Time To Get Laughing!!!

My birthday gift packet was a great success! My friend loved it and I know the joy I had putting it together was what helped make it special!

Today, I am hoping to go with another friend to a pre-Halloween party tonight. My only obstacle is this growing cold that has been lurking in my chest. My plan is to laugh myself to health with as much laughter and fun I can squeeze in before I go, along with as much citrus fruit I can peel and blend with a bit of Aloe Vera juice for good measure! So this is a grand experiment in the power of humor and feeling good to get me into a better feeling place.

So far, it has been working! I started out feeling pretty crappy when I woke up. With my first citrus injection, things felt ok. Dropping off the gift and its warm reception was a boost. Now, it is time to kick things into gear.

Time to get laughing!!

Let The Money Flow...

I spent the afternoon running around searching for a gift for a friend's birthday on Halloween. I started thinking of getting a gift certificate and move on. However, when I got to the mall, I started to think what would I buy if I could just get what I wanted and not worry about whether or not I can afford it.

Just making that little change in my thinking turned my afternoon into a fun adventure. I quickly stopped thinking about myself and started to think what my friend might need. He is full of stress so I found myself at IKEA, Target, Bed Bath and Beyond, and Bath & Body Works picking up a basket full of goodies from cds to scented oils to scented bath washes and all the things I could find to help him create a spa like experience at home. I felt so excited and joyful today that that energy poured itself into this unexpected birthday gift basket. 

I felt like the richest man on the planet today and that feeling alone was worth everything!! Money flows when I allow it to flow in and out. Life is good!!!     

Practice, Practice, Practice

Last night I went to my Tuesday night acting class. I was working on a scene that has been a challenge for everyone. I decided that I am going to change my approach to my work and enjoy the process. I didn't nail the scene as I had hoped but I found that changing my approach allowed me the opportunity to learn so much more from my work than I have in the past. Usually, I come home either feeling elated or deflated. Last night, however, there was no need for deflation because, after all, I am living the life I want to be living. Why waste a moment beating myself up for "failing" when I can use it to learn and grow?

To say this is a "victory" is an understatement. Realizing that I am moving toward my goals with every opportunity to learn and grow is the best tool I could add to my arsenal. Moving from frustration to contentment is a nice shift; and with contentment as my new "base," my chances of moving from contentment to elation on a more regular basis is something to look forward to.       

Staying Open for the "Hmm..." As Well As The "Wow!"

I had a mellow relaxing day today. I thought, well I'll skip writing on this blog today, as I don't want to write just to write. So, I took a look at what I did experience today. There were no WOW moments clammering in my head.  I found that i did have recurring moments of negative thoughts coming up and they led me to ask myself what are these thoughts about? In turn I was able to see that I have some resistance to where I am with my acting career. I have been having a slow period and not sure what I needed to do to get things going.

These questions and resulting thoughts led me back to listening to the Abraham-Hicks youtube clips, as they have helped me slip into a place of non-resistance. The attached clip really spoke to me.

As I proceed through the remainder of the day and prepare for my acting class tomorrow, I have come to the realization that I want to bring more joy to my acting process. I want to see my acting experiences and career as a joyful journey and not a "success or fail" gamble.  I want to be in the now and allow myself to enjoy the moment when I am acting and realize the "am I getting this right" mantra that has been a part of my process up to this moment and that is okay because that is where I am. However, as I have the ability to choose where I place my thoughts, why not choose what I want rather than re-tell the story of how I am not getting what i want. What I choose now is to try something different, tell a new story of my acting career and feel good as I do it.

    

When You Change The Way You Look At Things, The Things You Look At Change

Wayne Dyer made this statement in his PBS seminar on The Power of Intention. I am starting to get it.

Today was a FULL day. My days are become fuller than ever before now that I am consciously working on being aware of where I am directing my thoughts. 

I started with my Sunday long run as part of my marathon training. I had a wonderful time with one of my running buddies. We jogged and had a nice discussion about the power of choosing to be positive and letting go of negative thought patterns when they arise.

It was funny, because I told her I had another epiphany as I went to sleep. I was listening to an Abraham-Hicks youtube clip about the need to change one's story if life is not giving you what you want. I listened but didn't make the connection in my own life until I started to drift off. Like a flash I saw that I have been living my old story of Johnny's death and its impact on my life. It dawned on me that the writing of my story about Johnny was an opportunity to let that story go and move forward from this moment and start telling a new story of the life I want to live. Wow.

The morning discussion was so uplifting. The chat lasted a while until we could no longer waste precious oxygen on conversation.

