Making It Through The Rain...

Well, it is another year I am unable to go home for Christmas. This time it is for a good cause. I will be going home in June for my nephew Zen's high school graduation. In the grand scheme of things that is more important to me and my family, but it doesn't make missing my family during the holidays any less emotional. It is the holidays after all.:)

It is times like this when I am having to make choices for financial reasons that I have my moment of questioning why I am doing this acting thing. The truth... I could not be happy if I did anything else.

I accepted recently however that I have been in a holding pattern in the struggling artist chapter of my life way too long. It is time to turn the page and start writing a new attitude toward my career and my life.

During a self-analysis exercise in my 12 week acting class, I discovered that while I have for years wanted to be an actor, I never actually BELIEVED it would happen for me. It is not that I openly thought that, but it was one of those lurking negative thoughts you hold in the back of your mind and mumble under your breath at moments of disappointment. The exercise allowed me to hear it and it was a bit of a shock. However, in the acknowledgement of this secret thought, I put light to it and gave myself something tangible to work on so I can eventually eliminate it from my life. If I don't believe in my own success, in whatever area of my life, who else will? I know now I will make it through the rain and I am strong enough to create the life I want for myself! It will take whatever time it takes but I will make the changes I need to make so I can enjoy this journey more than I have allowed myself in the past. Embracing the fact that there is no other career that will bring me the joy acting does, why not go for it? Fear be damned! I will make it!! I love acting more than anything else in my life. It is time to believe and allow myself to spread my wings and fly as high as I can imagine!

Go Forward With Courage

So, my temp work was extended an additional 2 weeks so I will wrap things up this Friday just before the Christmas holiday. It all worked out since I am not going home this year so I can travel back in June for my nephew's high school graduation. Such is the price of living on a budget.

As I near the end of this chapter in my "story" I am embracing the return to acting full-time. I just wrapped up the 12 week acting auditioning course and I am feeling empowered to move forward with more confidence than I had before.

Last night I watched the new film "The Artist" about a silent film star dealing with the changes as the industry transitioned to "talkies". It was a stylish tribute to silent films and it resonated for me on many levels.

The Universe speaks to us in strange ways. I'm open to listening and seeing where it takes me.

Today, I have found myself drawn to some Native American prayers and sayings which have touched my spirit and I hope will give me strength for whatever lies ahead.

Go Forward With Courage

When you are in doubt, be still, and wait;
when doubt no longer exists for you, then go forward with courage.
So long as mists envelop you, be still;
be still until the sunlight pours through and dispels the mists
-- as it surely will.
Then act with courage.


***

When you were born, you cried
and the world rejoiced.
Live your life
so that when you die,
the world cries and you rejoice.

White Elk

***




Lakota Prayer

Wakan Tanka, Great Mystery,
teach me how to trust
my heart,
my mind,
my intuition,
my inner knowing,
the senses of my body,
the blessings of my spirit.
Teach me to trust these things
so that I may enter my Sacred Space
and love beyond my fear,
and thus Walk in Balance
with the passing of each glorious Sun.


***

"Give thanks for unknown blessings
already on their way."

***

The GREAT FATHER above a SHEPHERD CHIEF is.
I am His and with Him I want not.
He throws out to me a rope and the name of the rope is love
and He draws me to where the grass is green and the water is not dangerous,
and I eat and lie down and am satisfied.
Sometimes my heart is very weak and falls down
but He lifts me up again draws me into a good road.
His name is WONDERFUL .
Sometimes, it may be very soon, it may be a long long time,
He will draw me into a valley.
It is dark there, but I'll be afraid not,
for it is between those mountains that the SHEPHERD CHIEF will meet me
and the hunger that I have in my heart all through life will be satisfied.
Sometimes he makes the love rope into a whip,
but afterwards He gives me a staff to lean upon.
He spreads a table before me with all kinds of foods.
He puts His hand upon my head and all the " tired " is gone.
My cup he fills till it runs over.
What I tell is true. I lie not.
These roads that are "away ahead" will stay with me
through this life and after;
and afterwards I will go to live in the Big Teepee
and sit down with the SHEPHERD CHIEF forever.

