WAKA,, WAKA !

It's time for the World Cup 2010!!

USA is about to take on England in a first round match up! GO USA!

I freely admit I have never been much of a sports fan but, there is something about learning more about a sport played around the world that has captured my imagination! Never understood why this sport is not popular in the US as it is in so many other countries. Well, I guess I will start checking out the USA team in the World Cup and then start following the LA Galaxy team whether they have Beckham or not!

Here's The USA Team's schedule so far:

	England	vs.			United States					-	Jun 12 11:30am (PT) on ABC
	Slovenia	vs.			United States					-	Jun 18 7:00am (PT) on ESPN
	United States	vs.			Algeria					-	Jun 23 7:00am (PT) on ESPN

In honor of the only real worldwide sport,futbol, here is Shakira doing what she does best!!

Making New Choices and Telling New Stories

The journey keeps providing me with opportunities to start "walking the walk" as they say. I decided on Monday to make my commitment to health and re-sculpting my body a major priority. So I woke up at 6 am, having breakfast and beginning a 3 mile run to my gym. When I got to the gym I pushed myself to do more sets and build up my weightlifting slowly so I can enjoy the small victories rather than let my ego dictate my progress. Afterward, I jogged back home and prepared to embrace the day with enthusiasm.

Later that night I guess the Universe decided to see if I was really no longer in need of a bully. My friend called and in his usual fashion tried to trigger me. However, I was feeling so good and not interested in being triggered. Not taking his bait he decided to go for where he thought he would be able to get me. Smoking. He asked me if I was still smoking. I told him I have been back and forth but now I am focusing on getting in shape and hoped it would lose its hold as I enjoyed working out more. He continued to tell me I would get lung cancer and die but he would not be taking care of me when I am approaching death as his "humorous" way of trying to scare me.  He kept trying to bait me. He said he feels since I have been smoking for so long that I would never be successful by focusing on exercise but should go get help. I said I am choosing right now to stop smoking and use exercise as my focus to stay on track. He argued for my failure. I told him I don't discuss my smoking with him because when  I have told him I was quitting in the past he makes jokes about how my quitting is a "joke" and when I do smoke he constantly talks of me dying. In the end, I said, my smoking or quitting is not about anyone else but me. I told him he can decide to be a friend and support my journey or he can make this about being "right". He decided to be a friend.

So what was that out-of- the-blue telephone debate my friend and I had about my smoking really about? One aspect is, it is simply the most logical next step to stop smoking if my priority is better help and re-sculpting my body. My friend bringing it up as a futile battle provided me with a means of challenging myself to get real about how committed I was to change. Normally, I would be more upset about my friend but he is irrelevant. My intuition was telling me the time is right to take this journey but with a deeper awareness of what I am doing and why I am doing it. In a strange way, I feel more empowered because things seem to be falling into place.

I am on day four of my daily run and workout sessions. I have been feeling amazing. My eating habits have also begun to change, I am shifting to 6 small meals instead of 3 big ones and will see how that affects my routine.

I also, decided to start telling a new story.  No longer will I tell the "worn out story about quitting smoking", that just keeps me in the cycle of "Will I/Won't I" fail.  After this blog post, I will be focusing on getting healthy and cigarettes have no place in the story of my healthy life.           

I must admit much of this week has been so successful because I rediscovered my I-Pod and the effect music has on me!. Having to reload I-Tunes and all of my music cds, I decided to make a three hour exercise mix of music that would motivate me.  It has been amazing! I don't think about anything but how good I feel. My favorite song has lately been "Listen" from "Dreamgirls" sung by Beyonce!  It seems to speak to where I am right now and it leaves me charged up!

I look forward to getting more and more wrapped up in my wellness routine. My biggest challenge has actually been the shift to  6 small meals.

Satisfied and Eager for More...

I have been enjoying the journey of my life this week. It would seem that as I have had my big life lessons, my intuitive nature is providing me with opportunity after opportunity to make better choices with how I am reacting to things. I have been discovering that I don't have to see situations as examples of why my life is not working but as examples of how my life IS working in alignment with who I am.

