WHY I BLOG a.k.a. Battling the Sorcerer of FEAR Once More

What am I doing this blog for? I started this blog to help myself get my feelings out and get myself focused on creating the life that I want. How successful have I been in this goal? Not very. Somewhere along the line I think I got hooked on the drug of how do I get traffic to my site. I started joining blog directories galore in an attempt to increase that ticking feed counter. And hey there is something cool about seeing people from around the world checking out my blog. But the question arises, is that what I am doing this for? No.

I have come to realize I have lifted avoidance of my priorities to an art form. Does this mean I am not committed to being a successful actor? No. It means, I am focusing to much on what has not been working and not on what is working.  Working on improving my blog has been something I have control of and can get some positive reinforcement from others. My career however, requires an amazing amount of discipline to go to the gym and work out for more than an hour. The fact is my body is in part the commodity I am selling and in my career market I need the commodity to be Grade A. The talent and skills I am honing are like the seasoning that makes the meat enjoyable to devour but it first has to be selected off the shelf. I guess I am understanding the analogy of my business being a "meat market" a bit more.

I guess it has taken me this year to fully understand that I need to be a businessman in the business I am in not the business I left to return to the acting world.  Yes, I can look down on the objectification of artists but in the end isn't that really just an excuse not to get off my lazy ass and put in the work I need to advance myself up the ladder just like one would in any other business?   I am seeing that what is holding me back is me and only me.  In the end, getting into shape is not a bad thing at all.  Yes, everyone is not a gorgeous sex god. There are people of all shapes and sizes working as actors. However, the majority of work goes to the people who  are in the best shape. Maybe because they radiate a little extra confidence than those of us who are not as happy with our body image and using clothing to alter the illusion. The fact is I am a good looking guy, but I am just not in good shape. Too many pop tarts and soda have been my comfort after audition stress. Plus those damn cigarettes.  I have been told I am good looking/exotic looking and if I got my ass in shape I can feasibly market myself a little better. I feel like one of those before pictures in the late night infomercials for PX90. I need to be the after picture, like... YESTERDAY.


AHHHHHH. DISCIPLINE. DISCIPLINE. DISCIPLINE. That is where it all lies. In the old 9to5 I could breakdown a handful of projects I had to complete with little help and find the energy to get them all done thoroughly and on schedule. It left me exhausted after but I had the drive because I had someone waiting on me to complete the work. 

This is where the ghosts of my past have come back to haunt me.  I know, on some level, I am able to work harder when I am doing something for someone else than if I am doing it for myself.  The product of my old harrassment is a need to be liked that puts the other person's needs above my own.  Now, I am basically an entrepeneur and I have to push myself as if there is someone else counting on me to come through within the deadline emposed on me. How do I trick my brain to do the same for me? How can I use my old issues for my own benefit?

My passion for acting is in the actual acting. I guess, I have to discover a passion on some level for all those business requirements that lead to opening the door to do what I am passionate about.  

Okay, this is a good start. Getting these thoughts out has been helpful. I know I have to focus on writing without a filter so I can get at the truths about myself I ordinarily would not utter to another living soul for fear of judgement.  Screw judgement! 

I had a moment just now when I said I am good-looking but not in shape that had me stop and imagine anyone who reads this is going to think I am just some vain actor wrapped up in himself.  Ahhhh. Yeah. I am sure some folks will think that way. Who cares?! Is it the end of the world?! Sorry but, I can't care what anyone else thinks. Yes, I would like to enjoy the support of folks around the world but, duh, my issue is about getting comfortable and confident in myself and in putting myself  first for once. If I start giving a damn about what complete strangers think of me over what I need to do to create the life I want, I am completely FUCKED! I will be living in a prison built in childhood that will have me serving a life sentence if I don't get a a grip. 

Wow, I am really holding on to some needless crap, aren't I?  That old companion, Fear, is one tricky devil! He diverts me into focusing on essentially useless crap to keep me from my inner hero's journey. He's like an evil sorcerer casting a spell. My only weapon to break the spell is journaling my thoughts out until I see the illusion for what it is- PURE DISTRACTION.          

Embracing the power of archetypal patterns as I do, in the spirit of Joseph Campbell, I see that "the gods" have a plan for me, a DESTINY. The question is will I stay in my "village of the safe and familiar" or will I heed Destiny's call and take up my Hero's Journey?

My answer... The time is NOW for this hero to ride into more uncharted territory on this Epic Adventure I call A More Interesting Life.