“If You’re Going Through Hell, Keep Going.”

Winston Churchill once said, “If you’re going through Hell, keep going.” I got this quote from an article in one of those positive thinking newsletters that a good friend emailed to me. I found myself reading this article and the quote just SPOKE TO ME!  It has been just a few hours and the restlessness and need to stay busy so I don't given to the impulse to walk to my corner store and buy a pack of cigarettes is slowing growing like a ghost's whisper in the back of my mind getting gradually louder and louder!

It is just freaky to feel like a junkie craving a stupid cigarette! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!! Okay. Okay. You know what? I think that there is something about smoking that has allowed me to ignore the grime that the lingering smoke leaves on walls curtains and appliances. I guess I noticed them before but for some reason tonight I found myself whipping out the bottle of 409 cleaner and attacking my stovetop and refrigerator! I was embarassed at the mess and now I see it popping out at me as I suddenly notice the amber colored filmy stain of cigarettes smoke on the walls and kitchen cabinets. Perhaps I should focus my withdrawal anxiety into cleaning. I have wanted to paint my apartment. well I think I will start with a thorough cleaning and move toward a section by section paint job! Might as well make my distractions productive and fun!

I may want to read some Joseph Campbell because I am gaining strength from the use of archetypal patterns and mythic stories as an amusing perspective to take regarding my life challenges and how to face them. It is not so sad or dramatic to see my life as a hero's journey because there is a subtle suggestion to self that despite all odds, triumph is possible for the hero! Also it feels less pathetic and tragic. I am bored with the victim mentality that I never realized has been ingrained as a view of my world. Time to let go of the powerless feelings of childhood trauma and reinvent my approach.

I am still wrapping my brain around how so many of my actions have been subtle masks of pain I pretended I was over. But how can you ever really be over something unless you really face it and defuse the warped power it has over you. So maybe Joseph Campbell will have some guideposts that amuse as they help with healing. I always loved Greek mythology as a child- time to dust of those old books of mine and use the creative resources at my disposal.

YES, I am rambling. I am using this entry as a dumping ground of thoughts and ideas I can use to grow as an actor and a man.  AND It is keeping me from running out the door for the corner store. Time to get creative. In previous attempts to quit I have found my anxiety level rise and the intensity of my emotions reach a level where the most negative thought seems logical and the assumption of my life as a joke seems way too acceptable to me.

Let's see if there is some imaginative, creative way to embrace the Hero's journey as my default setting instead! I have a feeling when that happens, success will not seem so illusive!! I know everything is connected. I have always accepted that life brings you what you focus on and believe with emotion! Since my life-romantically, financially and professionally has not been what I would ever call successful up to this point, there is a neon flashing sign in the middle of my apartment that I have avoided for years! I have clearly accepted negativity and victimhood as reality and achievement of my dreams as a pipe dream.  Otherwise I would have seen more success and less just getting by. If I truly focused on what I wanted and not on what I didn't want then odds are I would have to do better than just getting by year after year after year.

Enough rambling! Time to embrace my inner epic hero's journey and flesh out exactly what kind of hero I want to be! I have always been drawn to the story of Perseus, I think I will embrace what guidance I may find and enjoy letting my imagination empower me as it is so inspired!  Now that sounds like fun!

Here is a little cinematic inspiration to get me going!