. But as this classmate continued to spread his negativity to my other classmates throughtout the night, it was a confirmation for me that my Inner guidance was right. It had nothing to do with me at all.

Why is this significant at all? Well, I am aware, that with my former companion - fear, came a pretty negative view of life. So is it any surprise that I have attracted friends and colleagues into my life who carry their own fair share of negativity within them? Oh, did I mention that the classmate who verbally arttacked me in class is in fact my closest friend in the world? Yeah, think about that one. hahah.

However, what I am getting from this new "CEO Of My Own Life" approach are the tools and the opportunities to make different choices in how I respond to the perceived negativity I am certain to encounter in my daily life. 

This, in a very concrete way, has given me a new sense of inner power to make conscious choices in my life. When class was over, I took the time to speak to my friend who knew he had pissed off every single person in the class. So, I let him know that I knew his bad attitude had nothing to do with me. I actually challenged him to look at why he feels he has the right to infect the class with his negativity when clearly we were not the cause of what was bothering him. It was so liberating to make the conscious choice to see things with a new clarity rather than allow myself to slip into old triggers that set my fears on fire! Progress, indeed. 

So rest assured, I get it. Life is what it is and I am not looking to change anyone but myself. I simply want to live my life my way and no longer be the "victim of circumstance" I chose to be in the past.  If my journey provides even an ounce of inspiration to others, all the better!

Come hell or high water, I will continue to build my new life, one brick at a time.

Peace.

MY MISSION

"My new mantra, my personal mission in life is:

To TRUST my intuition and inner guidance which will provide meaning, purpose and direction in my life. In turn, this will bestow me with the wisdom and courage needed to stand in my truth, live my beliefs and become the AMAZING ACADEMY AWARD WINNING ACTOR, ACCOMPLISHED WRITER, COMMITTED PARTNER, PASSIONATE LOVER, LOYAL FRIEND, DEDICATED SON, SUPPORTIVE BROTHER, INSPIRATIONAL UNCLE, and PROSPEROUS CEO OF MY OWN LIFE that I was meant to be!


I have decided WHO I want to be, WHAT I want to do, and I am simply going to MAKE IT HAPPEN, period.

I am COMMITTED to confidently live each day with UNWAVERING PASSION, IMMENSE LOVE, DOGGED DETERMINATION and AN UNSHAKEABLE FAITH in myself, my own unique greatness, and my unquestioned unity with all things in the Universe so that I am living the most OUTLANDISHLY ABUNDANT, SUCCESSFUL, PROSPEROUS and BLESSED LIFE IMAGINABLE while still making a positive difference in people’s lives. I will do this by spending time daily FOCUSED LIKE A LASER on improving my life in some way, embracing opportunities to help others as well as myself, and by striving to live as JOYFULLY as possible in the process."

A Little Inspiration: One Brick At A Time...

While taking a break from the initial research and construction of my life's new "business" plan, I found a little inspiration that I wanted to share and have available for motivation as I move forward.

Someone named themindguru on youtube put together a fabulous compilation of clips from a variety of interviews of Will Smith discussing his personal philosophy about life and how he motivates himself.

I'll be looking at this one quite a few times, I am sure, whenever I want a little extra motivation!

Hey, NO ONE can question that his philosphy has been working for him! 

Expanding The Vision of Myself

I started this blog as a tangible way of holding myself accountable. I know that if I make time to write about my progress in creating a more interesting life, I will be helping myself stay in a "space" of improvement.

So far, the result has been an increased awareness of when I am slipping into negative self-talk and the ability to stop myself in the middle of negative emission and shifting into a more positive frame of mind. I was a bit shocked just how easy it was to slip into negativity. However, making the shift into a positive vibe has not been as difficult to do. The awareness that I choose every situation that enters into my experience, makes it almost a no brainer that I must be more conscious of the thoughts I am entertaining.

As I have been in this place of self-reflection, it seems to me that I need to start looking at not just the thoughts I am entertaining. I actively must choose where I want my thinking to be focused. In the past I have had a general idea of wanting to be prosperous and successful. However, my goal for this week is to get specific about what I want and expand the vision I have of myself in all areas of my life.

What's that saying? "Those who fail to plan, plan to fail."

Yes, I am feeling a surge of intimidation coming up... (Gulp!)

Alright, take a breath...

Ahhh..... This is good.

I am deciding right now to embrace the excitement of this new endeavor. I think I will approach this as if I am the newly appointed CEO of my life.

The success of this new business called "MY LIFE" needs a business plan, a mission statement and a motivated staff. In my first official act as CEO I am immediately hiring  Me, Myself and I along with the amazingly talented workaholic, Mr. Subconscious Mind.  Wow, I guess this is very do-able, especially with four willing staffers!!  Haha!

You know, this process is really fun!

I am TRULY GRATEFUL that as I am allowing the Universe to be my guide, I am finding all sorts of wonderfully imaginative solutions popping into my experience.