That is when I decided to use my quiet time to have a mental rampage of postive thoughts. I just allowed myselfto imagine how wonderful it would be if I had this or traveled there or allowed that to happen in my life. Just like it did two days earlier on the treadmill, I found myself running farther, gaining strength and feeling so amazingly happy, I could not believe I was running close to 7 miles! It is going to be a fun journey to 26.2 miles but I think I have found a valuable tool.

When I got home at 9:30 am I had to get ready for my West Hollywood brunch with my friend. That was a challenging opportunity to choose to not care what other people say to or about you even when they are trying to trigger you. My friend seemed to be in rare form with an endless stream of sarcasm, negativity or outright rudeness. I found myself having to practice very hard the art of non-resistance. When I could allow myself to see his one-man show was just that, I could see it had nothing to do with me. The only problem was I hadn't reached that place where it didn't completely affect me. However, I had been able to lose the anger and moved to the lighter level of frustration. That is progress. As much as my friend frustrates me, I accept that he is probably my greatest life teacher, shining a bright spotlight on the issues I need to overcome. He may single-handedly show me they way to mastering the direction of my thoughts.

By the time I got home, I turned on the tv to see Wayne Dyer who seemed to be the Source's vehicle to communicate with me. It was a little startling to be watching tv and the man on the screen seems almost to be talking directly to how i was feeling at that very moment. I snapped up and realized that Inner Guidance is real and can come to you when you open yourself up to hear it.

I ended my day's activity with a coaching gig. The beauty of that gig was that I was spending the day before working on loosening my resistance around allowing more money to flow into my life. Lo and behold, a call comes with a guy asking for my coaching assistance! Life is great and the money is flowing!

I can only say that today was an example of the power of one's thoughts and value of living consciously. I feel like I have been asleep for a decade. It is so could to be awake!

Allowing Myself to FEEL My Way to Where I Want To Go

I have been listening to a number of youtube clips of Abraham-Hicks workshops. The experience has been a wonderful example of when the student is ready the teacher will come. I have been discovering that as I am more consciously aware of how I am feeling at every moment, rather than unconsciously responding to what is coming at me in my daily life, then my life is FEELING so much more vibrant. When I am finding myself feeling negative, aware that I always have a choice, I am actually having fun moving myself to a  less negative place gradually until I am able to feel my way into a more positive space.

Deciding that I want to live as joyfully as possible everyday led me to these youtube clips, which gave me tools to actually work and live fully this way in time.  It is exciting, mainly because it feels so liberating to realize that I no longer have to remain stuck in my negativity. In the past, I found myself constantly slipping into anger or frustration or fear. My solution was to ignore the feeling and put a happy face on it. But that is not the same as realizing you have a choice in how you feel because the negative thoughts and feelings seemed like they were my reality and the happy face cover was just that a cover.

Now, my journey with these new tools I am applying is amazing, in that the reverse has now become my reality. I can see that the frustration, anger, and fear are just me disconnecting myself from the joyful flow of life that I am meant to be living daily.   

Learning As I Go Along

To say that I am getting exactly what I asked for is an understatement. The funny thing is that it is such a new experience, that it is as if the Universe is providing me with moments of awareness that I have a choice to respond differently to situations that normally would have sent me spirally into negativity.

After reading the few articles I have found of the seven laws of the Universe it was amazing how the application of them started to become clearer to me throughout most of yesterday. One could have called yesterday, for me, one long exercise in patience or my first conscious day long marathon "study session" of the Seven Universal Laws.

The day started with my continuing the previous day's packing up of food, clothing, and various books, etc for my donation to the San Fernando Rescue Mission. I was required to stay home because I was told in my reminder call yesterday morning that the truck would come by any time between 8 am and 5 pm. Yes, I dragged my butt up early to keep going. It was a lot of fun feeling I was helping out some other families with my stuff while clearing out my closet to make room for more good to enter my own life.  Well, I got a lot of cleaning done with quite a bit more to do. I compiled about 5 boxes worth of donation material. Not bad.

I piled the boxes outside my apartment door.

This is good... Oh, wait... it is 4:35pm.  Hmm, the truck hasn't gotten here yet? Let me call.

The driver is not picking up his phone when dispatch tries calling. As the woman on the other end of the phone gave this explanation, I felt this urge to let the "Bitch Within" rage against the world for having me not leave my home so I could make this donation and then not have them pick up the donation. As I started to speak almost reflexively in "bitch talk" I stopped myself and actually heard in the woman that she was already sounding embarrassed already that the driver didn't show up. And for whatever satisfaction I would derive from screaming at her, what would be the point?.

This is not the first day I didn't leave the house before 5 pm. The fact is I actually had a great morning and afternoon cleaning, sorting, and enjoying the whole donation process as I listened to hours of  podcasts of "Calling Long Distance" on my computer. I was not numbing myself with the television. I was having fun in the simplest of ways and with one phone call I was almost ready to jump back into a negative vibe for no good reason at all. Thankfully, I just hung up and went back to continue my enjoyment.