It's funny that with the experience of re-loading a variety of programs I have lost from the computer virus attack, I have been metaphorically given a "do-over". With having to assess what programs I have that I no longer really need or use or never got around to updating out of laziness opened my eyes a bit.. In having to replace my passwords, I saw what sites I relied on the computer to remember things for me and now I had to create a new password after asking for assistance for what I forgot. This time however, I decided to keep a list of usernames and passwords that I now store in my home safe on a trusty piece of paper. Sometimes "old school" just makes sense. 

Why are any of these rather mundane situations of any value? Well, I am finding my mind at peace allows for "seeing the lesson" available to me. I took a lot of things for granted with my computer and now I am seeing the value of "protecting what matters to me" and in protecting these things I honor their value and in an interesting way feel more present in the moment. I'm not coasting on auto-pilot. This has led me to look at other areas in my life where I may be coasting on "auto-pilot" and forgetting to remain present. Amazingly this is all coming from a place of non-judgement but ease of simple observation. It's as if some part of me has snapped into alignment and in doing so has started a chain-reaction of "alignment opportunities" with which to grow from without the drama of "auto-pilot" negative reactions.

The best example of this was tonight. I went over to a friend's house who I am working with on a screenwriting project. We have been "working" on it slowly but without much headway. I have just had a block with getting invested in the project with much enthusiasm. Tonight I went over and feeling in a pretty good  space with myself, I decided to stay open and not let myself fall into being "triggered" by my friend. You see, our friendship has been a bit odd with dealing with his choice to intentionally be provocitive and me falling into anger and feeling disrespected or "victimized" by his endless negativity. In the bigger picture when we get along we get along fantastically but when he is in a space of negativity and I am in a place of negativity we click into this "trigger/feel disrespected pattern".  Now I have known mentally that no one has the power to affect you unless you give them permission. I guess I never really got it pass the "mental" level. Tonight, however, I felt a little shift of understanding that may be sign that this belief is taking root somewhere deeper in me.

Tonight, instead of working on the script, we decided spontaneously to watch the original "The Karate Kid."  It was a simple thing but it was an experience that was so filled with joy. We laughed, we each found ourselves going back in time to the joy this movie held for us "back in the day" and its resonance for us even now. The acting was great, the script was so well-crafted and the direction just did what good movies do-  take you some place within yourself that allows you to "feel good" about living and see life beyond just something to get through but to be felt and lived.  Being in the place where I am having revisited childhood issues of being bullied etc., "The Karate Kid" was an amusing synchronistic opportunity to go back with the movie to that childhood time and see that as the movie expressed, so much of that "bullying/being bullied" is about learning to get in alignment with your inner self in order to find victory on your "hero's journey".

As I left my friend's house, I drove home I thought, wow, my friend and I both have allowed ourselves to get off track with what is really important in our friendship. It is the times like tonight that matter not the negativity. I thought again about "no one can hurt you without your permission" and  something in me said, I don't need to have a "bully" in my life anymore to keep re-living that old childhood pattern. (Lightbulb Moment!)

Lesson has been learned. Since I am ready to stop being a "victim" and live in my present there is no need for a bully. I made my friend that person who helped  me continue telling that old -worn out story. Now our friendship can also move in a healthier direction. The time for new stories has arrived and it is okay to embrace them. Why? I am satisfied with where I am in my life and eager to see what lies ahead.

Feeling in a place of joy, I found myself on you-tube checking out some Abraham-Hicks clips that spoke to me.       

Protect Your Computer, Protect Your Life

At the risk of sounding like I have stock in Norton Securities, I have to say I LOVE that company!!! A few days ago I got seriously attacked by some "cyber" criminals who planted a "trojan" to get my info by infecting my computer, cutting off my internet access, my "virus/spyware protection programs and sending a FAKE spyware service  for me to buy presumably to get my credit card info.

The last few days and hours have been challenging to say the least. Luckily I had a good friend who helped me to rid my computer by saving my files and installing the latest version of Norton Securities. It was literally the only thing that helped. I had to reboot the system to rewrite and allow Norton to do its thing. It took hours but thank goodness for good friends, especially those who know a lot about computers.

I find it amusing that this experience came after my big spiritual revelation and commitment to improve my connection with my Intuition.  For whatever reason, it was no coincidence!

