Protect Your Computer, Protect Your Life

At the risk of sounding like I have stock in Norton Securities, I have to say I LOVE that company!!! A few days ago I got seriously attacked by some "cyber" criminals who planted a "trojan" to get my info by infecting my computer, cutting off my internet access, my "virus/spyware protection programs and sending a FAKE spyware service  for me to buy presumably to get my credit card info.

The last few days and hours have been challenging to say the least. Luckily I had a good friend who helped me to rid my computer by saving my files and installing the latest version of Norton Securities. It was literally the only thing that helped. I had to reboot the system to rewrite and allow Norton to do its thing. It took hours but thank goodness for good friends, especially those who know a lot about computers.

I find it amusing that this experience came after my big spiritual revelation and commitment to improve my connection with my Intuition.  For whatever reason, it was no coincidence!

Generally speaking, in such potentially stress-filled situations, I tend to get incredibly angry, frustrated and ready to break something. This time around, I decided to put my money where my mouth is. I said to myself OKAY... this is a good time to trust in my intuition and let this situation play itself out with the assumption that everything will be FINE. Not surprisingly, choosing to trust allowed me to THINK and not get lost in my emotions. Yes, with the help of my friend who knew more than I imagined, things worked out. It took a lot of time but I learned so much about myself and my computer.

I initially had Norton Anti-Virus protection but when it expired I explored other cheaper options which I won't mention but I will say they fell apart when the "trojan" started it's bloody assault on my computer.  I will never leave my system without Norton Securities protection again.

To say this whole cyber-stalking adventure was a fun ride would be a joke, but I really do believe everything happens for a reason. One of my life challenges has been working on trust, well this was one BIG lesson which I hopefully passed. Either way, it did help me to see that I am the one in control of how I CHOOSE to respond to the ups and downs of life.  I can choose to get angry and upset and assume life is unfair but what does that do other than raise my stress level?


I will trust that the damage has been contained and in the event some info was stolen, the best I can do is change my passwords and deal with things as they come.

It is great  to still feel good after all this drama.

Be smart folks! Protect yourselves before attacks happen. Learn from my mistakes. I did not have back ups for my computer info or even a list of my various passwords written down. And letting my best computer security protection drop to save a few bucks was not worth the risk. I am correcting all of these errors as we speak.

With all these advances in technology, it is easy to forget that we are vulnerable out here in this magical internet universe. My eyes are now wide open. Now, I am learning how to defend myself and protect what matters in my small "cyber-kingdom" with a little "magic" of my own!

 

A "Locked Door" in My Mind Has Opened

I had a profound personal revelation yesterday. I shared this with my friend Sebastian in Germany via email and I want to chronicle it here for myself as I process the meaning of it all.

My revelation... I believe in God more as "Source Energy" or that intuitive part of me that when I listen to it has always led me to joy and happiness in my life. This concept was in conflict with my catholic upbringing with the figure of God as a judgemental father figure. As a gay man I refused to see myself as a mistake so I chose to see God as my intuition and it led me joyfully across country, gave me the courage to beat out thousands of others for a place in a great acting conservatory and eventually to Los Anglees to embark on an acting career.

Not long after my arrival, I fell in love. Real love for the first time with a guy named Johnny. We were so in sync we practically finished each others sentences. We had our issues and conflicts but it was one of the most powerful experience of my life. I met him and he already had AIDS. I didn't care because something in me said I needed to know this man. We never had sex but we danced and when we danced it was like we entered a world of our own. We connected on every single level except sexually. He died 5 months before the AIDS cocktail that has made people with AIDS now live "relatively" normal if not longer lives. I was blessed that Johhny loved me enough not to risk infecting me. Although I was blinded by love, his experience of the disease saved me from that fate. Needless to say, when he died, I shut down emotionally and more specifically I shut off that connection with my intuition. I bought into that childhood catholic bullcrap that I was somehow being punished.