But wait... The day was not over yet.  Evening approached when I received a call from my best friend, YES, the friend who was so negative in my acting class on Tuesday. Well, he was in a bit of a mood and complained about a variety of things, rambled a bit about class again and then he made a suggestion. Why don't we start having brunch every Sunday in West Hollywood so we can put ourselves out there and connect more with the gay community.

Wow. Hmm, okay...

I did like the idea but I suggested we start with two Sundays out of the month instead of every Sunday. For one thing, I do my Sunday big run with my two marathon buddies and did not want to compromise the fun I have been having with that experience. Also, I was not sure I wanted to deal with potential drama EVERY Sunday. His response was to tell me that one thing that always frustrated and annoyed him about me was that considering I was one of his few gay friends that I was not willing to go do things with him in West Hollywood.

WOW! Is this guy for real?

In addition, we both needed to get out of the house and find a man before it was too late.
EXCUSE ME?! 

Immediately, this went from a nice idea I was open to, to D-R-A-M-A! I stopped him and pointed out his amazing ability to take a positive fun idea and make it as negative as humanly possible. I let him know that I am not responsible for his lack of gay friends and that attempting to lay a guilt trip on me about frustrations he is having as a means of convincing me to commit to a weekly lunch date is ABSURD. I unconsciously slipped into the "Bitch mode" I refrained from earlier and let him know that he needed to get a grip on his negativity and stop making everyone else suffer for his own unhappiness. He did finally stop trying to defend himself and admitted he needed to deal with his issues.

We settled the conversation with agreeing to have brunch every other Sunday starting on the 25th and will move to lunches when the distance of my Sunday trainings increase to the longer runs.

What was that conversation but a major series of opportunities to see where I am in my journey and how many choices I have on how I need to respond  to things. When I hung up I was so aware that instead of being strong in my positive state I allowed myself to slip into sync with his negative vibe. I became aware that my friend sees me as this nice but pathetic gay man who barely leaves his house to enjoy life unless it is with him so unless I am with him I must be sitting at home. Instead of being able to stay in a place of peace knowing that I actually do go out with other friends and be social, his image of me and the idea of being alone for the rest of my life hit a nerve that had me seeing red.

I saw in retrospect that I could have pointed out everything I needed to point out to him without going to a place of negativity. That will come in time but this is where I am now and that is fine. It's all about the journey.

Upon hanging up the phone I thought I would vent on my blog and lo and behold  the website was down. This is when I was able to snap myself out of my anger. I was so pissed off from this nagging feeling I held onto from the phone call that when I couldn't vent I shouted,

WHAT THE HELL!!!l????

Then I started to recall the seven laws, particlaurly the law of rhythm and said to myself,

okay... let's swing ourselves into a better vibration here.

This is how I am feeling now but I can swing toward a better mood by watching something empowering.

I started surfing the web and ran across a string of youtube clips involving Abraham-Hicks and it was like taking an injection of morphene. I could very slowly feel my energy shifting to a place of peace. I watched as many clips as I could find until I literally felt so joyful, I was able to see the previous conversation as a lesson for myself on how to be more self aware of what I am choosing to feel.

My friend is clearly a mirror in some way of the negativity I am carrying around within myself. When I am able to truly not be affected by my friend's negativity and see it as his issue and not a trigger for my own, that will be a wonderful day indeed.

The journey continues...more joyfully each day, than the day before!!!                           

I think I am going to head to the gym and have some fun!

STUDYING THE UNIVERSE

In my exploration of this newly ignited interest applying the Law of Attraction to my life, I have run across on various websites, explanations of the Seven Universal, or Cosmic or Natural Laws that affects all people and all things without exception. So, if I am applying one Law into my life it makes sense I work with them all.

With that in mine I have decided to post this to keep them a more present part of my awareness. I think I want to become more of a student of the Universe and start flowing "downstream" instead of struggling to swim upstream against the currents of life. I am SO ready to start creating "new stories" and let the old ones go for good!  

SEVEN LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE:

1. The Law of Perpetual Transmutation


Energy moves into physical form.

The images you hold in your mind most often materialize in results in your life.



2. The Law of Relativity

Nothing is good or bad, big or small… until you RELATE it to something else.

Practice relating your situation to something much worse and yours will always look good.



3. The Law of Vibration (The basis of The Law of Attraction)

Everything vibrates, nothing rests.

Conscious awareness of vibration is called feeling. Your thoughts control your paradigms (your perception of yourself) and your vibration (which dictates what you attract).

When you are not feeling good, become aware of what you are thinking, and then think of something pleasant.