Baby, You're Not lost...

I haven't had the focus to write over the last few months. The rollercoaster adventure I call my life has had me on a temporary hiatus from my career path as an actor. The car has been running on empty so to speak and to make ends meet I had to do a three month temp job with my old 9to5 that didn't allow me the flexibility to go out on auditions.

From a sheer survival standpoint it was truly a blessing because it came right when the funds were needed but mentally it was a bit of a blow to my confidence that I can make a go of this acting thing. I did take a 12 week acting class to keep my mind engaged in my craft but this whole period has had me take a good hard look at where my career is or isn't. The picture isn't pretty. I have major student loans coming due in January and my temp job ends next Friday so the waters may be a bit rough ahead.

I have felt a bit lost spiritually speaking from all of this but at the same time, I love a good challenge. I can only continue to trust that the Universe will continue to guide me and I will muster what strength lies dormant inside me to meet the Universe halfway. I am entering 2012 with a blind faith that everything will work out and my acting career will finally take hold.

Wish me luck!:)

The Gift of Surrender

As I move into the month of June 2011, I find myself embracing a new sense of peace. With all the stress and confusion of the past few months, it didn't seem like there was a lot to look forward to on all fronts. I reached a point one evening when I simply started talking to God, the Universe, that voice inside I always called my intuition, whatever you want to call it. I said "I surrender" I cannot do this on my own anymore. I surrendered everything, my career, my hopes my dreams for the life I want to live. I must say, at first it just felt good to ask for help and put my faith in that part of me that I trusted once so completely.

The next day (last Thursday to be exact)it began. I got a call for an audition for "The Nine Lives of Chloe King". I thought "Wow, thanks, God" for giving me a lifeline here during this bleak period. It was a small role I was auditioning for but I was happy. My manager called and said it was at 5:45pm Friday at CBS Radford Studios. I said Cool. and I thanked the Universe and said it's all in your hands so I leave it up to you.

I arrived last Friday at 5:30 to have time to make it across the lot to wherever I was auditioning. However, the security guard had a surprise for me. He said, I have you down for an audition time of 12:45 but your papers say 5:45 so good luck." For a minute I froze realizing that something was seriously off. I stopped and laughed and said "Hey God, I turned everything up to you so this is all in your hands." I proceeded to get lost on the lot until a wardrobe lady kindly guided me to the correct bungalow. I entered and while the sign in sheet was still out, there was no one else waiting to audition. I signed in and sat down waiting for five minutes until I heard the sound of voices on the second floor. Not sure what possessed me, but I got up and walked up in search of voices. I came across a startled casting assistant who happened to be hanging out with her sister in the office before heading home. I told her I came for my 5:45 audition and once she got over her shock at my arrival she said, "Well, the director and everyone is gone but why don't I put you on tape anyway and I can have my sister read with you if you don't mind?" I smiled and said "Sure, thank you". We three walked downstairs and had fun knocking out my audition. I thanked them deeply for helping me out and putting my audition tape up for the producers to view with the others who arrived at 12:45pm. To be honest, I was so happy that they were kind enough to fit me in I left the studio lot feeling amazingly happy.

Tuesday rolled around and I got a call I was on a "Watch and Advise" which meant they were interested but hadn't made a final decision. I thanked God for taking charge and hung up the phone on Cloud Nine. By 3pm Wednesday afternoon I got another call saying I got the job!

Is all this just some bizarre coincidence? I don't think so! This evening, I received a pdf of the script I am acting in next week. I found myself laughing with unexpected joy and gratitude as I realized that this is my life! I am an actor and I get paid to "play", to be creative, and create work that hopefully entertains people! It is easy to slip into being depressed trying and trying to get an "in" in this industry. Yet tonight something in me reminded me that I am so incredibly blessed that life has led me to a place where I am actually living my dreams. I can do nothing but enjoy and appreciate this time. I don't have any fear of making mistakes or anything like that. I am just uncontrollably HAPPY! I am living my dreams and appreciating every opportunity I get to act!

