Blindsided

This weekend has been a big test for me. I received some news that had me racing back to the nearest liquor store for a pack of cigarettes. My favorite cousin, Jinx, was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. Strangely enough, this rare cancer has struck my family before, killing two of my mothers six sisters. I have to say the news has flooded me with a well of emotions I did not expect to have so strongly. Jinx has always been the cousin that I connected with almost immediately since childhood. She was a number of years older than me but we just connected spiritually. In my youth, my mother, sister and I would spend summers in Maryland visiting my Aunt B, her daughter Jinx and Jinx's family. I have so many childhood memories linked with Jinx that it seems inconceivable to imagine her not around.

It is times like this that makes you look more deeply at life and at those you love. I spoke with jinx last night and I am happy to say that she is facing this new challenge in her life with a sense of peace and inner strength I find inspiring.  Her years of meditation and spiritual exploration has prepared her to face this challenge with positivity and not defeat. She is embracing the power of laughter and joy to help her do her part to facilitate her healing in conjunction with her medical treatments. Apparently there are so few places equipped to treat this form of cancer that she has to go to John Hopkins who are able to help her.

I feel in many ways powerless to help but I will find some way physically or spiritually to help.  If it is possible to send loving energy to her I will do it.

I immediately ran to cigarettes. Not sure why it helped cope and now I see i have a lot more to do to deal with intense emotions especially when they come out of the blue. But, I will not waste any time beating myself up about having to start over again. I may fall a million times but I will never give up.

Life just keeps surprising.

I am a little off today so I think I will stop now and just feel what I am feeling.