I never considered myself  a businessman. I worked under the premise I was more the artistic type. However, with the artistic model comes the concept of the "starving artist." I think unconsciously I have been living that model. Even when I was working the old 9to5 I seemed to always be just making ends meet no matter how many raises I received. Why is that? It has to be linked to some self-concept I internalized as "my reality of poverty."

I say it is time for a reality-check! Good-bye starving artist! HELLO, successful CEO!!

Man, I already feel my stock price starting to soar!! YES!!

I just want to send it out to the Universe that I am OPEN to receiving an AVALANCHE of PROSPERITY, SUCCESS, CREATIVITY and JOY into my life, NOW!!

Well, no time like the present. Time to get my business plan down on paper!

  

 

Walking In A Sea of Happiness or Letting The Universe Be My Guide

Life is great when you let it!

This morning I got myself up at 6:00 a.m., shaved, showered and enjoyed the best chocolate croissant on the planet, courtesy of my favorite bakery, Portos, a Cuban bakery located at the corner of Hollywood  Way and Magnolia Blvd. in Burbank. If you are a coffee lover you must try their dulche de leche latte. It is definitely worth the trip. But I digress.

So, as planned, I jumped in my car and headed to West Hollywood to do the APLA AIDSWalk. Normally, I take the subway and a bus to avoid dealing with the massive traffic and limited parking that usually accompanies thousands of Los Angelenos attending this annual event. However, I was dragging a bit this morning. Nevertheless, having recently watched my dvd of The Secret, I decided to test out the Law of Attraction and drive to West Hollywood and expect to find a parking space.  I drove to WeHo and the street I always go to to park when visiting "Boys Town." Generally, it is hit or miss whether I find a parking spot. Today, especially, my prospects were not looking good. With traffic backed up due to street closures for the walk, I made my way to "my street" holding on to the thought that I was simply going to find a parking space without a problem. Lo and behold, I turned the corner and a spot was just waiting for me to park in. I could not stop smiling. The Secret works! haha.  It pays to start living your beliefs.

Well, I made my way to the event area at Plummer Park only to discover that the team from my old 9to5 was nowhere to be found. When I worked at the old 9to5 , every year I was the team captain and made the arrangements, making sure we had at least 20 team members registered so we could have a team table to meet at in the morning. My old co-workers said they'd keep the tradition going but unfortunately, if the team was there I could not find them amid the thousands of Los Angelenos present.

Okay, plans change. I started to get annoyed but it occurred to me that everything happens for a reason. With that in mind, I thought well, what is this about? I guess I need some time with my own thoughts. It turned out I had a really great time walking alone. It is pretty difficult to not be in a good mood when you are surrounded my thousands of happy people walking for a cause they believe in. We were all being cheered, every few feet by young volunteers whose job was to smile and scream "WHOO HOO, you're GREAT! Thanks for coming!!!" as they handed us fruit and energy drinks to keep us going. I just took it all in. There were teams from almost every high school, college and gay fraternity/sorority in LA chanting, laughing and spreading good vibes.  Even the annual gathering of four or five old men  with a megaphone and banners screaming we were all going to hell for being gay was amusing as no one could take them seriously. We all just felt so happy. There was, as always, the WeHo cheerleaders sweating in their wigs and make up cheering and posing for photos while another set of cheerleaders could be seen flying in the air en masse as cheerleaders do, all as a way of thanking participants for raising money and coming out to walk. I tell you, how anyone could be in a bad mood is beyond me.

A few hours later, I reached the finish line and it dawned on me that this was a nice test run for my March marathon extravaganza! In fact, today's 6.2 mile walk is roughly 1/4 of the territory I will have to cover not to mention the actual running up and down the hilly LA streets. The very thought of it exhausted me. Immediately, I became aware of how sore my feet were feeling and how much training I will need to be squeezing into the next five months. Whoo hoo! I really must be crazy! haha.

All in all it was a wonderful way to spend my morning. As a capper, I  met up with a good friend of mine, Larissa. We met up for, yes, the best lunch of my life at Hugo's restaurant on Santa Monica Blvd. I could have eaten cardboard and loved it, I was so hungry, so going to a health-conscious eatery tasted all the better. We were joined by Larissa's friend, Najia, who as it so happens also signed up to do the LA Marathon as well.

I could not have asked for a nicer end to the walk.  I even got to do a little celebrity sighting as we dined across from Robert Gant of "Queer As Folk" fame who had the same idea after completing the walk-a-thon.

Of course, I could not imagine taking my butt home and flopping on the couch for a long sleep when I had the inspired idea to go to Amoeba Records! If you love used book stores, this is the record/dvd version of that fabulous magical world. Amoeba is my favorite place to go for foreign films, gay films and music from around the world at a discount price! Amoeba Records is located at the intersection of Sunset and Cahuenga Blvds., next to the Arclight Theaters.  As I am a movie guy, I have not explored the main floor's wealth of  music cds and vinyl records. But, I have it on my to-do list as I promised myself I would expand my knowledge of Joni Mitchell.