In recent months, I have in my journey back to acting found myself wanting to get back to that joy I felt when I trusted my intuition and life really flowed. I wrestled with the idea that my whole notion of my intuition being akin to "Source" or the God within guiding me was a fantasy I invented. Then in an email conversation I was having about spirituality, I found myself writing that I was punishing myself when Johnny died. It wasn't "God punishing me".

Suddenly I realized that I was actually the ONE rejecting "Source" or my intuition, by choosing to believe in my "Childhood Catholic view of God as punisher" over that intuitive side of myself that brought such tangible joy to my life. In many ways I wasted 14 years in varying levels of grief by cutting myself off from a belief system that worked for me. How stupid was that? No point in wasting more time beating myself about that choice. I own it. This is the journey I have chosen to take. Let's call it taking the scenic route.

Realizing all of this, I know reconnecting to my inherent intuitive nature is not actually an issue anymore. It never went away. I just wasn't listening. It is about me getting out of my own way so my life can flow with the joy I know is available to me. Time to listen. This may not seem like much to anyone else but I would rather feel connected with life than in need of approval for my life.

A lot of my fluctuating depression about my stagnant career status has come from this wrong-headed thinking. I strongly associate my life with a spiritual journey of connectedness and unity with all things. Experience has taught me that my life including (my career) works best under this way of thinking.

All of my dark times have come from buying into thoughts of others about "religion" or my career instead of trusting my gut and knowing that I have all that I need within me to create the life I want for myself. It is like a locked door just opened up in my mind. This doesn't mean life is instantly a bed of roses but it does mean I am not powerless to the winds of fate. I create my experiences by the choices I make. My intuition helps me make better choices and not choices rooted in fear.

Life is mine to co-create with the help of my intuitive nature. I'm stepping into the river of life and I can clearly see I don't need to fight the current, but go with the flow. What lies ahead is the greatest adventure yet!

Will I Be Lost Without "Lost"?

Ahh, yes... Tomorrow night one of my favorite shows, ABC's "Lost" with go off the air. I must admit I loved watching that series. I love a mystery and the writers of that show were masters at drawing out a mystery and keeping viewers on their toes. You definitely had to think and connect the dots to really enjoy the island adventure. Yeah, the story lines literally went all over the place from the distant past to alternate realities to slow character revealing flashbacks. I loved it all!

Well I guess I can survive. Actually, I am quite sure I will be a okay.

Thank God I have my very long reading list to keep my imagination stirring. There aren't too many shows out there that make you think while they entertain you with their fiction. I will miss the magic that kept me hooked. Hopefully, James Ellroy'swriting will get me hooked and anxious to read more of his novels! Okay, time to take a trip back to 1950's Los Angeles!

Feeding the Mind with Books!

I have, since my last post, been enjoying the pleasures of feeding my mind a good portion of positive energy. To start, I came face to face with my television addiction. I realized it was a bit of an addiction when I found myself vegetating in front of the television set when I have about three bookcases of books and novels which I have bought but most of which I have not read. 

One day last week I was doing a serious deep cleaning of my apartment, getting rid of junk and had the television on as company. As my apartment reached a state seldom seen- clutter free, I felt relaxed and able to really see what my place looked like. It was like taking off sunglasses and seeing the details around you. There I was in my living room with two of my three bookcases calling me. "Where have you been friend?" Instead of flipping on the television I pulled a book off the shelf and just started reading. It was as if I turned on my imagination in that deep and rich way that television does not. There was a comfort in the silence and a pleasure in feeling time slow down.

Currently I am reading two books, one is called "Grow Rich While You Sleep" by Ben Sweetland, written in 1962. Don't let the title entice you to dismiss it as one of those "self-help" books. In truth I guess it is a "self-help" book but for me it is a fascinating journey into the power of the subconscious mind and how the effective use of it can bring more joy, happiness and success into your life including whatever it is you consider riches.  In essence, it talks about  the difference between the conscious and subconscious mind, why 5% of people consider themselves a success and 95% don't.  While not everything discussed is new by any means, his emphasis is about making a choice to embrace success, being willing to work for that success and moving from wishing for success to knowing success is achievable. In the end it comes down to being honest with yourself and realizing how much time we waste wishing for things we don't bother truly working for. However, with discipline, visualization and a little positivity you can harness the power of your subconscious mind to work for you rather than against you.