Generally speaking, in such potentially stress-filled situations, I tend to get incredibly angry, frustrated and ready to break something. This time around, I decided to put my money where my mouth is. I said to myself OKAY... this is a good time to trust in my intuition and let this situation play itself out with the assumption that everything will be FINE. Not surprisingly, choosing to trust allowed me to THINK and not get lost in my emotions. Yes, with the help of my friend who knew more than I imagined, things worked out. It took a lot of time but I learned so much about myself and my computer.

I initially had Norton Anti-Virus protection but when it expired I explored other cheaper options which I won't mention but I will say they fell apart when the "trojan" started it's bloody assault on my computer.  I will never leave my system without Norton Securities protection again.

To say this whole cyber-stalking adventure was a fun ride would be a joke, but I really do believe everything happens for a reason. One of my life challenges has been working on trust, well this was one BIG lesson which I hopefully passed. Either way, it did help me to see that I am the one in control of how I CHOOSE to respond to the ups and downs of life.  I can choose to get angry and upset and assume life is unfair but what does that do other than raise my stress level?


I will trust that the damage has been contained and in the event some info was stolen, the best I can do is change my passwords and deal with things as they come.

It is great  to still feel good after all this drama.

Be smart folks! Protect yourselves before attacks happen. Learn from my mistakes. I did not have back ups for my computer info or even a list of my various passwords written down. And letting my best computer security protection drop to save a few bucks was not worth the risk. I am correcting all of these errors as we speak.

With all these advances in technology, it is easy to forget that we are vulnerable out here in this magical internet universe. My eyes are now wide open. Now, I am learning how to defend myself and protect what matters in my small "cyber-kingdom" with a little "magic" of my own!

 

A "Locked Door" in My Mind Has Opened

I had a profound personal revelation yesterday. I shared this with my friend Sebastian in Germany via email and I want to chronicle it here for myself as I process the meaning of it all.

My revelation... I believe in God more as "Source Energy" or that intuitive part of me that when I listen to it has always led me to joy and happiness in my life. This concept was in conflict with my catholic upbringing with the figure of God as a judgemental father figure. As a gay man I refused to see myself as a mistake so I chose to see God as my intuition and it led me joyfully across country, gave me the courage to beat out thousands of others for a place in a great acting conservatory and eventually to Los Anglees to embark on an acting career.

Not long after my arrival, I fell in love. Real love for the first time with a guy named Johnny. We were so in sync we practically finished each others sentences. We had our issues and conflicts but it was one of the most powerful experience of my life. I met him and he already had AIDS. I didn't care because something in me said I needed to know this man. We never had sex but we danced and when we danced it was like we entered a world of our own. We connected on every single level except sexually. He died 5 months before the AIDS cocktail that has made people with AIDS now live "relatively" normal if not longer lives. I was blessed that Johhny loved me enough not to risk infecting me. Although I was blinded by love, his experience of the disease saved me from that fate. Needless to say, when he died, I shut down emotionally and more specifically I shut off that connection with my intuition. I bought into that childhood catholic bullcrap that I was somehow being punished.

In recent months, I have in my journey back to acting found myself wanting to get back to that joy I felt when I trusted my intuition and life really flowed. I wrestled with the idea that my whole notion of my intuition being akin to "Source" or the God within guiding me was a fantasy I invented. Then in an email conversation I was having about spirituality, I found myself writing that I was punishing myself when Johnny died. It wasn't "God punishing me".

Suddenly I realized that I was actually the ONE rejecting "Source" or my intuition, by choosing to believe in my "Childhood Catholic view of God as punisher" over that intuitive side of myself that brought such tangible joy to my life. In many ways I wasted 14 years in varying levels of grief by cutting myself off from a belief system that worked for me. How stupid was that? No point in wasting more time beating myself about that choice. I own it. This is the journey I have chosen to take. Let's call it taking the scenic route.

Realizing all of this, I know reconnecting to my inherent intuitive nature is not actually an issue anymore. It never went away. I just wasn't listening. It is about me getting out of my own way so my life can flow with the joy I know is available to me. Time to listen. This may not seem like much to anyone else but I would rather feel connected with life than in need of approval for my life.

A lot of my fluctuating depression about my stagnant career status has come from this wrong-headed thinking. I strongly associate my life with a spiritual journey of connectedness and unity with all things. Experience has taught me that my life including (my career) works best under this way of thinking.