4. The Law of Polarity

Everything has an opposite: Hot-Cold…Up-Down…Good-Bad…Inside-Outside.

Constantly look for the good in people and situations. When you find it, tell the person. People love compliments and the positive idea in your mind makes you feel good. Remember, good idea-good vibration.



5. The Law of Rhythm

The tide goes out…night follows day…good times-bad times.

When you are on a down swing, do not feel bad. Know the swing will change and things will get better. There are good times coming - think of them.



6. The Law of Cause and Effect

Whatever you send into the Universe comes back. Action…re-action are equal and opposite.

Say good things to everyone; treat everyone with total respect and it will all come back. Never worry about what you are going to get, just concentrate on what you can give.



7. The Law of Gender

Every seed has a gestation or incubation period. Ideas are spiritual seeds and will move into form or physical results.

Your goals will manifest when the time is right. Know they will.

Standing in My Truth, Living in My Clutter

It has been barely 24 hours since I constructed and posted my Mission statement, but it is working its magic already! 

So, picture me walking about my appartment, memorizing my mission statement so I can say it aloud anywhere at any time until it is so rooted into my subconscious it cannot help but manifest! I felt great! I was feeling so pumped! Suddenly, I bump into my ironing board which was still set up in the middle of my living room for so long I used it as a countertop for anything and everything imaginable. As the iron, luckily unplugged, went tumbling to the floor, I had a MOMENT... I looked around, still a little pumped up from my mission statement and I saw my apartment as if for the first time. It was A MESS! Old water bottles, I swore I would recycle held hands with discarded matchbooks and cigarette boxes long empty of my nicotine nightmare sticks. My closet was cramped with so much of the junk I have not seemed to be able to part with yet rarely use, including clothes I should have gotten rid of a long time ago.

I have been LIVING A CLUTTERED LIFE and my apartment was a testament to that.

As the Universe would have it, I was suddenly reminded of the random call I received from the San Fernando Valley Rescue Mission. A lady called "at random" folks to see if they had anything they wanted to donate when their truck came into our neighborhood on Thursday. I said sure, but I proceeded to forget all about it. Until today.  I have to say, whether I was consciously thinking of this or not when I wrote my mission statement, the Universe has provided me with an opportunity to embrace "helping others as well as myself" by donating some food and clothes from my cramped closet. It seems like a "Win, Win" to me.

I suppose, the task of de-cluttering my life and apartment can be, instead of a drama, an opportunity to be of service. Who knew?   One thing is for sure. The changes I need to make as the newly appointed CEO Of My Own Life are literally falling at my feet like that iron of mine.

What else is there to do but ride this wave of self-discovery and have as much fun as possible along the way?

Time to get to work on my closet!

Life Continues On With Or Without You

If my posts over the last few days has given the idea that I am now residing in a lala land of feel good affirmations assuming life is now devoid of negativity let me clear that up right now. Let me tell you I am only too aware that life continues on now matter how many epiphanies I may have or how positive my outlook has become.

Last night I attended my Tuesday night acting group. We work on scenes to keep our skills sharp for film and television auditions. The work is put on tape for us to give one another feedback. Well, last night my work SUCKED!! Truth be told I did not put the work into my prep during the week and it showed. I get that. However, a classmate, who came to class late, did not perform himself but proceeded to "nail me to the cross" so to speak with the most hostile attack I have ever received in class without really giving feedback that would be deemed very useful. I started to get pissed, then in the back of my head I said "STOP."  This has nothing to do with you. This is all about him.

As the Universe would have it, earlier in the day I was browsing thru my favorite used bookstore, called The Illiad.  While I didn't buy anything, I did pick up the book entitled The Four Agreements.  I just happened to read a section that talked about not ever being upset by anything other people say to you because it is usually not about you at all, it is about them. I put the book back on the shelf and did not think about it again until the nails started being hammered in class last night.

Now, because I believe everything happens for a reason, I look on my spur of the moment trip to The Illiad  and my seemingly random picking up and reading of that passage, the work of my Inner Guidance preparing me for what lay ahead. Was my experience this fabulous joyful journey of bliss? Umm... no. But as this classmate continued to spread his negativity to my other classmates throughtout the night, it was a confirmation for me that my Inner guidance was right. It had nothing to do with me at all.

Why is this significant at all? Well, I am aware, that with my former companion - fear, came a pretty negative view of life. So is it any surprise that I have attracted friends and colleagues into my life who carry their own fair share of negativity within them? Oh, did I mention that the classmate who verbally arttacked me in class is in fact my closest friend in the world? Yeah, think about that one. hahah.

However, what I am getting from this new "CEO Of My Own Life" approach are the tools and the opportunities to make different choices in how I respond to the perceived negativity I am certain to encounter in my daily life. 

