What the hell is he talking about, you ask?
Lately, I have been working on embracing my life and creating the life I want to live. That has not been as easy as I imagined it would be. I had some strange yet ultimately wonderful realizations that gave me answers to those "dark night of the soul" questions we scream out to God when we want to blame someone other than ourselves for why life just isn't working as planned.
The first strange realization - I have been creating the experiences of my life, and they just weren't what I wanted. They were what I expected. While I have gotten very clear on the life I want to be living, I forgot that I can't make the changes I want until I seriously address the thinking that has gotten me to where I am now. I guess you could say I have been "thinking positive on the outside" but it hadn't penetrated the negative thinking that has rented space in my brain for years and was not interested in complying with my eviction notice. However, I am in it for the long haul, so, I must literally kill my old thoughts with kindness until they leave on their own.
How am I doing this?
Well, I am finally starting to understand the idea of appreciating what you have in the present moment because that is all we really have. I hadn't noticed, I have been so focused on defining my life by wanting things that have yet to come, I wasn't enjoying the things that had come. In essence, I am now learning to live in the moment. It is actually quite enjoyable.
My mantra is "I am where I am and that's okay." It's a short little phrase but it has the powerful ability to quiet the negative self-talk's rant. Usually, I would get myself into this space of expecting good things to happen and then when they didn't or didn't appear as expected, that little nasty voice just kept saying "you're dreaming if you think you are something special." In other words, I never dealt with the ingrained negative inner voice so I default to the negative almost automatically. With this new understanding, I am becoming more conscious. In time, the tape will change. I know that we experience in our lives what we focus on. The trouble is when we don't acknowledge our negative inclinations of thought, we cannot make the real life changes necessary to create the life we want for ourselves. So, this is where I am and that's okay because knowing what I need to work on gives me a concrete place from which to initiate change.
My second strange realization - "Like really does attract like." So, in my journey of being more conscious in my own life, I have found that I have surrounded myself with friends who are "vibrating" on the same wave of thought that I am. Now, I have many friends and not all share my way of thinking towards the negative, but those I am most close to do. Is that a coincidence? I don't think so?
Actually, I never thought much about it until I tried living this new way of thinking with my friends. The end result, disaster- in the short term, so far. It unfortunately, took me a bit by surprise. As I consciously worked on speaking positively about situations happening in my life rather than focusing on the negative, I found unexpected resistance from my friends. From many as I spoke positively, they found it strange and something to make fun of, as if I were making a joke. Suddenly, we were no longer commiserating over each others shitty experiences. Hence topics quickly moved from what was going on with each of us to what problems they had. The conflict gained steam when the usual question of "what do I do?" with this or that was met with anything other than "yeah you're right that sucks", boy did people get annoyed. I wasn't holding up my end of the "misery game" we got use to playing.
Suddenly, I was the "postive thinking nut" and they were keeping it real. On my end I was not wanting to focus on the negative which became harder to do when the habit has been to go negative. So, I felt alone, and sometimes silly in feeling mocked for wanting to be positive in a sea of negativity. The strange thing was the same conflict was arising with different friends who didn't even know each other. This should have been a red flag.
Eventually, after a very ugly class with a friend who wanted to use me as their object of abuse to vent their unhappiness, I myself grew amazingly angry as I was unable to stop the verbal attacking. I was so angry I stayed mad for days as I felt violated as lines had been crossed and I expected an apology and acknowledgement that I had been a victim. It took me a good week to realize that I allowed myself to take on the role of "victim" and had such a need for others to validate my way of thinking that I did not see that no one has the power to affect you unless you give it to them. I also realized that I became uncomfortable in situations with close friends because I was wanting them to validate that my thinking was right but I didn't truly believe it myself. If I had, then no amount of negative talk from others would trigger annoyance in me. It was like the Universe held up a neon sign saying, "Deal with your own crap and stop waiting for others to give you permission to live."
Wow, that was a serious wake up call. Again, until I deal with the negative voice inside, no real change can take root. Two different areas, two major lessons on the same subject.
No one said taking responsibility for the life you create was gonna be a piece of cake. However, the benefits definitely outweigh remaining hostage to one's past and the thinking it engendered.
So, I am navigating the waters of life with a better toolkit to fix what needs to be fixed as I go. Who would have thought "positive thinking" actually required conscious work to actually be useful?
That's okay. It is always better to ride the rapids with your eyes opened rather than closed. It makes the adventure all the sweeter.
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