The amazing thing is I understand I never really have been alone in my journey. I only thought I was. I surrendered control and something amazing opened up for me. I know that life holds limitless possibilities and I look forward to the uncharted territory that lies ahead!!

I have been wanting to reconnect to that intuitive voice I feel is God Within. Whatever else I have gained from these recent experiences, I know for certain that my "surrendering to Source" has brought me into joyful reunion with that which I have been seeking. How do I know? I have felt a joy, a connection and a peace of mind like I have never known before. And for that I am so grateful.

Moving Toward What Lies Over The Rainbow!

May is coming to an end. I feel like I can breathe again. What a crazy month it has been. Life is a never-ending journey of growth.

Tonight is my acting group's last class of the semester. We will be holding auditions and elections. Yikes! Class promises to be vibrant and challenging! The decisions we make tonight on both fronts will have an impact on the energy and vibe of the group.

It has been a semester of drama, from difficulties with our new space to emotional meltdowns by some of our members. It was a serious reminder of how important it is to protect yourself as an actor. Working with your emotions so much and working in an industry that batters your ego through the audition process, it is important to create supportive environments that nourish your spirit.

Tomorrow starts our month and a half semester break and I am looking forward to the downtime.

Good-bye, May! Thanks for the lessons. I know now I got somewhere to go and I can get there.

Time to move toward what lies over the rainbow!

"Your Being Here, Your Being Alive, Makes Worthiness Your Birthright"

I have been having a major spiritual crisis/life crisis/career crisis over the last month. Perhaps it was the passing of my birthday. Who knows for certain. The happiness I felt with my life just seemed to evaporate and I felt numb.

At this present moment in time, I feel as if I am on the verge of coming out on the other side of this dark place of doubt and loneliness. It would appear that my psyche has some automatic programing that sends me into a mode of self-sabotaging fear whenever I am starting to focus on being happy. I've been back and forth to that "dark place" so much you'd think I owned a condo there at the corner of "Doubt and Loneliness". 

This trip however I allowed myself to really see "me" clearly without putting on the mask of "fake" happiness I wore since childhood, not only for others but for myself. It is weird to look at my life and realize I am trapped in the mask created to survive my teenage bullies. The pretense I kept up with my family that life was great when in fact I felt worthless inside was how I survived. I see now I did such a good job of masking I didn't notice I never dropped the mask. I  talk a good talk of believing in myself but with serious examination my actions show me how much I live in fear of the possibility that I am existing in a life that does not matter to anyone including me. Now the challenge of self-examination is, once you get honest with yourself you have to actually do something to change your circumstances, not just once but continually and consistently until you ACTUALLY change. I mastered  "feeling good" at the discovery of a problem then "developing amnesia" when it came to fixing it.

Until Wednesday, I could not admit that I never stopped feeling worthless inside. It was easier to pretend I was okay than to deal with why I felt worthless, why I felt powerless. The Universe directed me,through the power of my intuition to pursue an acting career and in my acting I found a sense of purpose and power in my ability to create characters that touched other people. On stage I felt alive. Offstage I felt worthless. The problem with this was eventually that worthless feeling crippled my ability to believe in myself as a professional actor. Acting was never difficult. Getting someone to believe in me has always been the challenge. It's hard to convince others of what you barely believe yourself. If I am honest I think I have always been afraid someone would see through me and know I was the same worthless person inside who my bullies saw "could" be bullied.

The strange thing is it took watching the finale of the "Oprah Winfrey Show" to crack something open in me. She said, "Your being here, your being alive makes worthiness your birthright."