This, in a very concrete way, has given me a new sense of inner power to make conscious choices in my life. When class was over, I took the time to speak to my friend who knew he had pissed off every single person in the class. So, I let him know that I knew his bad attitude had nothing to do with me. I actually challenged him to look at why he feels he has the right to infect the class with his negativity when clearly we were not the cause of what was bothering him. It was so liberating to make the conscious choice to see things with a new clarity rather than allow myself to slip into old triggers that set my fears on fire! Progress, indeed. 

So rest assured, I get it. Life is what it is and I am not looking to change anyone but myself. I simply want to live my life my way and no longer be the "victim of circumstance" I chose to be in the past.  If my journey provides even an ounce of inspiration to others, all the better!

Come hell or high water, I will continue to build my new life, one brick at a time.

Peace.

MY MISSION

"My new mantra, my personal mission in life is:

To TRUST my intuition and inner guidance which will provide meaning, purpose and direction in my life. In turn, this will bestow me with the wisdom and courage needed to stand in my truth, live my beliefs and become the AMAZING ACADEMY AWARD WINNING ACTOR, ACCOMPLISHED WRITER, COMMITTED PARTNER, PASSIONATE LOVER, LOYAL FRIEND, DEDICATED SON, SUPPORTIVE BROTHER, INSPIRATIONAL UNCLE, and PROSPEROUS CEO OF MY OWN LIFE that I was meant to be!


I have decided WHO I want to be, WHAT I want to do, and I am simply going to MAKE IT HAPPEN, period.

I am COMMITTED to confidently live each day with UNWAVERING PASSION, IMMENSE LOVE, DOGGED DETERMINATION and AN UNSHAKEABLE FAITH in myself, my own unique greatness, and my unquestioned unity with all things in the Universe so that I am living the most OUTLANDISHLY ABUNDANT, SUCCESSFUL, PROSPEROUS and BLESSED LIFE IMAGINABLE while still making a positive difference in people’s lives. I will do this by spending time daily FOCUSED LIKE A LASER on improving my life in some way, embracing opportunities to help others as well as myself, and by striving to live as JOYFULLY as possible in the process."

A Little Inspiration: One Brick At A Time...

While taking a break from the initial research and construction of my life's new "business" plan, I found a little inspiration that I wanted to share and have available for motivation as I move forward.

Someone named themindguru on youtube put together a fabulous compilation of clips from a variety of interviews of Will Smith discussing his personal philosophy about life and how he motivates himself.

I'll be looking at this one quite a few times, I am sure, whenever I want a little extra motivation!

Hey, NO ONE can question that his philosphy has been working for him! 

Expanding The Vision of Myself

I started this blog as a tangible way of holding myself accountable. I know that if I make time to write about my progress in creating a more interesting life, I will be helping myself stay in a "space" of improvement.

So far, the result has been an increased awareness of when I am slipping into negative self-talk and the ability to stop myself in the middle of negative emission and shifting into a more positive frame of mind. I was a bit shocked just how easy it was to slip into negativity. However, making the shift into a positive vibe has not been as difficult to do. The awareness that I choose every situation that enters into my experience, makes it almost a no brainer that I must be more conscious of the thoughts I am entertaining.

As I have been in this place of self-reflection, it seems to me that I need to start looking at not just the thoughts I am entertaining. I actively must choose where I want my thinking to be focused. In the past I have had a general idea of wanting to be prosperous and successful. However, my goal for this week is to get specific about what I want and expand the vision I have of myself in all areas of my life.

What's that saying? "Those who fail to plan, plan to fail."

Yes, I am feeling a surge of intimidation coming up... (Gulp!)

Alright, take a breath...

Ahhh..... This is good.

I am deciding right now to embrace the excitement of this new endeavor. I think I will approach this as if I am the newly appointed CEO of my life.

The success of this new business called "MY LIFE" needs a business plan, a mission statement and a motivated staff. In my first official act as CEO I am immediately hiring  Me, Myself and I along with the amazingly talented workaholic, Mr. Subconscious Mind.  Wow, I guess this is very do-able, especially with four willing staffers!!  Haha!

You know, this process is really fun!

I am TRULY GRATEFUL that as I am allowing the Universe to be my guide, I am finding all sorts of wonderfully imaginative solutions popping into my experience.

I never considered myself  a businessman. I worked under the premise I was more the artistic type. However, with the artistic model comes the concept of the "starving artist." I think unconsciously I have been living that model. Even when I was working the old 9to5 I seemed to always be just making ends meet no matter how many raises I received. Why is that? It has to be linked to some self-concept I internalized as "my reality of poverty."

I say it is time for a reality-check! Good-bye starving artist! HELLO, successful CEO!!