The fact is we program ourselves with our belief patterns and our subconscious mind supports what we believe to be true. When push comes to shove, I would rather have my subconscious mind programmed for support, shouting "YOU CAN DO THIS!!" when I am working toward my life goals rather than those whispers of self doubt, saying " You shouldn't expect too much, you'll just be disappointed." Where did thoughts those come from? They came from me. At some point I made choice to buy into negative thoughts.

I want to erase that tape and start a new one! If I want my dreams to become a reality it first starts with me and my thinking on all levels of mind.  If I don't support myself with my thoughts in line with my goals, how can I ever expect to see results let alone enjoy the journey I am on?

My second book is "The Big Nowhere" by James Ellroy. It is a vivid fictional ride into 1950's Los Angeles. Ellroy is a "serious nut" but he writes with an amazing sense of style that sucks you in. This novel has many of the same characters as you will find in the film "LA Confidential." As this is my first foray into reading his work, I am not sure if this book takes place before or after what I saw in the film. I loved the film by the way. Hopefully, I will love this tale as well.  From what I have read so far, I am very glad to be living in Los Angeles in this decade rather than that one. It is still fun to go back in time if only fictionally.

It has been such a joy absorbing the "nourishment" of these two books alone. I can't wait to work my way through the rest of my ecclectic three bookcase library until I have read them all - feeding my mind, my imagination and inevitably my work as an actor. 

Happy Birthday to Me! Life is Gooooood!!!!

Man, life is really good when you let it! Today is my birthday and I must say I feel so amazing, much more than I actually expected. I celebrated on Sunday with my birthday buddy whose birthday falls on the 11th. 

We started off going to church at the North Hollywood Church of Religious Science. They are based on the Science of the Mind created by Ernest Holmes. So, there is no fire and brimstone just a lot of positive affirmations, inspiring music and a focus on the unity of all of us and our being an extension of God. It is such a powerfully uplifting experience that always sets me in a positive frame of mind for the week.   

After church, we had lunch at H.S. Salt Fish and Chips.  It's focus is on British style fish and chips with that fabulous vinegar touch that took be back to childhood and my very British "mum" who took us kids often to get fish and chips as a treat.

Being spontaneous we tried to go get our fortune's told at the "Psychic Eye" but the lady we wanted to see didn't work on Sundays so we went on our way. Next stop, the Mann Theaters in Glendale for my second and her first viewing of Iron Man 2!  Loved it!!

We wrapped up the night with dinner at "Mucho Mas." My favorite neighborhood restaurant that serves the best margaritas!

Today was fantastic! I just felt connected with myself and everything just flowed. It is always nice to hear from loved ones but it is nice to feel happy about celebrating your date of birth and not dreading it. What I got from today is that I had fun because I really allowed myself to embrace ME. This is not something I have to reserve for just my birthday. I can allow myself to embrace the joy of just "being" every single day.  

What tomorrow brings will be what tomorrow brings. There is something to living in the moment. I think I will give it a go as I move forward with my new approach to my professional life.

WHY I BLOG a.k.a. Battling the Sorcerer of FEAR Once More

What am I doing this blog for? I started this blog to help myself get my feelings out and get myself focused on creating the life that I want. How successful have I been in this goal? Not very. Somewhere along the line I think I got hooked on the drug of how do I get traffic to my site. I started joining blog directories galore in an attempt to increase that ticking feed counter. And hey there is something cool about seeing people from around the world checking out my blog. But the question arises, is that what I am doing this for? No.