I don't care if it sounds stupid that a talk show would have such a major effect on me. It was like God was talking directly to me. I had that experience many times over the years when I randomly tuned into her show. The finale, however, hit me deeply. God didn't whisper. God didn't hit me upside the head with a brick or even let a brick wall fall on me. It was like an old brick building collapsed on my head and cracked open a life's worth of repressed pain. I started to cry the serious gut wrenching ugly cry that comes when you tap into a hidden hurt you locked away and forgot. In that hour of her finale, I allowed myself to see who I had become. I allowed myself to believe I did not have to remain stuck in my pain. I realized  despite what those bullies said and did to me those many years ago, I did not have to remain hostage to that time in my life.

I see now that I am responsible for where my life is today and I am the only one who can change it.

Since life can't suck much more than it has already, why not give believing in myself a serious try and trust that the spirit of intuition that once guided me so well through my darkest time will truly return and allow me to put down the mask once and for all.

Real happiness is worth the effort. I pray I can stay the course and finally get out on the other side. I have found my passion and purpose in life and I want to get on with the business of living my passion. It is clear to me that as I get out of my own way and embrace my own inherent self-worth, than I will be able to embrace my calling fully and completely. I have work to do. I have no idea how it feels to feel worthy but I will search for the answers in the silence of the deepest part of me. It is my birthright and I will claim it. 

Growing At My Own Pace

On Wednesday, I got a passionate desire to express my frustration, confusion and sadness at the looming threat from Congress to the funding of such national treasures as PBS. Now, I got into that post and was quite happy with it when suddenly, I discovered my computer was under attack from a Trojan determined to ruin my week. There is nothing like writing a long post about something you care about and realize you have to press "re-boot", knowing full well that you have lost something you felt was special.

The Universe was providing me with a few good lessons.

First lesson- Don't get too attached to stuff. Generally, I use to lose my temper (wanting to break something) when these frustrations occur so, to a certain degree, a new level of inner peace has taken root as I "let go" of my "PBS gem" without incident.

The second lesson- Let go of the notion that there is some magic formula or strategy on-line that will help me expand the traffic to my site. 

It is pretty funny. Whenever I have gotten into a real flow with my blog and start reading other site on ways to optimize traffic to my site, trouble comes. Last year I did it and boom! And just two days ago, I was reading a blog about making money online with your blog and boom another vicious Trojan I was not able to resolve until literally 10 a.m. this morning.

Thankfully, I had Norton Internet Security. It literally saved me the repeat of hours of computer drama that I experienced last year. I will admit I tried my best to figure out what the problem was on my own but I kept getting high level attacks every few minutes attempting to screw me over royally. Yes, it created some minor issues but I broke down and called the Norton Live expert, actually it took very friendly gentleman  from India to help me but they got me back on track.

I don't like sounding like an advertisement but I have to give props to Norton Internet Security because they kept my computer functioning for this not so tech savvy blogger.  I will recommend getting their protection for anyone new to blogging. If  I am going to remain in the blogosphere exploring new sites, I feel safer having some protection and support.

Oh and if you are interested in saving Big Bird and Elmo for you or your children, consider going to www.170millionamericans.org and get involved in any way you are comfortable. PBS does matter.



What kind of world would it be without Sesame Street?

The Little Things Do Matter

Things are continuing to look up! This "living my beliefs" approach is amazing! I turned over my financial situation to the Universe to work out for me. I "rampaged" my thoughts on joy and thankfulness for the assistance I KNEW was on its way and in less than 24 hours I got a text from my old 9 to 5 job with a month's worth of temp work.

Now, I could pretend like it's just a coincidence. However, I don't believe in coincidences. I know the Universe has always taken care of all of my needs. This was a visible sign I choose to embrace with a grateful  heart. I am new to truly living in the present moment. I usually spend more time worrying about tomorrow but I have to say, I'd rather focus on today because today is looking pretty good and tomorrow will take care of itself.