The plan was to show some love to Robert Gant and pick up a suspense movie he starred in with Shannon Doherty. I saw the trailer for it when I watched the latest Donald Strachey Mystery made into a movie starring Chad Allen. Yes, something in me finds it important to support gay themed films and artists even if it requires me to lower my artistic expectations a bit. The trade-off is the immense joy that is gained from seeing gay themes, gay characters and gay actors increasing the diversity of the cinematic landscape. Love it!! Unfortunately, after all this gay activism welling up inside of me, I could not for the life of me remember the name of the Robert Gant film. Haha!

Undeterred, I switched channels and decided to feed my love of French cinema with the choice of "The Class" or "entre les murs." It is suppose to be a compelling look at modern life in Paris. How can I go wrong?

The theme of the day has clearly become letting the Universe be my guide.  That said, I anticipate a fabulous film-going experience as soon as I log off this blog.       

(Okay. I don't plan on adding a clip or link with every blog entry but as I am learning new things as I go with this blogging thing,  I can't resist adding a clip of the trailer to "On The Other Hand Death, A Donald Strachey Mystery" which I watched Friday night. I love mysteries and I love gay themed movies so this series of films is bound to find its way into my library. Enjoy.)

26.2 Miles Toward A Brand New Me!

So, as the adventure of my new life gets underway, I decided to christen it with a nice long run through Los Angeles. What better way to do that then to sign up for the 2010 L.A. Marathon? Yes, on March 21, 2010 I will be joining the masses from around the world who will be converging on Dodger's Stadium to trek our way to Santa Monica Beach. The course so far seems amazing. From Dodger's Staium we'll run through Hollywood, West Hollywood, Beverly Hills, Westwood, Brentwood, Pacific Palisades and finally make our way to the beach. What a route!

It may sound crazy but I am craving a little crazy and it is the best way I can imagine to shake off the old  baggage (both mental & physical) and get myself into shape. It also will be my incentive program for saying good-bye to years of cigarette smoking once and for all. Truth be told, that is a bigger challenge than the 26.2 miles could ever be.

In my continual journey of self-reflection, I can no longer rationalize how I can ever hope to leave my old companion, Fear, behind me if I am continually buffing away on a pack-a-day of Marboro Lights 100. I know I smoke to suppress my emotions and to get through stressful situations. The question is how can I let them go?

My answer? Run. Run. Run.

I am currently on my third week of progressive training, running a little bit everyday with longer runs on the weekend.  The smartest thing I have done so far is to talk two friends of mine into running with me on Sunday mornings through Griffith Park. They haven't committed yet to do the marathon with me but with each passing Sunday we all feel so good from the runs that it is only a matter of time before they sign up.

This Sunday will be the first week I won't be waking up at 6:00 a.m. for my Griffith Park rendez-vous. Instead, I will be walking with friends from my old 9to5 in the APLA AIDSWalk: Los Angeles Fundraiser/Walk-a-thon. So, I am not really cheating since I will be trekking my butt down Melrose Ave. and Beverly Blvd. for a good 10K sweat.

I am actually pretty excited about the whole idea of doing this marathon. Not only will I get to see the city from a different perspective, it is such a daunting task with months to plan that I can use this time to get myself into the sexy, rock hard shape I have always wanted to create for myself. YES! Dreaming big is the only way to go! Amazingly enough, I have enjoyed running so much so far that I have started to smoke less and get my butt to the gym on a regular basis. Trust me this has been no small feat, as I have had a natural aversion to weight-lifting in the past. However, it is a new day and working out is actually something I am growing to love! 

The sexy, confident new me is slowly taking shape!

March 21st is the goal! Keep a good thought for me!
       

Life's Illusions...

I love music. But I must confess I never was one of those people who got into knowing the artist involved or listening to the words and allowing it to touch me. I mean occaisionally that happens but usually I get into the rhythm and allowing it to take me on the journey my body wants to go on.

One of my new pathways to adventure is to do just that, find an artist or a song and just listen to what the artist is trying to say and what it is saying to me. I have come to realize that music can, like seeing a really good play or film, speak to you over time, as you grow and the artist grows. I had that experience with the song below. "Both Sides Now" sung by Joni Mitchell. I confess, I have heard of the woman but I know nothing about her at all. I know she is an icon but never bothered to discover why.

So, a friend sent me a youtube clip of her singing this song at a concert in 2000. The song really affected me. I later went on youtube and found a clip of Joni Mitchell singing this same song back in the early 60's.  I immediately could hear the growth she has made as an artist and whatever life experience she brought to her 2000 interpretation spoke to a deeper part of me than I expected.  Check out this version from 2000 and see if it speaks to you.