I have come to realize I have lifted avoidance of my priorities to an art form. Does this mean I am not committed to being a successful actor? No. It means, I am focusing to much on what has not been working and not on what is working.  Working on improving my blog has been something I have control of and can get some positive reinforcement from others. My career however, requires an amazing amount of discipline to go to the gym and work out for more than an hour. The fact is my body is in part the commodity I am selling and in my career market I need the commodity to be Grade A. The talent and skills I am honing are like the seasoning that makes the meat enjoyable to devour but it first has to be selected off the shelf. I guess I am understanding the analogy of my business being a "meat market" a bit more.

I guess it has taken me this year to fully understand that I need to be a businessman in the business I am in not the business I left to return to the acting world.  Yes, I can look down on the objectification of artists but in the end isn't that really just an excuse not to get off my lazy ass and put in the work I need to advance myself up the ladder just like one would in any other business?   I am seeing that what is holding me back is me and only me.  In the end, getting into shape is not a bad thing at all.  Yes, everyone is not a gorgeous sex god. There are people of all shapes and sizes working as actors. However, the majority of work goes to the people who  are in the best shape. Maybe because they radiate a little extra confidence than those of us who are not as happy with our body image and using clothing to alter the illusion. The fact is I am a good looking guy, but I am just not in good shape. Too many pop tarts and soda have been my comfort after audition stress. Plus those damn cigarettes.  I have been told I am good looking/exotic looking and if I got my ass in shape I can feasibly market myself a little better. I feel like one of those before pictures in the late night infomercials for PX90. I need to be the after picture, like... YESTERDAY.


AHHHHHH. DISCIPLINE. DISCIPLINE. DISCIPLINE. That is where it all lies. In the old 9to5 I could breakdown a handful of projects I had to complete with little help and find the energy to get them all done thoroughly and on schedule. It left me exhausted after but I had the drive because I had someone waiting on me to complete the work. 

This is where the ghosts of my past have come back to haunt me.  I know, on some level, I am able to work harder when I am doing something for someone else than if I am doing it for myself.  The product of my old harrassment is a need to be liked that puts the other person's needs above my own.  Now, I am basically an entrepeneur and I have to push myself as if there is someone else counting on me to come through within the deadline emposed on me. How do I trick my brain to do the same for me? How can I use my old issues for my own benefit?

My passion for acting is in the actual acting. I guess, I have to discover a passion on some level for all those business requirements that lead to opening the door to do what I am passionate about.  

Okay, this is a good start. Getting these thoughts out has been helpful. I know I have to focus on writing without a filter so I can get at the truths about myself I ordinarily would not utter to another living soul for fear of judgement.  Screw judgement! 

I had a moment just now when I said I am good-looking but not in shape that had me stop and imagine anyone who reads this is going to think I am just some vain actor wrapped up in himself.  Ahhhh. Yeah. I am sure some folks will think that way. Who cares?! Is it the end of the world?! Sorry but, I can't care what anyone else thinks. Yes, I would like to enjoy the support of folks around the world but, duh, my issue is about getting comfortable and confident in myself and in putting myself  first for once. If I start giving a damn about what complete strangers think of me over what I need to do to create the life I want, I am completely FUCKED! I will be living in a prison built in childhood that will have me serving a life sentence if I don't get a a grip. 

Wow, I am really holding on to some needless crap, aren't I?  That old companion, Fear, is one tricky devil! He diverts me into focusing on essentially useless crap to keep me from my inner hero's journey. He's like an evil sorcerer casting a spell. My only weapon to break the spell is journaling my thoughts out until I see the illusion for what it is- PURE DISTRACTION.          

Embracing the power of archetypal patterns as I do, in the spirit of Joseph Campbell, I see that "the gods" have a plan for me, a DESTINY. The question is will I stay in my "village of the safe and familiar" or will I heed Destiny's call and take up my Hero's Journey?

My answer... The time is NOW for this hero to ride into more uncharted territory on this Epic Adventure I call A More Interesting Life.

THIS "CEO" IS CALLING AN EMERGENCY MEETING!

Where have I been? When was the moment I got off-track and stopped being the CEO of my own life?  I have no idea. However, as my birthday approaches, my examination of where I am and where I want to be going has made it clear we need a shake up of this "corporate structure" starting at the very top!