Listening to as many Abraham Hicks clips as I can is helpful. They have a grounding effect. After one or two clips, I find myself smiling for no particular reason, my usual shallow breathing gets just a bit deeper and more restful. All these small moments of joy and peace are adding up to something special. I plan to celebrate every little thing. They do matter! I am excited to see what new joy the Universe has coming my way! 

Oh Yeah... I Live In Los Angeles!

I love living in Los Angeles. Being a reformed recluse, I have discovered there are endless avenues for adventure. A newly discovered coffee shop here. A relaxing and cozy used bookstore there. Not to mention the various options of entertainment venues Los Angeles has to offer. In my view the only thing lacking is that "sociable stranger" element that is missing. You just can't regularly strike up a conversation with someone in passing without the more than likely possibility that they will be too frightened, annoyed, or in a hurry to acknowledge you. So, as with most Los Angelenoes, barring some unusual bonding moment like the malfunctioning of the fire alarm in the apartment complex or some other random event to force you out of your comfort zone, we all just trot about our merry lives enjoying the bubble of our own world of friends. I think it is the "Philadelphian" in me, who is use to chatting with my neighbors and laughing with fellow strangers on the SEPTA bus, and on some level misses that tiny but comforting sense of community.

What am I rambling on about?

Who knows... my mind just traveled there as I laugh at this crazy place I now call home.

Last night, after listening to my dose of Abraham-Hicks youtube clips, I prepared for bed rampaging on the happiness I felt and the deep sense of calm that has begun to settle into my mind. I enjoyed a late night shower grateful for the hot water and imagining the endless possibilities. Even after drinking a pot of gunpowder green tea, I was so relaxed I dove into bed, curled up under the covers and drifted into my awaiting dreamworld.

I was knee deep in a very exciting film noire styled adventure that had me matching whits with some French sounding mafia killer. Yes, this dream was a "doozey" when all of a sudden the sound of "F&@*k YOU!" grabbed me by the neck and dragged me back to the reality of my darkened bedroom.

It was 5 a.m., according to my clock. I found myself instinctively searching my apartment certain that the person whose mouth physically yanked me awake was somewhere inside, hiding in the darkness. Don't you just  love the surreal quality of being half awake in the dark? Somehow knew I was suppose to be responding to something but I was completely clueless, with only the strange bodily tingling that comes with being shocked into conscious awareness.  After 3 minutes of standing in my pitch black living room completely lost as to why I was there, that ungodly scream of "F&@*K YOU!" rolled through my apartment like a freight train, once more. This time it came from my bedroom, through my balcony window, and down the alley of my apartment complex. The distinct drunken quality to the yell from the shadows made sense to my now functioning brain..

I could do nothing but laugh. Realizing my French mafia killer was not lurking in my kitchen, I went back to bed. One last scream from the drunken mystery man stirred the neighbors directly above me, but filled me with so much humor I found myself literally laughing myself back to the new dreams that awaited my return.

I spent so much of the night before focusing on choosing happiness, leaving stress and anger behind, it was an amusing joke from the Universe to wake me up "certain" my life was in danger! HAHA! Wow! As I realized that angry drunken man of the shadows had no effect on me or my happiness, I could not stop laughing. Lessons come from the most unusual sources!  It is so easy for me to get wrapped up in the drama of my life that last night's visitor was strangely comforting. He was not exactly the "sociable stranger" I was looking for but he was strange.

Either way, the "bubble" of my insular LA life was burst wide open. I was quickly reminded, there is an endless supply of stories playing out in every moment all around me. They don't have to impact my happiness one bit. However, it is nice to know that we are all on our individual journeys in many ways together.         

Exhaling and Allowing in "Who I Really Am".

In this instant, letting go feels good. Just choosing to feel good for the sake of feeling good is wonderfully freeing. No strenous brain exertion required. It feels like the relaxing calm of an exhale that allows "Who I Really Am" to take care of my entire being.

Step One: It's All About Love

As I move in the direction of living my beliefs, I have found myself once more drawn to listening to new you tube clips of Abraham Hicks. I am choosing to take this as some form of guidance from Source. It can really be nothing else as far as I am concerned.  