Man, I already feel my stock price starting to soar!! YES!!

I just want to send it out to the Universe that I am OPEN to receiving an AVALANCHE of PROSPERITY, SUCCESS, CREATIVITY and JOY into my life, NOW!!

Well, no time like the present. Time to get my business plan down on paper!

  

 

Walking In A Sea of Happiness or Letting The Universe Be My Guide

Life is great when you let it!

This morning I got myself up at 6:00 a.m., shaved, showered and enjoyed the best chocolate croissant on the planet, courtesy of my favorite bakery, Portos, a Cuban bakery located at the corner of Hollywood  Way and Magnolia Blvd. in Burbank. If you are a coffee lover you must try their dulche de leche latte. It is definitely worth the trip. But I digress.

So, as planned, I jumped in my car and headed to West Hollywood to do the APLA AIDSWalk. Normally, I take the subway and a bus to avoid dealing with the massive traffic and limited parking that usually accompanies thousands of Los Angelenos attending this annual event. However, I was dragging a bit this morning. Nevertheless, having recently watched my dvd of The Secret, I decided to test out the Law of Attraction and drive to West Hollywood and expect to find a parking space.  I drove to WeHo and the street I always go to to park when visiting "Boys Town." Generally, it is hit or miss whether I find a parking spot. Today, especially, my prospects were not looking good. With traffic backed up due to street closures for the walk, I made my way to "my street" holding on to the thought that I was simply going to find a parking space without a problem. Lo and behold, I turned the corner and a spot was just waiting for me to park in. I could not stop smiling. The Secret works! haha.  It pays to start living your beliefs.

Well, I made my way to the event area at Plummer Park only to discover that the team from my old 9to5 was nowhere to be found. When I worked at the old 9to5 , every year I was the team captain and made the arrangements, making sure we had at least 20 team members registered so we could have a team table to meet at in the morning. My old co-workers said they'd keep the tradition going but unfortunately, if the team was there I could not find them amid the thousands of Los Angelenos present.

Okay, plans change. I started to get annoyed but it occurred to me that everything happens for a reason. With that in mind, I thought well, what is this about? I guess I need some time with my own thoughts. It turned out I had a really great time walking alone. It is pretty difficult to not be in a good mood when you are surrounded my thousands of happy people walking for a cause they believe in. We were all being cheered, every few feet by young volunteers whose job was to smile and scream "WHOO HOO, you're GREAT! Thanks for coming!!!" as they handed us fruit and energy drinks to keep us going. I just took it all in. There were teams from almost every high school, college and gay fraternity/sorority in LA chanting, laughing and spreading good vibes.  Even the annual gathering of four or five old men  with a megaphone and banners screaming we were all going to hell for being gay was amusing as no one could take them seriously. We all just felt so happy. There was, as always, the WeHo cheerleaders sweating in their wigs and make up cheering and posing for photos while another set of cheerleaders could be seen flying in the air en masse as cheerleaders do, all as a way of thanking participants for raising money and coming out to walk. I tell you, how anyone could be in a bad mood is beyond me.

A few hours later, I reached the finish line and it dawned on me that this was a nice test run for my March marathon extravaganza! In fact, today's 6.2 mile walk is roughly 1/4 of the territory I will have to cover not to mention the actual running up and down the hilly LA streets. The very thought of it exhausted me. Immediately, I became aware of how sore my feet were feeling and how much training I will need to be squeezing into the next five months. Whoo hoo! I really must be crazy! haha.

All in all it was a wonderful way to spend my morning. As a capper, I  met up with a good friend of mine, Larissa. We met up for, yes, the best lunch of my life at Hugo's restaurant on Santa Monica Blvd. I could have eaten cardboard and loved it, I was so hungry, so going to a health-conscious eatery tasted all the better. We were joined by Larissa's friend, Najia, who as it so happens also signed up to do the LA Marathon as well.

I could not have asked for a nicer end to the walk.  I even got to do a little celebrity sighting as we dined across from Robert Gant of "Queer As Folk" fame who had the same idea after completing the walk-a-thon.

Of course, I could not imagine taking my butt home and flopping on the couch for a long sleep when I had the inspired idea to go to Amoeba Records! If you love used book stores, this is the record/dvd version of that fabulous magical world. Amoeba is my favorite place to go for foreign films, gay films and music from around the world at a discount price! Amoeba Records is located at the intersection of Sunset and Cahuenga Blvds., next to the Arclight Theaters.  As I am a movie guy, I have not explored the main floor's wealth of  music cds and vinyl records. But, I have it on my to-do list as I promised myself I would expand my knowledge of Joni Mitchell.