Out with the OLD and in with the NEW.

Monday, May 10, 2010  is the start of a new era of leadership.  I will have to spend the weekend reviewing and tweeking my mission statement and get my act together.

These are challenging times. As I check up on what's happening via the S.A.G. website, jobs are tough to come by and working enough to qualify for Health Benefits seems nearly impossible.  However, who needs the website to know I need to up my game?!

So, what do I do?  Well, I guess, this weekend I need to figure out how to tackle a few things:

1. How can I focus more daily on understanding the "business" of acting?
2. How can I get into the best shape possible (physically and mentally)?
3.  How can I quit smoking?
4. How can I make the most of my auditions and book a job?

5. How can I build the inner confidence to draw SUCCESS to me now rather than later?

6. How can I increase other forms of income to sustain me until I get work as an actor?

 As my own CEO, it’s time to call an emergency meeting to discuss the above-mentioned issues. Keeping in mind that I possess four main resources A.K.A. "My Employees" which exist solely to help me achieve the results I desire in my life, hopefully this restructuring won't be too challenging. Who are these employees? Their names are:

Time

Focus

Energy

Money

Jim Campbell wrote and article on http://www.pickthebrain/.com called "You Are The CEO of Your Own Life" that gives a great description of these employees I thought I'd share:

Time


By definition, time is a nonspatial continuum in which events occur in apparently irreversible succession from the past through the present to the future. The past is gone, the present is here but the future is still for us to define. Time, of course, will be present for us but doesn’t benefit the future unless it’s utilized in a constructive way. Does your employee time work well for you or does it show up every day but never seem to yield progress to desired results?

Focus

Employee #2 is focus. Is your focus vivid or blurry? Worse yet, is your focus missing in action? Have you created, documented and shared the “master plan” (vision) with focus? Do you meet regularly with focus? Does focus truly understand that it’s a vital part of the team? Focus should be a 24/7 employee and never allowed to punch out or leave the premises.

Energy

Is energy always being expended and managed in a direction that coincides with the CEOs (your) desired end vision? Energy should know what it’s supposed to be doing at all times. Focus must work very closely with energy as they are reliant on each other. A sailboat without a rudder (focus) and wind (energy) is highly unlikely to ever reach a desired destination.

Money

Always keep a very close eye on your employee #4- money. Successful CEOs have a strong, positive relationship with and respect for money. Always be verifying and measuring how money is doing for you. Money won’t typically complain about being mistreated but positive management and utilization will illustrate itself in many various ways. Always be good to money and money will be good to you.


CEOs are busy and shouldn’t need to spend overt amounts of time micromanaging their four employees. For assistance regarding this, the best CEOs incorporate affirmations into their mornings, days and evenings. For the CEO that desires financial abundance, a simple affirmation example is to repeat the words “Wealth”, “Success”….. “Wealth”, “Success”….. “Wealth”, “Success”…….over and over again in a slow, deliberate manner for five minutes, three times or more per day, every day; also just prior to going to sleep and immediately after waking up each morning. You will immediately notice that your four employees begin showing up early, staying late and even be working when you’re out of the office. They will come to love their jobs and you will always be proud of them for what they help you accomplish.


Yes, this is going to be a full weekend. If I didn't know any better, you would think I was the "CEO" of a non-profit. Starting Monday, this business is transitioning into a "profit making company"!

A SHOUT OUT TO RICKY MARTIN - HAPPY FOR YOU!

Okay, it has been a minute since Ricky Martin came out of the closet and announced to the world on his official website that he is a proud gay man. I have to give the man RESPECT for coming out on his own terms, at his own time. Yes, he is not curing cancer with this news but believe it or not he's making a difference in the lives of many with this revelation.