Why? Because it, without fail, puts me in a place of balance and alignment. Alignment with the whole of who I am is the place I want to be today and everyday for as long as possible.

This clip is what I see as step one of the journey I have been on most of my life but for some reason fall off by the self-imposed restrictions of my own thoughts. Time to get out of my own way, allow myself to simply enjoy the experience of step one until step two decides to make an appearance and guides me to where it wants to take me.

Getting What You Believe...

I have made it to April 2011. I am an actor who despite all signs to the contrary remains dare I say...HOPEFUL. To say the last few months have been challenging would be an understatement. However, with all the ups and downs, the only thing that became abundantly clear is that my life was reflecting the predominant thoughts I held on to, whether positive or negative. When I gave into the stress of my circumstances, it felt as if more drama just kept on coming. Last week, something clicked in my brain and once again I decided to "believe" that everything would work out and that if as I believe I am but one part of the great Universal Consciousness that expresses itself through me than, why am I trying to go it alone. I decided to turn everything over to the Universe. I believe with every fiber in me that the Universe will work it out for me. I can only hold firm to the belief that what I want is to make a contribution to the world and express my best self through my work as an actor.  I am trusting that the Universe will handle the details and I must move forward as if the success I desire is assured. It is a leap of faith but either I live my beliefs or I concede that I don't actually believe in my own beliefs!

Now I won't be just sitting by the phone waiting for life to happen. I will however, stop focusing on any inner doubts. Those doubts are just indicators of disbelief. I am focusing on living my beliefs so strongly that my actions are signs of my positive expectation of the success the Universe is creating into my experience. I guess this may seem ridiculous to anyone reading this. However, I have been so aware that I have been focusing on doubts and fears of not succeeding as an actor and it has done nothing but prove my fears true. So, why not dive head long into accepting nothing but the success I desire. Who cares what anyone thinks. Most folks think I am crazy anyway for attempting to go back to acting when it is such an "iffy" career choice for most.

I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Focusing on my fears is draining. So far, focusing on my beliefs has actually got me laughing, smiling and enjoying more of my day.  If I am heading to "crazytown" at least it will be a fun trip to the local nut house!

It's funny. This blog is becoming the mental map of my understanding my own thought process. I was not aware just how up and down my thinking is regarding my career. For a while I am positive then for a while I question if I have what it takes. The only thing that stays consistent is my desire to be a successful actor.

I intend to shape my thoughts and imagination to more consistently focus on what I want rather than that which I do not want.

Here's to keeping myself on track with the best expression of who I am.  The rest is in the hands of the Universe!

The Past Can Slam You When You Least Expect It...

Man, the show hasn't finished airing yet and already things are getting WEIRD!!! I just went on Facebook to check for messages etc. Well, one of my few friends that I stay in contact with from my neighborhood put me into a group on facebook made of folks from my childhood neighborhood. He also announced I was in a show airing tonight. So now I am getting FB messages from people whose names sound vaguely familiar from when I was say 15 as well as some I will never forget as folks who watched as I went through some of the most horrific moments of my life. My head is spinning right now!!!

Hey maybe they never noticed that I was being taunted, teased, and bullied as they stood there or maybe perspective is everything in those situations? I don't know... I just am finding it really bizarre suddenly having all of these voices from my childhood popping up on facebook now surprised that I am an actor and cheering me on saying we are" family for life." WTF?

I need to take a breath... I am not the child who was once bullied and had to literally fight for self-respect and respect with the neighborhood gang. (I mean gang in the old sense of the word not the drug-dealing "Bloods and Crips" type)   

Alright. Alright. My brain is on overdrive. AHHHHHHHH!!!!

I guess the Universe is giving me an opportunity to put my past in the past and enjoy the life I am living in the present. Hey if that is the gift I can take from this situation than miracles are possible. I am tired of carrying around that old baggage. Wow. Life is one surprise after another. Will have to do some serious meditating on all of this....