The plan was to show some love to Robert Gant and pick up a suspense movie he starred in with Shannon Doherty. I saw the trailer for it when I watched the latest Donald Strachey Mystery made into a movie starring Chad Allen. Yes, something in me finds it important to support gay themed films and artists even if it requires me to lower my artistic expectations a bit. The trade-off is the immense joy that is gained from seeing gay themes, gay characters and gay actors increasing the diversity of the cinematic landscape. Love it!! Unfortunately, after all this gay activism welling up inside of me, I could not for the life of me remember the name of the Robert Gant film. Haha!

Undeterred, I switched channels and decided to feed my love of French cinema with the choice of "The Class" or "entre les murs." It is suppose to be a compelling look at modern life in Paris. How can I go wrong?

The theme of the day has clearly become letting the Universe be my guide.  That said, I anticipate a fabulous film-going experience as soon as I log off this blog.       

(Okay. I don't plan on adding a clip or link with every blog entry but as I am learning new things as I go with this blogging thing,  I can't resist adding a clip of the trailer to "On The Other Hand Death, A Donald Strachey Mystery" which I watched Friday night. I love mysteries and I love gay themed movies so this series of films is bound to find its way into my library. Enjoy.)

26.2 Miles Toward A Brand New Me!

So, as the adventure of my new life gets underway, I decided to christen it with a nice long run through Los Angeles. What better way to do that then to sign up for the 2010 L.A. Marathon? Yes, on March 21, 2010 I will be joining the masses from around the world who will be converging on Dodger's Stadium to trek our way to Santa Monica Beach. The course so far seems amazing. From Dodger's Staium we'll run through Hollywood, West Hollywood, Beverly Hills, Westwood, Brentwood, Pacific Palisades and finally make our way to the beach. What a route!

It may sound crazy but I am craving a little crazy and it is the best way I can imagine to shake off the old  baggage (both mental & physical) and get myself into shape. It also will be my incentive program for saying good-bye to years of cigarette smoking once and for all. Truth be told, that is a bigger challenge than the 26.2 miles could ever be.

In my continual journey of self-reflection, I can no longer rationalize how I can ever hope to leave my old companion, Fear, behind me if I am continually buffing away on a pack-a-day of Marboro Lights 100. I know I smoke to suppress my emotions and to get through stressful situations. The question is how can I let them go?

My answer? Run. Run. Run.

I am currently on my third week of progressive training, running a little bit everyday with longer runs on the weekend.  The smartest thing I have done so far is to talk two friends of mine into running with me on Sunday mornings through Griffith Park. They haven't committed yet to do the marathon with me but with each passing Sunday we all feel so good from the runs that it is only a matter of time before they sign up.

This Sunday will be the first week I won't be waking up at 6:00 a.m. for my Griffith Park rendez-vous. Instead, I will be walking with friends from my old 9to5 in the APLA AIDSWalk: Los Angeles Fundraiser/Walk-a-thon. So, I am not really cheating since I will be trekking my butt down Melrose Ave. and Beverly Blvd. for a good 10K sweat.

I am actually pretty excited about the whole idea of doing this marathon. Not only will I get to see the city from a different perspective, it is such a daunting task with months to plan that I can use this time to get myself into the sexy, rock hard shape I have always wanted to create for myself. YES! Dreaming big is the only way to go! Amazingly enough, I have enjoyed running so much so far that I have started to smoke less and get my butt to the gym on a regular basis. Trust me this has been no small feat, as I have had a natural aversion to weight-lifting in the past. However, it is a new day and working out is actually something I am growing to love! 

The sexy, confident new me is slowly taking shape!

March 21st is the goal! Keep a good thought for me!
       

Life's Illusions...

I love music. But I must confess I never was one of those people who got into knowing the artist involved or listening to the words and allowing it to touch me. I mean occaisionally that happens but usually I get into the rhythm and allowing it to take me on the journey my body wants to go on.

One of my new pathways to adventure is to do just that, find an artist or a song and just listen to what the artist is trying to say and what it is saying to me. I have come to realize that music can, like seeing a really good play or film, speak to you over time, as you grow and the artist grows. I had that experience with the song below. "Both Sides Now" sung by Joni Mitchell. I confess, I have heard of the woman but I know nothing about her at all. I know she is an icon but never bothered to discover why.

So, a friend sent me a youtube clip of her singing this song at a concert in 2000. The song really affected me. I later went on youtube and found a clip of Joni Mitchell singing this same song back in the early 60's.  I immediately could hear the growth she has made as an artist and whatever life experience she brought to her 2000 interpretation spoke to a deeper part of me than I expected.  Check out this version from 2000 and see if it speaks to you.  

Neale Donald Walsch Discusses The Emotion Of Fear

Neale Donald Walsch, author of the Conversations with God series is fantastic! I have read Book 1 and it was very enlightening. Here is a clip I found on how to deal with fear. I am slowly starting to get what he is talking about. Check it out!!

