A "Locked Door" in My Mind Has Opened

I had a profound personal revelation yesterday. I shared this with my friend Sebastian in Germany via email and I want to chronicle it here for myself as I process the meaning of it all.

My revelation... I believe in God more as "Source Energy" or that intuitive part of me that when I listen to it has always led me to joy and happiness in my life. This concept was in conflict with my catholic upbringing with the figure of God as a judgemental father figure. As a gay man I refused to see myself as a mistake so I chose to see God as my intuition and it led me joyfully across country, gave me the courage to beat out thousands of others for a place in a great acting conservatory and eventually to Los Anglees to embark on an acting career.

Not long after my arrival, I fell in love. Real love for the first time with a guy named Johnny. We were so in sync we practically finished each others sentences. We had our issues and conflicts but it was one of the most powerful experience of my life. I met him and he already had AIDS. I didn't care because something in me said I needed to know this man. We never had sex but we danced and when we danced it was like we entered a world of our own. We connected on every single level except sexually. He died 5 months before the AIDS cocktail that has made people with AIDS now live "relatively" normal if not longer lives. I was blessed that Johhny loved me enough not to risk infecting me. Although I was blinded by love, his experience of the disease saved me from that fate. Needless to say, when he died, I shut down emotionally and more specifically I shut off that connection with my intuition. I bought into that childhood catholic bullcrap that I was somehow being punished.

In recent months, I have in my journey back to acting found myself wanting to get back to that joy I felt when I trusted my intuition and life really flowed. I wrestled with the idea that my whole notion of my intuition being akin to "Source" or the God within guiding me was a fantasy I invented. Then in an email conversation I was having about spirituality, I found myself writing that I was punishing myself when Johnny died. It wasn't "God punishing me".

Suddenly I realized that I was actually the ONE rejecting "Source" or my intuition, by choosing to believe in my "Childhood Catholic view of God as punisher" over that intuitive side of myself that brought such tangible joy to my life. In many ways I wasted 14 years in varying levels of grief by cutting myself off from a belief system that worked for me. How stupid was that? No point in wasting more time beating myself about that choice. I own it. This is the journey I have chosen to take. Let's call it taking the scenic route.

Realizing all of this, I know reconnecting to my inherent intuitive nature is not actually an issue anymore. It never went away. I just wasn't listening. It is about me getting out of my own way so my life can flow with the joy I know is available to me. Time to listen. This may not seem like much to anyone else but I would rather feel connected with life than in need of approval for my life.

A lot of my fluctuating depression about my stagnant career status has come from this wrong-headed thinking. I strongly associate my life with a spiritual journey of connectedness and unity with all things. Experience has taught me that my life including (my career) works best under this way of thinking.

All of my dark times have come from buying into thoughts of others about "religion" or my career instead of trusting my gut and knowing that I have all that I need within me to create the life I want for myself. It is like a locked door just opened up in my mind. This doesn't mean life is instantly a bed of roses but it does mean I am not powerless to the winds of fate. I create my experiences by the choices I make. My intuition helps me make better choices and not choices rooted in fear.

Life is mine to co-create with the help of my intuitive nature. I'm stepping into the river of life and I can clearly see I don't need to fight the current, but go with the flow. What lies ahead is the greatest adventure yet!