Getting Right In My Head...

I think I am becoming the poster boy for contradition! It has been a month since my last blog post, yet I started this blog to vent out my frustrations and figure things out so I can move forward. So, why haven't I? I've noticed I have a real issue with internalizing my frustrations and keeping up a smiling face to friends and family so they don't see that things are not as rosey and exciting as I make them out to be! What is the deal?

I think I have been stressing bc money is getting tight and I am putting my belief system to the test that the Universe will provide as in fact it always has. I do know that where I place my thoughts is what I draw into my life but I am having a challenge with keeping my thoughts in the positive "imagining my success" when my natural inclination is to stress. However, when I let go of the stress and focus on what I want things fall into place. I wish I could get my brain trained on the positive more consistently!

Okay well enough of the ranting.

Tonight's my big night. The episode of the tv show I got an acting gig in airs tonight and I must admit I am excited. It is a one-line role but I had such a blast! A friend wanted to have a big gathering to celebrate. I was about to freak out. I said "For a one- line role? Are you kidding? I will look like an idiot!" So now it is down to me and two friends which I can manage!:) On the one hand I am trying to embrace every victory in my career (big and small) with celebration because the career of an actor is brutal on your ego and sense of self if you let it. But on the other hand, I need to protect myself from situations like a big party where I could find myself in a room full of friends and at the end of the show they go, "That's it? One line?" I know I know if they are friends they would be supportive but sometimes people say things and they don't realize how hurtful a passing comment can be when you are in a vulnerable place.

Ahhhhh. I'm having one of those "Actor's Nightmare" moments where you feel so totally exposed in front of the world. I am sitting here recalling how I have handled my letting my family and friends know I got a part in a TV show. I qualified every email or text with "It's just a one-line role" or "Hey if you blink you will miss me." What is that...self-preservation baby! One because I didn't want to seem like an ass bragging over something that others thought was no big deal and I had this instinct to protect myself from ridicule. Wow... I need therapy....:) Whatever... Okay, so I have some work to do on embracing my successes in life without qualification but damn is that a challenge!

Regardless, I am happy and excited about tonight! I will take baby steps with these two friends of allowing myself to enjoy the moment and the experience with them and not sit on my friend's coach cringing the entire hour!!!!

Man, I swing from positivity to negativity like a freaking pendulum. I am dizzy from all the back and forth!:)

Here we go! Time to go take a shower. It is about to be 5pm pacific time 8pm eastern so my family and friends back east will be starting to watch the show or not... Time to brace myself for whatever comes tonight!  AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

New Year New Opportunities To Grow

So it is 2011 and I am already preparing myself for a new year of productivity.  Having stayed in Los Angeles for the holidays, I had a lot more time to think about where I am and where I want to be in this coming year. One thing I noticed was my perspective as a professional actor has got to change. It is less about hoping to be chosen for a role and more about what steps can I be taking to make my being hired the inevitable choice.

It was a smart move to start viewing seeing myself as the CEO of my life and career as it has me thinking in new ways and taking actions I had resisted or never thought of doing before. I started with making a spreadsheet of all my assets and debts from student loan to credit card balances to new credit union accounts. It was a concrete reality check that made creating a personal budget and an actor's expense log useful tools in getting a firm grip on my finances. It is hard to live in financial lala land when it is all down on paper, so to speak. I have been amazing at juggling things but it was a bit of a shocker when I had to look at how much wasteful spending has filled my various statements. I am hopeful the log and budget will force me to use more restraint and think about where I want my funds to go.  I need as much money to go toward acting expenses so my business moves me into the "black" so my late night 7-11 runs have come to an end.

No resolutions for the year but I do have a greater commitment to those things I started in late 2010 which with persistence will get my acting business on firm footing. Ending the year with my first tv gig in a while was a nice way to end the year and a strong motivator to make 2011 the most productive year my acting career has seen in a long time!!!