All of my dark times have come from buying into thoughts of others about "religion" or my career instead of trusting my gut and knowing that I have all that I need within me to create the life I want for myself. It is like a locked door just opened up in my mind. This doesn't mean life is instantly a bed of roses but it does mean I am not powerless to the winds of fate. I create my experiences by the choices I make. My intuition helps me make better choices and not choices rooted in fear.

Life is mine to co-create with the help of my intuitive nature. I'm stepping into the river of life and I can clearly see I don't need to fight the current, but go with the flow. What lies ahead is the greatest adventure yet!

Will I Be Lost Without "Lost"?

Ahh, yes... Tomorrow night one of my favorite shows, ABC's "Lost" with go off the air. I must admit I loved watching that series. I love a mystery and the writers of that show were masters at drawing out a mystery and keeping viewers on their toes. You definitely had to think and connect the dots to really enjoy the island adventure. Yeah, the story lines literally went all over the place from the distant past to alternate realities to slow character revealing flashbacks. I loved it all!

Well I guess I can survive. Actually, I am quite sure I will be a okay.

Thank God I have my very long reading list to keep my imagination stirring. There aren't too many shows out there that make you think while they entertain you with their fiction. I will miss the magic that kept me hooked. Hopefully, James Ellroy'swriting will get me hooked and anxious to read more of his novels! Okay, time to take a trip back to 1950's Los Angeles!

Feeding the Mind with Books!

I have, since my last post, been enjoying the pleasures of feeding my mind a good portion of positive energy. To start, I came face to face with my television addiction. I realized it was a bit of an addiction when I found myself vegetating in front of the television set when I have about three bookcases of books and novels which I have bought but most of which I have not read. 

One day last week I was doing a serious deep cleaning of my apartment, getting rid of junk and had the television on as company. As my apartment reached a state seldom seen- clutter free, I felt relaxed and able to really see what my place looked like. It was like taking off sunglasses and seeing the details around you. There I was in my living room with two of my three bookcases calling me. "Where have you been friend?" Instead of flipping on the television I pulled a book off the shelf and just started reading. It was as if I turned on my imagination in that deep and rich way that television does not. There was a comfort in the silence and a pleasure in feeling time slow down.

Currently I am reading two books, one is called "Grow Rich While You Sleep" by Ben Sweetland, written in 1962. Don't let the title entice you to dismiss it as one of those "self-help" books. In truth I guess it is a "self-help" book but for me it is a fascinating journey into the power of the subconscious mind and how the effective use of it can bring more joy, happiness and success into your life including whatever it is you consider riches.  In essence, it talks about  the difference between the conscious and subconscious mind, why 5% of people consider themselves a success and 95% don't.  While not everything discussed is new by any means, his emphasis is about making a choice to embrace success, being willing to work for that success and moving from wishing for success to knowing success is achievable. In the end it comes down to being honest with yourself and realizing how much time we waste wishing for things we don't bother truly working for. However, with discipline, visualization and a little positivity you can harness the power of your subconscious mind to work for you rather than against you.

The fact is we program ourselves with our belief patterns and our subconscious mind supports what we believe to be true. When push comes to shove, I would rather have my subconscious mind programmed for support, shouting "YOU CAN DO THIS!!" when I am working toward my life goals rather than those whispers of self doubt, saying " You shouldn't expect too much, you'll just be disappointed." Where did thoughts those come from? They came from me. At some point I made choice to buy into negative thoughts.

I want to erase that tape and start a new one! If I want my dreams to become a reality it first starts with me and my thinking on all levels of mind.  If I don't support myself with my thoughts in line with my goals, how can I ever expect to see results let alone enjoy the journey I am on?

My second book is "The Big Nowhere" by James Ellroy. It is a vivid fictional ride into 1950's Los Angeles. Ellroy is a "serious nut" but he writes with an amazing sense of style that sucks you in. This novel has many of the same characters as you will find in the film "LA Confidential." As this is my first foray into reading his work, I am not sure if this book takes place before or after what I saw in the film. I loved the film by the way. Hopefully, I will love this tale as well.  From what I have read so far, I am very glad to be living in Los Angeles in this decade rather than that one. It is still fun to go back in time if only fictionally.

It has been such a joy absorbing the "nourishment" of these two books alone. I can't wait to work my way through the rest of my ecclectic three bookcase library until I have read them all - feeding my mind, my imagination and inevitably my work as an actor.