Searching For Answers...or YOU WANT THE TRUTH? YOU CAN HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!

I am searching for answers... I have gotten a grip on my diet. I have learned that I have eaten more processed foods than fresh and that has taken a toll on my energy, stamina and overall health. Becoming more conscious of what I eat has helped in making better choices. I am juicing more, eating fruits and vegetables on a regular basis and feeling better most of the time.

Unfortunately stress has not magically disappeared. I have a lot of toxins built up in my system and the slow flushing of these toxins have provided me with many challenges but it is worth it to feel better. The better I eat the more motivated i am to go to the gym. The more I am at the gym, the better I feel emotionally and physically. It still is a rollercoaster ride. Hopefully soon things will start to even out.

My biggest challenge is the cigarettes.  I have quit cold turkey then something stresses me out and cigarettes are the only tool I have to fight it. Right now, I am at a fork in the road. I realized that I must face and conquer the real reasons I smoke and deal with those issues. What I do know is that I have carried scars from childhood that I have only recently realized that i am still carrying with me.

I spent my high school years being tormented by neighborhood kids who enjoyed making me feel worthless everytime I left my house. School and my childhood home were my only refuge. These teenaged tormentors seemed to know before I did that I was gay and they whistled, taunted and harrassed me every time I left the house.  I forced myself to pretend it wasn't happening. I never let my family know. I kept it inside. That was a mistake. I became I think a bit of a control freak since then because I needed to control my emotions and not let others know they hurt me. I stuffed down feelings and started a pattern of stuffing down negative emotions/ I want to break this habit now. Officially, I started smoking with the San Francisco earthquake, which I think was the height of feeling out of control as that was my first earthquake experience. I guess in some part I have been using cigarrettes to stay in control of my emotions. This is definitely not healthy. This change will not be easy but I must give it a try.