The truth is, it is also just simply REFRESHING to have someone in the public eye coming out with a sense of pride and joy, living life in as healthy a way as possible. Unfortunately there are way too many stories of men in prominent positions being discovered in some amazingly compromising situations, basically playing out the dysfunction of their repression on the public stage.  I use to get disgusted by this. Now, I just feel sadness for these men. More importantly I feel for the wives. Too often these ladies have been blindsided by husbands who were so frightened to accept themselves that they dragged these women into a life that was doomed to blow up in everyone's faces.  I have always believed that your sexuality is your own business. However, I have a hard time wrapping my brain around a man needing to hide from his sexuality so much that he will use a woman as "cover".  Yes, there may be a genuine love at play but, if you are attracted to men, for goodness sake don't marry a woman! It just is not right! At the very least, tell her the truth and she can make an informed decision. What a hot mess those situations are!

For this reason Ricky Martin deserves a shout out for being true to himself!! Life as a gay man does not have to read like a tragic tale of deceit and depravity. His honesty and choice to be open on his own terms says "Hey it is okay to be gay and happy."

We all have our own journey to take. Why not make it as joyful an experince as you can?

Enjoy your life, Ricky!! Looking forward to the memoir.

    

My New Avocado Obsession

In my journey to better health, I came across a raw food dish called Energy Soup. Basically you blend avocado, sprouts, lettuce, and a few other veggies plus Rejuvelac-( a smelly fermented liquid). I tried it and it was okay but not tasty enough to keep me making it. It is suppose to be fantastic for your skin and weightloss but I just haven't found the right combination of ingredients.

In the meantime, I have become addicted to avocados. I have been literally eating them everyday and just can't seem to get enough of them. At the moment, I am eating them on crackers mixed with finely chopped garlic, cilantro, and Casero- a soft cheese by El Mexicano.  Love it! Eventually I will drop the cheese and try concocting my own version of Energy Soup. 

I have read a number of accounts of how helpful the energy soup has been with eliminating a wealth of addictive behaviors including smoking. That captured my interest and since my attempts at cold turkey have left me going back and forth with quiting and starting back up,  I am ready to try this natural remedy. 

No clue why I have this current avocado addiction, but of the addictions one could have, this isn't too bad. I am hoping that I may start to see some serious health benefits from this addiction. If I quit smoking in the process, I will be screaming the results from the rooftops!! Will keep you informed of my progress.

Tick...Tock...Tick...Tock...

Ahh... The first of May! In nine more days I'll be ticking off one more year on the old life-o-meter. I have long since reached that age where every self-respecting gay man stops counting. Yes, a year deeper into my... dare I say it, FORTIES! Mind you, I feel much younger and, THANK YOU GOD, look younger than many of my forty year old comrades. (Hey, it is the little pleasures that get you through. hahaha!)

Unfortunately, looking and feeling like I'm in my early 30's doesn't mean much if I don't get myself out there and start meeting folks! However, the challenge "du jour" is, my mind and spirit is more focused on getting my acting career off of life support and breathing on its own- not to mention this growing need to get more spiritually centered! So, romance, while on the radar for 2010 is gonna just have to simmer on the back-burner. I think all things considered, my top two priorities once on firmer ground will open me up to meeting Mr. Right as opposed to Mr. Right Now!

What is it about birthdays, anyway? I am already a bit too much of a chap who reflects on life's challenges. But now matter how hard I try, I find my birthday to be a day to check in with myself on where I have been and where I want to be going more so than celebrating another year on the planet.

The hell with it! (I say this now...) This year has been the biggest shake up I have had in over a decade. I quit my 9to5 in search of more fulfillment in pursuit of my dreams! That alone is worth celebrating! Who cares (honestly) if my acting career is on life support?! I am living my life instead of watching it pass me by!

In time, my career will come into focus. I have FAITH. I know that this is where my joy lies, so as long as I have a breath in my body, I will continue to trust that the Universe is working to bring me the roles I am meant for. Until then I will continue to hone my craft and prepare myself for whatever opportunities present themselves.

Bloody hell! It is only May 1st! I've already covered getting older, being single and career challenges. Who knows how many mental mind fields will be set off as I edge toward the big day? I need a valium. Oh well, guess I'll have to settle for Saint John's Wort instead!