This New Life of Mind

Have you ever woken up and realized the life you are living is not the one you want? I guess you could say that is where I was a few months ago. I had a 9 to 5 job that payed pretty well. I had student loan bills and credit card payments but little else to motivate my day. The problem was I was living to work not working to live.

How did I get myself to this place? I guess you could say I stopped dreaming. I allowed fear to win. It was a battle I had been having for years and finally I was too tired to keep fighting. I was an actor who stopped acting. I was afraid someone would figure out I wasn't any good. It was 1994. I had spent much of my life following my intuition but suddenly fear cut off my intuitive voice and I was starting to lose my sense of direction.

Not long after my 9 to 5 life began, I fell in love with a man, Johnny, my first real love. He was HIV+ and I was HIV- but when we first met at a friend's birthday party a voice in my head said YOU MUST get to know this man. The voice was back! Two days after meeting, he told me he had AIDS and was very cautious about who he allowed in his life. I told him I didn't care. I knew I needed to know this man and I said I would be there at the very end if he wanted me there. I don't know why I said that. I meant it but I had no idea what that really, really meant.

I spent two years trying to get him to say "I love you." The funny thing is he did love me but I was too blind to see what he was afraid to say. I thought I needed to hear the words. As much as I wanted it, we never had sex because he refused to risk infecting me and I was too naive to realize my love was not enough to save him. So, there was no sex but, what we had was dancing. When Johnny and I danced, no one else existed. Every dance was a journey to our own sensual world where there was no disease, no fear, no pain. We danced at every gay club we could find in Los Angeles.

By 1996, his disease started to take his brain hostage.  At 26 years old, Johnny moved back home to his mother's house. Lesions, developing on his brain, first blurred the vision from his beautiful blue eyes, then caused a stroke making function on the right side of his body difficult. The doctor confined him to bed. A nurse came daily. I worked at the 9 to 5 then traveled an hour everyday to his mother's  house to be with my dance partner, even though our dancing days were over.

The strange thing is this was the most precious time we shared together. I no longer cared about hearing the words "I love you." We laughed, talked and I brushed his golden blond hair. Slowly we found our relationship's new normal.  When he asked me to help him take a bath in the tub, I knew our relationship had reached a new level. After years of wanting to see this man naked, the moment arrived and we could not help but laugh at life's little ironies. Somehow we had morphed into an old married couple finishing each others sentences and here I was carrying the man I loved from his hospital bed to the bathtub down the hall.
Slowly, as all things were with this disease, Johnny lost the ability the brain has to connect the words he wanted to say with the words that came out of his mouth until he lost his ability to form words all together. Yet somehow we found a way to understand each other.

The friends we danced the night away with seemed to drift away. I slowly realized what sticking around when someone is in the final stage of his life really really meant. I would not have traded that time with him for anything in the world. On June 29, 1996 Johnny took his last breath, literally before my eyes. His mother, sister and I were at his side and he went to his final rest as beautiful as the first day I met him.

A few days later at the funeral, I was introduced to a cousin of Johnny's who I had never met. He wanted me to know that Johnny had told him how much he loved me and how much I mattered to him. At his funeral I heard the words I thought were so important to hear when he was alive.  It was as if Johnny had arranged for me to get this message.

My life, without Johnny, went numb. The grief process turned into a bitterness and mistrust of the intuitive voice that guided me to this point. Months turned into years and while I have dated on occasion, no one special materialized.

Now, here I am and that voice in my head is making contact again. Something inside of me has snapped open and I have been forced to see, as clear as day, how I have allowed fear to overwhelm so much of my life. I had a career I loved and felt inspired to pursue but stopped because I was afraid I was not good enough to make it. I found a love that I felt guided to but wasted so much time fearing he didn't love me before I allowed myself to simply love him and enjoy the journey.

I asked the Universe for a little guidance. My answer led me to quit that 9to5 and resume my journey as an actor.

This blog for me is my way of pressing re-set. I have no idea where my journey is going to take me. However, I have come to realize that my life has given me everything I asked for even when I didn't realize I was asking for it. In other words, everything I believe I can have I get to the degree I believe I can have it. (Does that make any sense?)

So, I am moving forward in search of a more interesting life.  My challenge is literally to wash away the fear-filled thoughts lingering about and replace them with only the thoughts that will lead me to the wealth, success, love, and happiness I want in every area of this new life of mine.

Wherever I end up, I plan to enjoy the journey.

Let the journey begin.

(Below is a link to a youtube clip of Susan Boyle, a British Dreamer who chose to go for her dreams and won over the world! Check it out and allow yourself to feel inspired!!!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8OcQ9A-5noM